Friday, January 02, 2009

Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me

Originally Posted on t-time 080708

I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of "Only a Black for me," is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:

…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.

When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anyone but a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.

Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.

What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.

Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.


Bryan Wilhite said...

You've just lost your guest spot on the next Oprah for this one! I would like to ADD to what you are saying and help us NEVER forget that whiteness is ready for all skin colors. The most melanized love of your life can be deeply white. What is whiteness? When you make the mistake of calling war "natural" that is a sure sign of whiteness. Too many self described "Black warriors" do this... I did in my twenties...

Anonymous said...

I agree 100%! I could never date a white man but would have no problem dating other races of people.

JJ said...


There are plenty of White Black men I wouldn't date either. Plenty. And yes many self proclaimed "Black Warriors," are a no go for any number of reasons.

Jess said...

You are so stupid! I mean, think about it,bm HATE dark skinned bw so what are you setting you future daughter up for when you have a child by one of these bm who are known for drooling over light/white women?70%of bw are single, what will it be when you future daughter grows up? Black women like you are very selfish and I put you in the same category as the bm who constantly degrade bw and place ANY light/white woman above us.

Jaded said...

I totally understand your post. I like in CA and as a chocolate girl...the brothers aren't interested! And I am so conflicted about white guys. Especially the one who think of black girls as a stamp on their passport! I guess this means we've gotta run the gamut of the brown (and "yellow") people!

and1grad said...

I care more about how we relate to each other and if the vibe is right than I do skin color. I think too many black women place too much emphasis on their color and even their shade of that color and its not only pessimistic but self-defeating.

Sunshyne said...

If I were to go white he'd be the darkest of the bunch like an Italian or somethin. I just like my men dark.

tasha212 said...

I agree wholeheartedly.

clnmike said...


You are an ignorant muthafucka.

Whats the matter not enough black women to holla at?

Anonymous said...

I do not agree at all - I would much rather date a white man than another black woman - lesbianism is not an acceptable substitute for a man!

Interracial Love Magazine said...

This is Interracial Love Magazine.

How are you, Love?

You appear to have a warped sensed of what "being black" is.

1)The corporate world is not made up of solely Caucasians or "assimilated Blacks."

2) Speaking proper, gramatically-correct English does not belong to Whites.

3) Of course White privilege and racism exists. And it will continue to exist regardless of who you date.

In my opinion, it isn't so much the fact you are not attracted White men as it is you:

A) Don't feel worthy of their attention

B) Do not truly understand or have the ability to tolerate other culture

C) Think that dating White men is "selling out" and being non-supportive to black men or black culture.

D) Think that you have to change who you are for White men.

Of course, not all Black women will be attracted to White men, that's a given. And I respect that.

But segregating yourself is doing you a disservice.

And hey, what's so wrong with biracial children? I have plenty.

Interracial Love Magazine

DV said...

The Enemy? White men are the ENEMY? Go ahead and segregate yourself and live in your afro-narcissistic world, but please ... stop suggesting, as you do here, that whites demand respect from you. The only thing "the Enemy" demands from you is to leave us alone. No one I know of ever asked a black woman to "wear the veil," whatever that is. You appear deeply and disturbingly self-obsessed, but in any case, don't worry, none of your enemies will demand that you make love to them or bear their children. If you think they do, you need to get an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Anonymous said...

I am a whute male. For the record I feel the same way about black women. However I don't mind taking the occasional test drive in a black sports car, I just don't ever want to buy it.

african woman said...

I am a black woman and I absolutely agree with you I don't like to date white man but there's no problem for me to date other races specially asian men.

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