Tell Him to "Put a Ring On It"

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I'm doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I'm up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don't pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can't be mad at me

[Chorus] Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don't be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce's Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down some where and take a break...she has a point.

How many of you ladies out their hollering you want to get married are telling your men to "Put a ring on it?"

A few questions:

How many of you are with men who you know don't want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don't want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will happen...one day...but they day never seems to come?

How many of you have men you've been with for awhile but are to afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to "put a ring on it," are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen up ladies: There's nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you're serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that's what you want or you'll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for...whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, "I can change his mind," if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It's time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he's looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it's casual and that's not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man's mind.

If you've been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is going...you need to ask. If he doesn't give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn't, then you're not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There's nothing wrong with telling a man to "Put a ring on it." And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life's too short to wait on someone who doesn't want you.

There are Men You Date and There are Men You Marry

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Well the same applies to men. There are men you date and there are men you marry or, put another way, you can't turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By "hustler" I don't mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don't have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, "I can change him," or "Love will conquer all." Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at "Happily Ever After."

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don't have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, "love him" then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can't make him ready, that's something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you're with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren't what you need them to be then you know he's a man you date, not one you marry.

Related Posts
Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy
Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On
Ladies Stop Playing Wife If Your Man is Not Playing Husband

Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery--leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big...marry Aidan.

I don't get this. I don't get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn't that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you're with a man who doesn't want to get married, when you're looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It

Ladies, Stop Playing Wife If Your Man's Not Playing Husband

To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You're making it hard for the rest of us. I'm tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I'm tired of the men who's first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won't be doing it for you.

I'm tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and "chill" as I let them know that it's too late to be at my crib and what ever "chilling" they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it's their right in life to have a "dime." And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can't possibly understand why I'm not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don't get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn't return didn't send the message that I wasn't interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don't. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I'm the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I'm old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it's a man's job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny's Child "Cater to You" to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that's what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn't be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don't expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you're operating on 10%, I'm operating on 20 and that's just because I'm nice--sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don't play wife, unless you're playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

I Still Don't Believe It

Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2

I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.

3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

Knowing When to Move On

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn't be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date. Now I'm going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that's knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the differnce between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.

Yeah.

Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.

You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.

Period.