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My Sexual Fantasy: Dominate Me

I don’t have a whole lot going in the way of sexual fantasies.

Sex in the rain.

Public sex.

Watching other folk get it on

But what I really like and am often afraid (ashamed) to admit is that I like to be dominated.

Not full on S&M to the point where I’m bloodied, bruised or in pain mind you. But enough to where there’s little doubt about who’s in control of the show…and I don’t want it to be me.

See, I’m a bit of a control freak in my everyday life. I’m super independent. I take care of myself and help with my family. I’m your all around post women’s rights movement “I don’t have to rely on a man,” type of gal. So, when I get in the bedroom I want someone else to be in charge for a change.

Now, this wasn’t always the case. Once upon a time I wanted to be the dominant one. I wanted to be in control of the situation, my man, myself, the whole deal. But that was a young girl who was power trippin’ and rather enjoying the new found power that sex gave me.

Fast forward some years and a girl got tired of always being in charge. Tell me what to do….please. Smack me around a bit. Tie me up. Bite me. It’s your show baby; I’m just along for the ride.

I believe it’s called being a submissive in sex lingo. Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean I lie there like a fish. I’m a very active participant; I just want you to prove to me you’re the man you claim to be.

I don’t to often share this little fantasy with many of the men I date. In all honesty, most aren’t up for the challenge. If they can’t handle me outside the bedroom, there’s no way in the hell they can handle me inside the bedroom. So, it’s something I keep to myself, waiting to find the right man that I trust enough to handle me the way I like to be handled.

I’ve got one now who seems to be u to the task. We will see. So you now you know my sexual fantasy. What are yours?

Saying "Only a Black Man for Me" Means You'll be "Alone and Lonely"

From a reader:

I read about that woman at another blog and if THAT is what she feels she has to do in order to find someone then that's her own choice.

I personally would not take that approach but everyone can/should make their own decisions about how to go about making their goals happen.

Many black women are unpartnered because they fail to understand that "only but a black man" mentality is the VERY REASON why so many of us stay unmarried for most of our lives.

The statistics are quite clear...black women outnumber black men in EVERY major city by six to one.

Ladies, there WILL NOT be one brotha for every sista. It is a mathematical impossibility.

Now that we understand the statistics we realize that we have to expand our options to men of other races. In order to expand our options, we need to become more aware of the norms and expectations that other cultures operate with and NOT assume that what's okay in the all-black setting will be how everyone is in all settings.

I believe that black women can find love but they need to understand that we have to break out of the fantasy and accept some of the reality. We need to become multicultural in our lives. It is not an option.

I'm not saying you have to go out and date a white man, but some of ya'll live in predominantly white neighborhoods, work at predominantly white jobs and only see other black people when you hang out with your friends and go to church and we all know most of the people in pews look like you...but ya'll are still hollering, "Only a black man for me!"

Come on.

Really?

Some of ya'll really having me scratching my head saying WTF?

Look, there is no need to be a martyr for 'The Cause.' You don't get brownie points for "keeping it real" by not dating out of yur race. And some of ya'll are so far gone that you won't even date men of the diaspora. Some of ya'll, when you say black, mean Black American and that eliminates Africans, Hatians, Jamaicans and other men of the diaspora.

I know so many women who sit around and complain about the numbers, but then don't want to do anything about it. So many women I know can run down a litany of reasons why brothers are the worst thing since the Bubonic Plague, yet when you mention the idea of them dating out they look at you like you just suggested they become lesbians.

Get with the program. Keep your options open. Go on a date. And see what happens. As we all know time stops for no man and if you're sitting around talking about, "only a black man for me," then you might as well be saying, "I'm going to be alone and lonely."

So What's the Real Reason You Aren't Married?

One lady has taken a very proactive approach to getting married with her site: 52 Weeks to Find My Husband. From her About Me page:

52 weeks 2 Find Him is a social experiment that focuses on a 42 year-old woman's journey to find her husband. It is an online documentary that is shaped by Neenah's actions and reactions, along with viewers' participation. What happens when a woman invites the world to become her dating coach? Each week, we invite you to tune-in and join-in by helping with Neenah's search, as she explores: the many methods of meeting eligible men, preparing for dates, and maintaining a healthy, romantic relationship.

Now I recognize what she's doing is extreme, but at least she's doing something. We can talk all day long about how there are no available black men, how they all date white women and how they are all in jail or on the down low. For me, however, that all sounds like a bunch of excuses. To me, the perceived issues with black men aren't really the problem. And mind you, I'm not talking about poor, uneducated women here. I'm talking about you well educated, professional sisters who seem to be successful in every aspect of your life other than romantically.

So once again I ask, what's the real reason you're single?

For those of you who don't want to be married and are happily single, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about women who (in some cases desperately) want to be married or at the very least partnered up...why are you single?

I contend that getting married isn't that hard to do. Getting a boyfriend definitely isn't that hard to do. I do know that if you aren't proactive about either of the above then they become increasingly difficult to do.

My aunt, when she was 60 (she'll be 67 this month) got married for the second time. She met a man at her pinochle club meeting, dated him, and he proposed. Prior to this she had other relationships, all as an over 40 woman with a daughter in college (she had three other grown daughters) and adopting her niece's daughter who died in a car accident.

She is overweight, though shapely. She isn't light-skinned, doesn't have long her and her eyes are an uninspiring brown. She would best be described as a handsome woman, though she is extra fly. And, as far as I can remember she has always had a man...when she wanted one.

So, if my 67 year old aunt can be on her second husband and did so while being a single parent to a then tween aged daughter, why are you young, attractive, no children having twenty, thirty and forty-somethings having such a hard time finding, keeping and marrying a man?

Are you dating?
Do you have a life?
Are you waiting for God to bring you a man?

What?

And I think if you're serious about finding someone in the 09 then you need to answer that question and then you need to do something about it.

Why Down Low Men Aren't the Problem

Down Low men aren't the problem.

I'm really tired of black women believing that the biggest risk to their sexual health is the idea that they may be sleeping with a man who is sleeping with other men.

The biggest risk to black woman's sexual health is the lack of condom use and unfaithful men period. It doesn't matter who he's being unfaithful with, it just matters that he's not only sleeping with you, and you're not using protection with him. That's how you catch ish. That's what you need to concern yourself with.

Every since that dude wrote that book many black women have been treating every black man they encounter as a suspect. How many times have a heard someone say, "Girl, you need to be careful. He might be on the Down Low."

Funny, but I rarely hear women mention this caution when they think or know their man is sleeping with another woman. Where's the concern then? Where's the fear?

Newsflash: there is no evidence or study that shows black women are contracting sexually transmitted diseases because the men they are sleeping with are all secretly gay, just in the closet.

If we were to have an honest discussion about factors that contribute to black women contracting HIV and other STDs then the mass incarceration of black males would be part of that conversation. What everyone knows, but no one likes to talk about, is that sex in prison is normative.

Men who otherwise wouldn't be having homosexual encounters do so when in prison. And many of these men don't consider themselves gay and don't go on to lead gay lives once they leave prison. Since sex is against the rules in prison, no one is passing out condoms and diseases are being spread. These men get out, go back to sleeping with women, women aren't insisting on condoms or don't use them regularly and volia you've got high STD rates among a certain age and class of black women.

But instead of having that conversation, everyone is running around hopping, skipping, jumping and being afraid of the Down Low. It's a new year. If we're not honest with ourselves about what the dangers are, then how can we address the problems. Every black man isn't suspect and it's high time black women stop treating them like they are.

Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me

Originally Posted on t-time 080708

I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of "Only a Black for me," is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:

…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.

When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anyone but a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.

Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.

What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.

Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.

Looking for Love? Let love Find You?

Original Posted 082208 on t-time

So often we have in our head the type of man we want. By the time we’ve graduated form college and head into the real world we’ve perfected our list of must-haves: tall, dark handsome, educated, ambitious, successful or headed in that direction….etc. But what happens when the love we were looking for turns out to look quite differently then the love that finds us?

Currently I find myself in an (almost) relationship with someone who is (almost) nothing like the man I see myself with. He’s not my physical ideal. He’s way to young and his choice of profession leaves a lot to be desired. But he’s sweet, funny and is more emotionally mature then men I’ve dated that were ten years his senior. Even with all of his good qualities I still have a hard time admitting to myself that I like him. I don’t believe that all relationships have to end in marriage or that just because you like (love) someone means that is the person you should be with. Love is but one of many factors that have to be considered but he’s just so different from what I would choose for myself.

It was all an accident how we ended up (sorta) together to begin with but what was supposed to be causal turned into a lot more and I’m still wringing my hands about it. Arguably this is the most relaxed I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Minus a few initial bumps the relationship is drama free. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company and the sex is good…yet I keep asking myself, “What are you doing with him?” I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found herself in this situation.

I think as women, we sometimes get so wrapped up in what our idea of Mr. Right is that we miss out on an actual Mr. Right that may waltz into out lives. I know I find myself in strange territory. I haven’t been seriously involved with someone in a few years at the earliest and that lasted a few months. And yet here I am, tiptoeing my way into a relationship with caution and my eyes wide open with a man I had determined wasn’t “getting any” and, once we crossed that barrier, was just going to be a “causal relationship, ” all at a time in my life when I definitely wasn’t looking for love.

Maybe that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re just looking to hard. Sometimes, just maybe, we should stop looking for love and let love find us.

Quote of the Day

Don't depend on other people to be responsible for you. Don't make yourself stressed out over nonsensical things like material things.
- Eartha Kit

Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Originally Posted 082308 On t-time

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

The Bait and Switch
There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by - don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can out right lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

Punishing With/Withholding Sex
Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight
Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.