Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tell Him to "Put a Ring On It"

Up in the club (club), we just broke up (up) I'm doing my own little thing You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip) Cause another brother noticed me I'm up on him (him), he up on me (me) Don't pay him any attention Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years) You can't be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it Don't be mad once you see that *he* want it If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

And so goes Beyonce's Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It). And while I believe Beyonce needs to go sit down some where and take a break...she has a point.

How many of you ladies out their hollering you want to get married are telling your men to "Put a ring on it?"

A few questions:

How many of you are with men who you know don't want to be married. Ever. Or better yet simply don't want to be married to you, yet you stay with him anyway hoping to change his mind?

How many of you have men who you have been with 2+ years and you want to get married, but every time you bring it up he changes the topic? Or he keeps saying it will day...but they day never seems to come?

How many of you have men you've been with for awhile but are to afraid to bring up the subject of marriage for fear that it will scare him off and he will leave you?
How many?

See, too many women who should be telling a brother to "put a ring on it," are too afraid to do so. Instead, they are staying with men hoping, praying, wishing, that the man will come to his senses and propose, so they can live happily ever after.

Listen up ladies
: There's nothing wrong with telling a brother that marriage is what you want and expect. As a matter of fact, if you're serious about getting married, then you better tell a brother that that's what you want or you'll find yourself with a boyfriend for eight years, a couple of babies and no ring on your finger.

You can talk to me all day long about the numbers, but it seems to me too many women are willing to hold on to any man just to say they have one and are too willing to compromise their wants, needs and desires just to keep one.

How many of you actually date marriage minded men?

How many of you ask a guy before you get involved with him what he is looking for...whether he is looking for something casual or something more serious?

If you did ask, how many of you listened to what he told you? Or did you say, "I can change his mind," if he told you he was just looking for something casual?
How many?

At some point Black women are going to have to take responsibility for their lack of marriage. We all know the problems. It's time we start focusing on solutions. You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men.

You need to ask a guy what he's looking for early on, so you know if this guy is looking for something serious or something casual. If it's casual and that's not what you want then you need to move on. Stop believing you can change a man's mind.

If you've been with a guy for awhile and you want to know where the relationship is need to ask. If he doesn't give you the answer you want to hear, then leave. Relationships are about compatibility. If you want to get married and he doesn't, then you're not compatible. It really is that simple.

Sisters need to stop selling themselves short and giving up their power to the men in their lives. There's nothing wrong with telling a man to "Put a ring on it." And if he balks at the idea., find someone who will. Life's too short to wait on someone who doesn't want you.


Nicole said...

Preach! lol. I have to agree with you. I think people waist wayyyy to much time dealing with people that will never give them what they want...thinking they can change them. There has to be an understanding in the beginning of the relationship as to what each of us expects to get out of this. If he's expecting sex and a really good friend and I'm expecting marriage and some children...we've got a problem! Life is too short to be waisting time!

Ebony Intuition said...

I think the real issue between black men and black women getting married is the communication factor of actually bringing the subject up in the 1st place. And also like you stated even when the subject matter is brought up, if the man gives a NO for an answer then there's no point on wasting time being with that man.

"There has to be an understanding in the beginning of the relationship as to what each of us expects to get out of this"

Exactly, there has to be an understanding and as the relationship grows there has to be observation because things can always change.

Now this is proper advice, i'm tired of people saying to jump to other races as if that is going to solve anything, if black men and women would talk about marriage in the 1st place more people would be married and being living healthy and happy lifestyles.

Ebony Intuition said...

I'm in a relationship with a black man and our relationship is growing beautifully because we talk about the things we want out of our relationship and the things we want out of life. Which includes, marriage, children , etc.

Great post as always..

Ebony Intuition said...

"You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men."


Anonymous said...

@ Nicole & Ebony

Good points!!!

Anonymous said...

"You want to get married, then you need to date marriage minded men."<---Real talk!

I like this post. But I think too many women act like having a ring is the end all/be all to their existence, and they end up settling for any old thing to marry. It's one thing to be married, but it's something completely different to be married to a man worth marrying.

In May, a friend of mine married her boyfriend of 8 eight years. They have several kids together...not including the kid he has from one of his many, many, many affairs. Problem is her husband IS cheating on her already. He was cheating on her right up to a week before the wedding. So yeah he 'put a ring on it' but at what cost? IMO, too many women are willing to pay a hell of a price just to be the Mrs.

Ebony Intuition said...

"But I think too many women act like having a ring is the end all/be all to their existence"

Exactly, this is an issue too that people don't bring up.

RE Ausetkmt said...


no ringy, no thingy !

Sunshyne said...

what u want aint always what u need...

u cant turn someone into what u want them to be, unless they want the same things

i had to learn this a cpl months ago, i wasnt trying to marry anyone but even in dating a lot of ppl feel like its automatically supposed to turn into a relationship, but dating is all about getting to know that other person and even though they may be fine sometimes u really dont like the person you've gotten to know so u gotta keep it movin

the same thing goes for relationships, some ppl probably feel if u stay in a relationship long enough it will eventually turn into marriage, but thats not the case, if it aint meant to be its just not, u gotta let it go


hey ladies i am already married it lasted all but 2 1/2 years. my husband and i have been apart more than together. i was ready, and i thought my husand was ready too! well her i am five years into my marriage to come to find out that what he thought he wanted was not. dont let the ring fool you. it is more to it then a ring. any man can buy a ring but it takes a man of god to be a friend, best friend, lover, supporter, and a husband and a father. i love all my black sisters. i am a 46 year old black women who would love to be married and stay married. make sure that you and your mate are on the same page. vowels are important and make sure you get married for the right reasons...

i love you beautiful black women!!

thank you for letting me share my thoughts...


Anonymous said...

If you want to get married and he doesn't, then you're not compatible. It really is that simple.

That's the truth right there, nothing else needs to be said.

DJ Diva said...

I let my husband know up front that marriage was what I was expecting. That I wasn't looking for a shack up partner or a "boyfriend". As a result, he knew the deal and was able to make the choice himself. He proposed 7 months after we met, we married about 7 months later and now we have been married for almost 2 years.

I don't regret telling him so early what I wanted...if I had done it a lot sooner...I could have avoided all the frogs i met before I got to my Prince!

CEST_CHIC said...

I couldn't agree with u more. I am constitently saying this to my female friends. I will be the first to admit that I grill guys after the 2nd or 3rd date. None of them can ever say that they did not know my expectations. After speaking with them regarding marriage and the like, if I feel as if their views don't align with mine, I cut my losses.

One thing single men must realize though is that just because u say that u want to be married, it doesn't necessarily mean that u want to marry HIM. A woman just needs to make sure that she is dating a man that has expectations that are aligned with her. One should never believe that she can "change" a man...cuz boo, u are NOT Capt. Save-A-Hoe :)

Great Post!

Anonymous said...

beyonce took a whole year.. you were just still thinking about her. ^_^

anyways.. put a ring on it? heh. easier said than done.

Brothers Blog said...

I know someone close to me in this same situation. She's with a men been with him years and keeps waiting, hoping, wanting him to marry her. Sadly as a man I can tell her out of love that it's not going to happen. A man will marry a woman when he's ready and no matter how much she thinks she can change or pursuade him to do so like you said if he's not marriage minded he won't make that move.

But I agree you need to ask up front. There have been plenty of times I've told women I've met from the beginning that I wasn't really interested in a long term relationship right away and if we progressed there then wonderful. But trust that never defered them from trying to get me there regardless of what I stated.

Anonymous said...

I'm just blessed to have a man that brings up the subject of marriage and that he wants to marry me. We've been together for 3 years and the ONLY reason why we're not married right now is because I'm in college and he's in law school and he doesn't want to get married until he knows he can support me the way he wants to. I love him so much. I hope that the women who get these good for nothing men wake up and find a man a man of God that will love her the way God instructed him too.

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