A Ring? Try Put a Title On It.

So I wrote Tell him to "Put a Ring On It," and some of the comments I received from men were beyond mind-blowing. Some of my favorites:

Thats's bad advice. Never put the pressure on a man early in the relationship by bringing up marriage or titles. When he's ready you both will know. Come on ladies don't be fast and find yourself by yourself.

and

Why can't women just be cool with the situation at hand?? If he isn't going anywhere, and he makes you happy, why do you need a title?? Once you get past the whole dating thing and you know that you are together, the just have fun with the situation for what it is. IF he wants to pop the question then it should be nothing to say yes, because you are enjoying your time with him!!

Couple this with Belle, over at A Belle in Brooklyn (an absolutely fabulous blog that I think EVERYONE should read) is having relationship problems because she wants a "title" (i.e. Girlfriend) and he doesn't. He say's he's not ready for a relationship, even though by all accounts that's what they have.

And finally, a relative of mine has been in a "relationship" with a young man for almost a year now and he still refuses to call her his girlfriend even though recently told her that he :loves her," very much and that he isn't "checking for any other woman."

Right.

So what's the problem?

Here I am writing about telling your guy to "put a ring on it," and it seems like I need to be telling ladies to tell their men to "put a title on it."

Let's be real, if you can't get a man to put a title on it, how in the hell are you ever going to get him to put a ring on it?

I call this scenario the "Pseudo-relationship" with the "Not-boyfriend." Pseudo because you're in a relationship in almost every way but name and Not-boyfriend because...well...he's not your boyfriend.

What I'm really scratching my head to figure out is how did women allow this situation to develop? Why have we, do we, allow these relationships to occur?

I get the man side of this. It's the perfect set-up. You get to have the exclusivity of having a girlfriend but without any of the commitment, because let's face it...the difference between calling a chick your "friend" and your "girlfriend," is how you view your commitment to her.

It's the same thing with the difference between (most) co-habiting couples and married couples. The married couples have taken a firm commitment to each other. The co-habiting couples tend to be there on a "try and see" basis.

However, for women, these low-commitment relationships rarely work. I know for me if I'm not your girlfriend then I'm dating other people. I don't agree to any sort of exclusivity. Don't even ask. if you want exclusive with me then you definitely need to put a title on it.

And every woman I know in one of these pseudo-relationships is rarely truly happy with the situation. Most want a title but they agree because they really care for the guy and he's somehow convinced him that, though he's not ready now, he will be someday.

Someday.

The reality is however, someday isn't likely to come. Just as the co-habiting couple rarely turns to marriage, the pseudo relationship rarely turns into a full relationship. I've seen many a damaged woman form the pseudo-relationship gone wrong....myself included...and we weren't even exclusive.

It's just a bad deal. Why put up with the drama of a relationship, the ups and downs, the possible (and likely) heartbreak if you don't even have a firm commitment from the guy you're involved with?

I believe a woman is selling herself short if what she wants is a relationship and instead she settles for this poor substitute. Like I said in the last post: If you want a relationship get/have a relationship. Your wants, needs and desires shouldn't be held up because some man in your life isn't ready. If he's not ready...move on...let him know to hit you up when he is...and hope you're not already taken.

Getting Fat is Relationship Suicide

Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it’s true.

And let’s be clear, I’m not talking about guys who date big women and later marry the women already big. A friend of mine has a wife who was 250lbs if she was pound when they got married. She’s bigger now but hey, he doesn’t mind, he married her big.

My cousin was also a big girl when she got hitched. Her man (who is handsome and fine) had no problems with that and they are still happily married to this day.

In general, however, what I said at the beginning ot this post still stands: Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

A fact many women seem to overlook when they get married or get in relationships and proceed to pack on the pounds.

“My man loves me,” you say.

Sure but loving you and wanting to fuck you are two different things

“My man would never leave me,” you say.

Perhaps. But people stay in marriages for any number of reasons.

“My man would never cheat on me,” you say.

Well…that’s where you are might be wrong. See I’m a firm believer in, “if he ain’t sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone,” and packing on the pounds is surefire way to ensure that the marital bed isn’t being set on fire.

Let’s be real here: if you were married at 135 pounds and are now 185 pounds you are not the same women he married. You just aren’t. You don’t have as much energy. Probably can’t participate in the same activities and the sex surely ain’t what it used to be.

Can you blame him for not being happy (or faithful)?

Love may be unconditional but sexual attraction is not. And before anyone tries to sell me on the bogus idea that, attraction starts in the mind and if you love someone that automatically means you want to screw them, I will automatically call bullshit on the bullshit you’re selling.

Love and sex are not synonymous – a fact we seem to be aware of before we get starry eyed and fall in love and/or in matrimony.

So my advice to any woman who is married or in a long-term relationship is to keep it right and keep it tight. A ten-pound gain is one thing. A fifty-pound gain is another.

And before anybody comments otherwise: this applies to the fellas as well. There’s no way I’d keep sexing a man who went from fit and fabulous to fat and flabby. If I gotta raise your belly to find your penis...it ain’t happening.

Note to Men: Stop Chasing Women You Can't Afford

I have a pet peeve.

Men who believe that they should have a "dime" yet only amount to a nickel themselves and then these same men sit around and call all women gold diggers and complain how women won't "give a good brother a try."

See, the problem with this scenario is this: too many men believe a woman should lower her standards (whatever they may be) to be with them. This is especially true if the man doing the complaining is gainfully employed, college educated, has no kids and Black, but may not be bringing in doctor, lawyer, athlete, mogul money.

Now in fairness, all these men aren't "nickels," some are actually very good catches, but because they want the tens and twelves they aren't paying attention to the sevens and eights.

Case in point:

I have a friend who I love dearly but he's stuck in this land where he believes he should have a Beyonce or Halle Berry even though he isn't Jay-Z or Gabriel Aubrey. Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren't his "physical ideal."

He wants drop dead gorgeous.

Finally one day I said, "Stop going after women you can't afford."

He didn't like that too much.

Then he proceeded to rant and rave about how women in New York won't give a brother a shot and they only care about how much he makes, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, me being the loving friend that I am, pointed out some very basic truths on how the world works,

"Beauty is a commodity. Women trade on it to marry the biggest fish they can catch. Women who spend their time and energy maintaining their looks are looking for someone who can afford to keep up their very expensive beauty regime. That shit ain't cheap. No matter how great a guy you are, you can't do that. SO why don't you stop beating your head up against a brick wall and go after the woman you can afford and the ones who like you for who you are right now?"

He didn't hear any of that.

Well he did, but he didn't want to hear it.

Instead he talked about how he was going to hold out for his "ideal."

You can guess how well that's working for him.

And this is my problem with so many men I know: these men believe they are entitled to extraordinary women while being rather ordinary themselves and then want to complain about it, saying it's the woman's fault for not being able to see their value.

Right.

Newsflash: instead of calling the women you can't afford golddiggers...how about you do what it takes to get the woman of your dreams...or date the women you can afford. This is not rocket science.

While there are plenty of men out there who don't get it, there are others who do. Another homeboy of mine had a completely different take on the situation.

"I'm going to be rich and famous so I can date groupies," he said.

"Why would you want to date groupies?"

"Because they are the best looking women out there. They keep themselves up because they are looking for ballers. You don't have to worry about them getting fat 'cause they know they can be replaced and they will cater to all your needs 'cause they know if they don't you will find someone who will."

"Okay," I said, "Makes sense."

And it did.

Now you may think my homeboy is shallow, and that's fine, I do too, but at least he's not sitting around complaining that the hot girls he wants don't want him and won't give a broke college student a chance though he is a "good brotha."

He understands something very basic: If you want the hot girl, you need to have hot girl money.

Simple.

So note to the fellas: Stop chasing women you can't afford. You want the dimes you need to have dime money. If you don't, there are plenty of attractive women who will want you for where you are right now. You don't do yourself any favors by chasing some unattainable ideal. And in the end, you keep passing up perfectly good women for some chick who isn't gonna pay you any attention...you will end up alone.

Take a cue from the ladies: women know where they fall on the attractiveness scale and they act acordingly.

Just a thought.

Distant Lover

Distant lover, lover, So many miles away, Heaven knows that I long for you, every night, every night and sometimes I yearn through the day.
- Marvin Gaye, Distant Lover

So I just asked my friend...turned better than cut buddy...turned long distance love...are we gonna make this official or not.

When I first moved he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship.

Neither did I.

BUT...

Once the I Love You's flowed...I found (find) myself in an interesting predicament of "Now What?"

His money ain't right he says.

I say so.

We don't live in the same city he says.

I say we won't live in the same city for at least the next year...so if he is as serious about me as he says he is then we do it now or not at all (well we can still keep it causal but u get what I mean...)

He says he needs to think about it.

I say okay.

No pressure.

But I know if we keep in relationship limbo, when my Thundercat comes along (and he will come along)...there will be no second thoughts or guilt on my part...'cause...well..we'll just be better than friends...right?

Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery--leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big...marry Aidan.

I don't get this. I don't get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn't that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you're with a man who doesn't want to get married, when you're looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It

How to Tell If Your Man is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only) Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you're saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How's she supposed to know? That's a list I'd like to read = )
- Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn't give up the panties until months in.....but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain't that many hours in the day....lol
- Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
- Cherish

Well, you know, I don't believe that there is a woman alive who doesn't know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn't right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he's start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You're just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don't know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn't want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine. Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn't doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work. Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it's abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn't any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn't give you an answer that's worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes. This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, "Is he cheating," you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you're honest with yourself, the question isn't, "Is he cheating," the real question is, "What are you going to do about it?."

Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they're seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their "relationship" you realize that it's no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She's making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

The Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

1. He only calls you after 11pm. Let's face it, if he can't call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he's calling when he's not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex. Regardless of the hour of day he's calling, if the only time he calls is when he's looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn't like you.

3. You haven't met any of his friends and family. If a guy is really into a chick he's going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you've never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it's not one that's good for you.

4. He never takes you out. If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there's a reason for that. Believe me if he's not taking you out, there's a good chance that he 's out with someone else. And even if he's not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn't any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don't know how he spends his time when he's not with you. If you're clueless about how he spends his time when he's not with you, then you don't know him and if you don't know him, you're not his woman. If you ask him, "what did you do today," and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn't want you to know about. And if that is the case...well...you're better off finding another man 'cause the one you have isn't yours.

How Soon is to Soon for Sex?

So how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship?

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that's still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still weary of "getting their numbers up."

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I'll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun. There really isn't a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we're on the same page--then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship. I've got a pretty solid (at least) two month rule. Usually at the two month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya'll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya'll are not "official." Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you're seeing someone else.

No thank you. I'll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it's you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On

Warning: This post is NOT for the faint of heart. Strong Language. NSFW.

Now anyone who has been reading this blog long enough knows that I don't have any problems with casual sex. Personally I feel if you're a grown-up and you want to do grown-up things...go for it. As long as folk are on the same page and you're being safe--no harm, no foul.

But I do have a major problem with women (and men) who are having casual sex who know good and well that that is not something they can do.

Ladies, you know wh0 you are.

You're the ones sleeping with a man, knowing good and well it was just a booty call, but get all mad when you catch feelings and he doesn't feel the same. Then you wanna complain to your girlfriends and call the poor dude everything BUT a child of God.

Whatcha complaining for? It's not his fault. You knew what the deal was before you took your panties off. You can't change the rules in the middle of the game and expect the other person is going to follow suit.

Or how about you ladies who involve yourself with a man when he has already told you he isn't looking for a relationship? But you sex him anyway 'cause you're thinking, "Girl once he gets a taste of this he's gonna forget about anyone else and settle down with me."

Newsflash: You cannot fuck a man into a relationship (well unless your name is Tameka Raymond who apparently has a mink lined coochie with 24k gold inlays). While pussy is an asset - it is one that half the population has and it's a diminishing asset at that. And you best believe if he's "not having a relationship with you," he may be "not having a relationship" with two or three other women.

I say all of this to say: if you want a relationship, then have a relationship. Stop selling yourself short with these pseudo-relationships because you're afraid that you can't get, keep or find another man.

To thine ownself be true. Stop compromising yourself and your wants by sleeping with a man in hopes that he will "wife" you. Why are you giving up all of your power? Why are you letting a man decided when, where and how you're going to be involved?

As old fashion as it may sound, sex is an easy way to eliminate the men who are really interested in you vs. those who are interested in just sexin' you. As a general rule (notice I said general) unless or until a man has shown you that a relationship is what he wants then there is no need to sleep with him. Keep your panties on. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain if you just wait awhile.

Cue Janet Jackson:

Ladies, Stop Playing Wife If Your Man's Not Playing Husband

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You're making it hard for the rest of us. I'm tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I'm tired of the men who's first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won't be doing it for you.

I'm tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and "chill" as I let them know that it's too late to be at my crib and what ever "chilling" they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it's their right in life to have a "dime." And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can't possibly understand why I'm not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don't get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn't return didn't send the message that I wasn't interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don't. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I'm the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I'm old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it's a man's job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny's Child "Cater to You" to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that's what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn't be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don't expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you're operating on 10%, I'm operating on 20 and that's just because I'm nice--sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don't play wife, unless you're playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

Sisters, Stop Waiting on God to Bring You a Man

Sisters, Stop waiting on God to bring you a man.

As a matter of fact, if I hear this particular meme out of the mouths of otherwise intelligent and accomplished women, one more time, I think I'm going to scream. The complete insanity of this statement and how it misrepresents God's role in our lives never ceases to amaze me.

Let me ask you this: Would you wait for God to pay the rent? Finance your education? Fix your car? Better yet would you say, "Oh, Im just going to wait on God to finish this degree. I know when he is ready for me to have it, he'll let me know. I can't rush these things."

No? Sounds ridiculous right. Well if you're one of those women who are constantly talking about how you're waiting for God to being you your H.I.M. and you won't rush that, or won't questions God's pace as you sit and languish in dating no man's land, you sound just as ridiculous as my hypothetical situation above.

Look. Ultimately God helps those who help themselves. I know that's in the bible somewhere. I've heard it quoted often enough. So if you want to find your special someone than you have to actively help God out to make that happen. God's role isn't to find your man for you and drop him off at your front door, but to help you make a decision between the three men you've narrowed it down to and make sure that you choose the best guy for you and not just the one that makes your lady parts the hottest (even though hopefully they will be one in the same).

I recognize there is a very powerful Christian lobby out there that is conspiring to keep Black women single, in the church and hoping for a man. Well I'm here to tell you that that is not how it works. Just as many of you have worked hard to earn degrees, move up the corporate ladder and have otherwise successful lives--you're going to have to use those same skills to find your future husband.

Yes, I would love it if God dropped off a 6'3 250lb Idris Elba look-a-like with a PhD and a tenure track job at a major university who is an accomplished writer and could set the sheets on fire at my front door, but I know it doesn't work that way. And you should too.

Goodbye....for Now

Adios BBAS Readers,

I'm off to write this Masters Thesis that I've been putting off and that has to get written ASAP. Unfortunately blogging interferes with that so until the thesis is done I'm saying no to blogging.

For those of you who've been reading the blog since it's inception I'll see you soon (no later then Jan. 1) and thesis or no thesis will be back to commemorate my blog anniversary of Dec. 20.

For those of you who may be new to BBAS or just stumbled on the blog from Google or navabar search....stick around. There is always the Relationship Series:
How to Get a Date
The Fallacy of Chemistry
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to move On Part 2
Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates
The Shortage of Marriageable Black men and What to do About It
Can I Have a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts Please
It's a Date Not an Inquisition
Signs are Everywhere
Looks Don't Matter but Really They Do
Get a Life

A Look at Date Rape
How Date Rape Happens
Why I Wouldn't Tell

Me and Men
Don't Call Me Sexy
Cult of Man - The Truth Behind the Hype

And for the really curious, a look at how this whole blog got started.

Enjoy. Don't forget about me and I'll see you in January. Kisses.

JJ

Signs are Everywhere

Rule #3: Pay attention to the signs and act accordingly.

About a year ago I met a guy at a night club. It was really dark so I didn't really know what he looked like but I new he was short, dark and had a nice body. Anyway he asks for my number and I'm like, "what the heck."

Fast forward about a month and I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. i answer and it's the guy from the club. He says he was going through his phone, saw the number and decided to call before he deleted it. So we talk for about an hour and have a FABULOUS conversation. This pops off two months of dating. But almost immediately I recognize something isn't right.

Dude has fly clothes, a fly ride, made it rain in the club and ALWAYS drank top shelf, just basically spent money like it was going out of style....with no job. Yeah he was a student and he could have been living off of financial aid (his dad provided no support) but he ws driving a 2007 Charger fully loaded. Things didn't add up. Add to that that anytime I asked him about work he got real mum. He was very open abut everything else but that.

So while we had a god time things never went anywhere. We hung out but I never let it go further then that because I figured dude was dealing or doing something illegal for him to be living the big life as a (broke) jobless college student.

I could have easily overlooked that and just paid attention to the fact that we had a great time together and he was an IBM (ideal Black Man): Fine, college educated, single and no kids. And then acted all shocked and amazed when down the line I find out he's dealing or up to other shady activities.


This is what I mean when I say, "Signs are everywhere and to act accordingly." It's so easy to overlook OBVIOUS signs that a person or a relationship isn't right for you. Women, especially Black women, can be so happy to have a man or to have found their ideal man that they overlook what should be red flags about who a person is and how they relate to you.

Don't overlook the signs...good or bad...because ultimately not paying attention to the obvious can cost you dearly.


Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move on Pt. 2

It's a Date not an Inquisition

Rule # 2: Don't Interrogate Your Date

Exhibit A: Lindsay's Date With Oliver on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days

Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I've learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he's at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.

Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are a slew of questions the you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You're looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o'clock news.

Related Posts
Can I Get a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please
How To Get a Date

So GH Came...

...by about a week ago. Last Sunday in fact. It was nice having him over. He hadn't been over since the first night I'd moved into my new place. It was funny because he started making the, "I wanna have sex with you motions," and I pointed out that that ship had sailed. No more entering my port baby. LOL.

He seemed a bit surprised and tried to convince me to aid him in getting him off--which he proclaimed was not sexual in the least. Yeah whatever. I let him know the last time we had sex was really the last time. He took it all in stride though. It was all rather comical.

He came by again Wednesday to borrow five dollars and I looked at him and said, "Oh damn you're cute." LOL. It also made me realize that while I'm over GH I'll never really be over GH. LOL. Sigh. it is what it is.

The next day, Thursday I call him to see if he could take me to Target. He answers the phone and I'm thinking he's sleep 'cause his voice is all heavy. Turns out his cousin had died and he'd gotten the news 5am that morning. What I thought was sleep was actually tears. Caught me by surprise. I tried calling him last night to see how he was doing but he didn't answer. I'll probably try again today. I'm a little worried about him. He's lost a lot of people in the last year. What can I say...he's my friend. And I care. And honestly...there's no shaking the boy.

Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates

Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn't have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.

How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I'm a busy person I don't have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn't work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here's how it works:

Take a typical Saturday. I'll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we've spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.

It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.

Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It's just not for women on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.

Next: Black male shortage and what to do about it

Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2

I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.

3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

Knowing When to Move On

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn't be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date. Now I'm going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that's knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the differnce between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.

Yeah.

Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.

You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.

Period.

I Hate It When...

...a guy asks you out and when you say, "What are we going to do?"

He says, "Uh, I don't know. You decide."

WTF?

You asked me out. You should have a date idea or ideas in mind. If you want to talk about it before hand that's fine but to have NO idea...that's just lazy.

And damn annoying.

How To Get a Date

I'm really beginning to think that many a Black woman is clueless on how to get a date. And I don't really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could have a date tonight if I wanted one.

If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren't getting one, my guess is you're doing 1 of 4 things:

1. Always with other women

2. Not going out where the men are

3. Not going on a date because he doesn't fit your ideal of "The One"

4. Not making the most of opportunities

The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you're ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:

1. When you're out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you're at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you're going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you're going to be sitting around all night asking, "Where the men at?"

2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won't look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It's not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you're looking for.

The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.

So if you're constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they're no men then it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.

Now before you say, "But JJ I don't know where to go." I'd say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you'd be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you'll know where to go.

The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you're turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don't fit your ideal of "The One."

We've all heard the saying 'You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince." Well, I'm saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you're turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they're not 6'1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don't have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.

From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you'd initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you'd usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don't want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.

The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you're a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You're probably meeting available men all of the time. But you're not taking the time to notice because you're so caught up in what you're doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.

Next: Volume Dating