Sunday, August 10, 2008

Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery--leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big...marry Aidan.

I don't get this. I don't get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn't that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you're with a man who doesn't want to get married, when you're looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.


Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It


LuckyGirl said...

Why, instead of waiting for a man to propose, do women still not do the proposing themselves? If he's not interested, then you've got your answer, and you know it's time to move on.

JJ said...

A woman proposing is still not socially acceptable. It reeks of desperation. But if a man wants to marry you, you will know. You won't ned to guess.

Who's That Gurl? said...

Amen, Brown Sugar! This post is the real deal...especially "Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter."

Yep, yep, yep...

P.S. Did you get the martini I sent ;)?

JJ said...

No actually I didn't.

I actually send shout outs to folk who send

Let me check my account.

JJ said...

No Ma'am.

Did not.

But I do thank you nonetheless:-)

Anonymous said...

Greetings yall. I'm new to this comment thing but I read your blog all the time and I really dig what you got to say... on this topic though I had to get my hands dirty. My question is why is marriage the end all be all of everything. I feel like so many couples are fine and happy with their situation and they get married and it all falls apart. Now I have never been married so I can't begin to understand what that is all about but from what I've heard you are all of a sudden expected to be a totally different person and this leads to fights, which leads to a separation, which leads to the inevitable be "D" (and I’m not talking about the one you wish you were getting ladies)

But like everyone else I want to get married one day. I have no idea why that piece of paper is so important but I want it. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years, since we were 14 yrs old, and we are just now starting to have those marriage/children talks and I’m worried that if we did get married things would change. I love the way things are now and I don’t want the pressures of marriage to ruin that. I think that's what a lot of men are scared of too. A part of them feels like they sitll have this freedom to be their own person and "do whatever they want" whether it's real or imaginary. But I feel like women are scared of that freedom and want to take it away by getting married. Not in a vicious or overbearing way but in a way to protect themselves or guarantee something. But we all know their are no guarantees in life. As the divorce rate skyrockets my cold feet get colder so for now I’m just enjoying life and the family that I feel like I already have.

Who's That Gurl? said...

OK...I hate to sound like a old, bitter chick but...

I felt the same way in my 20s (why is marriage so important? and I don't want to be tied down, etc.).

However...that ish changes when you hit your mid-thirties, your clock is ticking, and you start wondering if singleness is your lot in life. There comes a time in life when you want the security of knowing you have someone there who's not only a spouse but a friend. Someone who has your back and vice versa. I don't know of any woman who wants to spends her latter years alone. Not to mention it's just plain ol' unhealthy. I've said it before but give it a few years. Your perspective on life, marriage, etc. changes over time. I agree, marriage is not the end all be all but being happy and having companionship is extremly important.

Anonymous said...

"Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. "

well said. not just this quote, the whole blog. i think you inspired tomorrow's post on Belle.

Ebony Intuition said...

great post and great convo and tips...

The Black Kat said...

Loved this blog. Actually... I like a lot of your reads. =o) I know a few folks who got married by ultimatum *sigh* so... I definitley can feel you on this one. I would always say... "um, if you've got to give the brotha an ultimatum to marry you in the first place, chances are... he's not the one you need to be marrying."