Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ladies, Stop Playing Wife If Your Man's Not Playing Husband


To all the desperate women out there: Stop it. You're making it hard for the rest of us. I'm tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I'm tired of the men who's first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won't be doing it for you.

I'm tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and "chill" as I let them know that it's too late to be at my crib and what ever "chilling" they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it's their right in life to have a "dime." And that my extra fly ass should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can't possibly understand why I'm not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don't get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn't return didn't send the message that I wasn't interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don't. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I'm the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I'm old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it's a man's job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny's Child "Cater to You" to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that's what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn't be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don't expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you're operating on 10%, I'm operating on 20 and that's just because I'm nice--sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don't play wife, unless you're playing husband. A sentiment I wish more young women would take to heart.

48 comments:

ingridspeak said...

Amen! I am so with you on that one. As a reformed whatever it takes woman, let me tell you once you recognize you are damn good by yourself it makes you more likely to choose rather than chase. But you made a good point about women flipping dating on its ear. I wish we call all learn this lesson. Then maybe so many of us could quit crying the blues over some man who only gave 10%.

Fair exchange is no robbery.

JJ said...

I had "Stand By Your Man" syndrome bad with this one dude when I was younger.

I don't know where I contracted the illness because my momma wasn't that type of woman.

But I can tell you...if a man wants to be with you he will be with you. You don't have to do all of that. And at this point in my life, I refuse.

Hell if it means I have to be alone, then so be it. 'Cause I am NOT a floor mat to be walked ove.

Anonymous said...

I feel like if you're getting husband material from your mate then you should give wife material in return. If it's not the case, then end it and move on before anyone gets hurt.

clnmike said...

".... it's a man's job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing."

As it should be, cant argue with that problem is, there is very little reason to chase any woman now a days.

Paul Eilers said...

You go, girl!

JJ said...

@clnmike

Depends on the man. My experience men go after what they want. They want you, they will chase you.

The 78 Ms. J said...

I completely agree with this and you are right, if only this message was getting to who it needed to reach.

DigitalSleep said...

While for the most part, I would agree with you and how you feel. I have a lot of female friends, and I find myself asking them why would they settle for so little when they have so much to offer. I don’t think anyone, men or women should settle for crap. I teach my girls to put on their beatem in the head helmets, because they will need them.

I do feel like the real truth of your thoughts got to little shine, if you give 150% then you should get the same in return. That’s only right.
I really think a man should be a man and do his best to set this world on fire, but I do think some of your ideas on courting are dated, I think a mutual chase is healthy for both.

JJ said...

@digitalsleep

Perhaps. But experience has taught me , if he's not chasing you then he's not that interested. So why bother?

Now, I'm a firm believer in whoever asks who out should pay. And when I ask I pay. But as far as chasing a guy...that still doesn't go over well if you're a woman.

Besides it's not like women don't lay most of the groundwork so the man can chase them.

A said...

Bravo!!!! This catering stuff is new to me. I'm a Southern girl who's drawn to gentlemen (at least that's what they try to be on the outside), so me doing more is new. I've JUST learned to give more when someone's really deserving of it and not just sit back and be catered to in a serious relationship.

Angry African said...

Busy catching up after my time in China and Bucks County. Very different places. Just stopped by to say one EXCELLENT post. So true. So, so true.

Anonymous said...

no one is perfect not even you. Sometimes you might have to see potential. And take a look in a mirror because think to yourself why am i attracting these kind of men. while you r throwing out numbers here is one 50/50

JJ said...

@ anonymous

Relationships aren't 50/50. They are 100/100.

I notice "potential" just fine. Assholeness on the other hand is also something I notice but choose not to deal with.

This isn't about being perfect. It's about simple respect and reciprocation.

I give as god as get. But don't expect me to give my all and dude is give nothing.

That's not a relationship.

Anonymous said...

I AGREE WITH MOST OF THE THINGS YOU SAID. I AM A MAN WHO PRACTICES FLIRTING WITH AND CATERING TO MY LADY, BUT AS YOU SAID I EXPECT RECIPROCATION. THOUGH AS MEN AND WOMEN WE REQUIRE DIFFERENT TYPES OF CATERING OR FLIRTING. I ENJOY WATCHING MY LADIES BEAUTIFICATION PROCESS AND THE NAIL SALON / BEAUTY SALON. I SOMETIMES GET A PEDICURE WITH HER. AS THE ROLES MEN AND WOMEN PLAY AT HOME AND WORK HAVE CHANGED AND BEGAN TO EQUAL SO SHOULD THE COURTING. NOW THOSE WOMEN WHO LOWER THEIR STANDARDS AND SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THEIR WORTH. AS AN INDIVIDUAL I CANNOT CONTROL THAT, BUT THAT IS THE SAME AS WHEN I MEET A WOMAN WHO HAS JUST COME OUT OF A SITUATION WHERE SHE WAS USED. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE SHE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT WAS THEN AND I AM NOW.

Southern Belle said...

Amen!!! As my Mudear used to say, "Tell the truth and shame the Devil!!"

Poet said...

it's about time somebody put in words that maybe my friends can understand! u r offically added to by favorites..if i hear on more P i don't understand this or that story i'm going to break something. my friends say i'm mean but if by mean u really meant i know my worth and won't stoop for the bs then i'll be mean all day...when did it become cool to lower ur self worth and standards just to say you have somebody? sisters stop settling for whatever your stepping over in the gutter it's a reason y his ass is there to begin with!

coco said...

GIrl, thank you for putting that so well, I agree 100%. Im so sick of these men it aint even funny. A man will only do what you allow, and like you said, we have to be the ones to change our actions. I will be adding you to my bookmarks!

youknowyoudeadazzwrong said...

You better go head!!!! I'm coming to you by way of Necole Bitchie! She featured you on her blog and I'm go glad she did! You are now one of my favorite bloggers!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog post on Necole Bitchie's site! That blog just made my day and reminded me of the way things should be. We woman should not be chasing these men. I have to admit that I am guilty by trying to get and keep a man. And chasing him, that is so not in my character and I still found some way to do it! I am a changed young lady now and you have just confirmed my thoughts. Thanks girl!

Miss April Joy said...

girl you better work, I saw your post on Necole Bitchie and this just made my day, its what I have been trying to say for awhile and it was so true and a wonderful read

Adrienne said...

I also was sent here by way of Necole and I agreed with your post so much that I had to come over here and show you some love! I too am 28 and have noticed the same things you have. I think another reason men feel that they can be choosey, is that women outnumber them by like 3 to 1. Even with a shortage of men, there is still no excuse for chasing a man. If you have any self-worth, you know that you are worthy of being pursued and not the other way around. Thank you for writing this. I loved reading it and I am glad to know I am not the ONLY sista who feels the same way.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree!! Good to know that I am not the only woman who feels this way. Def hard to find a man that weants to "court" his women, when he's so used to getting his ass kiss and being chased around town. It all stems from family, Mothers and Fathers teach you son how to treat women...

F.U. said...

You ain't neva lied! Well maybe you have, but not about this! Black women, unfortunately, are desperate for love, attention, and the Cinderella happy ending. Because of this, they allow themselves to stay in 'relationships' that they know damn well are only hurting them, choosing to be 'blind' to the fact that they give their bodies, their hearts, their souls and their tears to men who could give two shits about them. And why? Because having somebody - just any ol' body is better than being alone. It is sad situation that I don't see changing anytime soon, unfortunately.

Black women are more powerful than ever before. Making more money, thoroughly educated, business savvy, and have the ability to do anything and be anybody BUT they still don't feel complete unless they have a man by their side - and it doesn't matter if this man is deserving of them or not. There is always the hope that they can change him. He'll see how good I am and then he'll be good to me. It is a syndrome and an ugly cycle. As a black woman, I see it all day long among my friends, family, and even on my damn TV. I don't have the tolerance, the patience or the need to deal with anybody (male or female) in any kind of relationship who isn't giving the same 1,000% that I give. People have told me that I shouldn't expect a whole lot from people because you will just end up disappointed. I think that is bull. Until proven otherwise, I believe in expecting and receiving the best from everybody because you will always get the best from me. When you show your ass is when I'm done. No excuses, no explanations, no thank you.

Anyway, thank you for putting this out there. Even if only woman has decided that she's done playin wifey to some man that only calls her when his other jumpoff is busy, then you have made your point and made a difference.

Keep doin whatchu do!

J.I. said...

I could not agree more. Quite a few men I know act like gods amoung us mere mortal women. Hopefully enough women will read this and learn.

kayellejaye said...

Preach on sistah! I agree 100%.

Anonymous said...

You trippin...

NaturallyAlise said...

Thank you for this blog girl! I have a few chicks I need to send this too 'imme-jiatley', and no raggedy ninja is gonna buy the cow when they are getting milk, butter,yogurt AND ice cream for free.....

Soopa Starr said...

CHUUUCH!!!! And sadly, with black men, the more educated and financially set they are, they reaaaaalllly feel themselves extra hard. Ugh.

www.GangstarrGirl.com

yes said...

*snaps* boy dating is a mess

im puttin this on facebook

im feeling the music too

Belle is... said...

You killed this. I threw it up on my blog (with credit and a link, of course) because you so summed up my thoughts on the matter and I couldn't have said it better.

Thanks, mama.

Great blog, btw.

Demetria
abelleinbrooklyn

Loni said...

someone stole your words

http://lipstickalley.com/showthread.php?p=3051112#post3051112

Anonymous said...

Someone stole your exact wording on http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/link-of-the-week-deja-vu/#comment-17468

stilettos said...

That's what up!

Chaunece said...

As a young female (20) I whole-heartedly agree with you. I wish I could find the words to express this to my peers. I look at whats going on around me and I'm really confused as to what these people are thinking! Thank you for this

foreverloyal said...

In complete agreement.

Mrs. d said...

This is something I have tried to communicate to younger women but I am seen as old fashioned. I am so glad to see a young sister with this mindset. Honey, you keep writing and keep telling the truth!! Great post.

Anonymous said...

More young women need to read this. This is excellent. I don't understand why women have started bending over backwards for men that don't deserve it. I'm very quick to let go when I meet a guy and I find that he doesn't want to put in what he wants out of a relationship.

The Lady said...

Excellent post. I love this blog.

THE 78' MS. J said...

You will be happy to know that this post has offically become a web classic. How do I know? I just got this entire post in my email, and I was like wait...I read this I know who wrote it. Congrats on official Web Celeb status.

JJ said...

@the 78' ms. j

lol.

Thanx.

I realized something was up when I posted it to global grind...about a week after the original post...and I got about 300 hits from there alone.

I was like, "Damn. I must hit a nerve with this one."

lol.

MangoButtahQueen said...

You sure did!!!

Thanks for letting me know that I;m not the only person out here thinking the same thing!!!

Anonymous said...

Standing ovation!!!Well said, Sista!

Anonymous said...

Oh please stop. I assign the blame on both parties male and female. Although I am terribly partial to the the female perspective being that I am a married Af Am male from a two parent home, whom is about to create a 2 parent family of my own. I have 2 sisters, aunts, etc. etc.
No one wants to talk about it, no one wants to point the blame to the origins of our sad hodge podge, patchwork culture put together and perpetuated from the remnants of slave culture. From the religion/ church right down to our relationships (the way men and women act toward each other), cultural norms i.e. the whole light skin/ dark skin thing, diet (collard greens, pork by products, mac and cheese, cornbread etc.= heart attack, and is responsible why we disproportionately represent every negative health statistic)!
Black women for the most part (that does not mean everyone) have for years been done over, ran over, did dirty whatever you want to say by a black man who was bad or just MIA, which gave birth to the black superwoman. When I say superwoman I mean, woman who had the strength and fortitude to hold down a household, "raise" kids, keep two jobs etc. etc. Now that is the positive, the negative is these same women subconciously feminized the sons (you know the old adage, love your son and raise their daughters) and directly gave to their daughters this crazy notion that they ought not trust black men, they don't need black men, you do for yourself because a man will leave you, etc. etc. so on and so forth. If that is the case, you are carrying around your great grandmother, grandmother, and mothers baggage concerning men. If that is the case why do you want a man or wedding in the first place? No other men have this kind of problem with their women. No other groups' women are raised to not believe in their own men no mattter how crazy and f#&* up they are. I have never heard a irish women talking about f@&k these drunk, fighting irish men.
Or have we all forgotten how black men were mentally, and physically handicapped during and POST slavery. This isn't to throw a pity party for black men, don't get me wrong, but it is irresponsible to blame the victim and I do not participate in this.
As a college educated man, most sisters I have come across ARE NOT any semblance of a Michelle Obama. Why? Michelle can trust a man, she was raised by her father, and saw a working model of how a man is supposed to be. How to believe in herself, and what a family is supposed to be about. I imagine she didn't over hear her mother tell her to ride for herself b/c you can't trust no man, essentially burdening her daughter with her own failed relationships. Does this mean there is no hope, of course not, just an uphill climb to erase legacies of the same crap.
It is unfortunate that black women have always and continue to bear the brunt of all that ails our culture. I have an older and younger sister whom are well educated, smart (my older sis's complaints oddly mirror this article such that it was deja vu of our own conversations. I have a beautiful 100% Nubian, chocolate queen whom we find out in a few days if we are expecting a boy or girl in a few months, I have a fantastic and beautiful mother whose model they no longer make.
Sisters I feel you, I really do. So why don't you guys clean out your own closets by going to see a trained liscensed PhD counselor of color,(No PREACHERS, their supremacy in our culture is a remnant of slave culture) and relieve yourself of the baggage of all the women in your families who came before you in order to be healthy and enjoy a healthy relationship with yourself first then by extension another person. I know it is taboo in our culture, (ignorance) but no one can be your cake. They can add to your life, be the proverbial icing, but never could another person be your cake. Fact is, if you are broken i.e. from a disfunctional family or environment what would make you think you could nurture a "normal" relationship. Basically if you do not love yourself for whatever reason (you were not taught to), what do you think you exude and radiate to another person be it a friendship or a lover?
Yes sadly we live in a culture that preaches things extrinsic to us can fix what troubles us intrinsically. You know that it is preached that a car, or house, or job, or man, a wedding, or degree, or what school we went to or whatever can somehow fix our pain which is how consumerism works to a degree.
You only attract what you put out. Men know who to bring that weakness to, and whom not to. Reflect inwardly and the outside will follow suit. If it is that brothers are too immature, too used to these rats, then like my sister says "OPERATION OTHER". Date other men (Indian, white, whatever), whom can give you want you want (not those just wanting to try a black women). If what I am saying seems foreign, then pick up a book. One of my favorite authors a staunch womanists, and sister with a lot of moxie, (bell hooks). I suggest you start with SisterHood of the Yam. Have the courage to be your damn self, that mean dress, hair, so on and so forth. If you carry yourself a certain way, you will attract what you are looking for, someone who can handle you and meet you for what you need and vice versa. IT STARTS WITH YOURSELF, it is always about yourself!

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