Rule # 2: Don't Interrogate Your Date
Exhibit A: Lindsay's Date With Oliver on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days
Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I've learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he's at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.
Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are a slew of questions the you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You're looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o'clock news.
Related Posts
Can I Get a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please
How To Get a Date
Showing posts with label 30 Dates in 30 Days. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 Dates in 30 Days. Show all posts
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Can I have a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please
Rule #1: Don't put Your Pussy on a Platter
Yeah you read that right. Don't put your pussy on a platter. What do I mean by that?
Exhibit A: Nicole's date with Kalik on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days
Could she seem anymore desperate? Could she have made it any clearer that she wanted to sex him then if she'd jumped on him right there in the restaurant?
Look, I'm all for a good time. And if a good time is what you're looking for then by all means, have a good time. But if you say you want a relationship, then saying to a man in words or actions "I want to fuck you," (on a first date no less) is NOT the way to go about getting one. You may get a mighty nice bedroom workout but that's about it.
Don't put your girl parts on a platter. Don't give a man the impression that he doesn't have to do any work to get you because you're already offering yourself up to be had, used and discarded. All good things are worth working for and you're a good thing. A GREAT thing.
You don't have to ask a man if he's going to clean out his closet for you. He needs to be asking YOU that question. He needs to show you that's he's willing to put in the work. Please don't think I'm knocking recreational sex or casual relationships--cause I'm not. Anybody who's read this blog long enough knows that. But I'm a firm believer in modeling the behavior of whatevr it is you're trying to achieve. And if you want a relationship THEN ACT LIKE IT. Don't get caught up in the fact that some man gets your girl parts all hot. Stay focused on what type of man he is, what you're looking for and whether he fulfills those needs or not. Believe me, if he does that, then you're girl parts will like him just fine.
Related Posts
The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It
Knowing When to Move On
Yeah you read that right. Don't put your pussy on a platter. What do I mean by that?
Exhibit A: Nicole's date with Kalik on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days
Could she seem anymore desperate? Could she have made it any clearer that she wanted to sex him then if she'd jumped on him right there in the restaurant?
Look, I'm all for a good time. And if a good time is what you're looking for then by all means, have a good time. But if you say you want a relationship, then saying to a man in words or actions "I want to fuck you," (on a first date no less) is NOT the way to go about getting one. You may get a mighty nice bedroom workout but that's about it.
Don't put your girl parts on a platter. Don't give a man the impression that he doesn't have to do any work to get you because you're already offering yourself up to be had, used and discarded. All good things are worth working for and you're a good thing. A GREAT thing.
You don't have to ask a man if he's going to clean out his closet for you. He needs to be asking YOU that question. He needs to show you that's he's willing to put in the work. Please don't think I'm knocking recreational sex or casual relationships--cause I'm not. Anybody who's read this blog long enough knows that. But I'm a firm believer in modeling the behavior of whatevr it is you're trying to achieve. And if you want a relationship THEN ACT LIKE IT. Don't get caught up in the fact that some man gets your girl parts all hot. Stay focused on what type of man he is, what you're looking for and whether he fulfills those needs or not. Believe me, if he does that, then you're girl parts will like him just fine.
Related Posts
The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It
Knowing When to Move On
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates
Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn't have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.
So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.
How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I'm a busy person I don't have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn't work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here's how it works:
Take a typical Saturday. I'll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we've spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.
It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.
Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It's just not for women on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.
Next: Black male shortage and what to do about it
So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.
How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I'm a busy person I don't have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn't work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here's how it works:
Take a typical Saturday. I'll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we've spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.
It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.
Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It's just not for women on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.
Next: Black male shortage and what to do about it
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2
I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.
As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.
First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:
1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?
2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.
3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.
4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?
As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.
First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:
1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?
2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.
3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.
4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?
Knowing When to Move On
Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn't be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date. Now I'm going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that's knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the differnce between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.
The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.
Yeah.
Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Did you get that?
If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.
Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.
You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.
SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."
You leave him.
You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.
Period.
The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.
Yeah.
Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Did you get that?
If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.
Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.
You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.
SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."
You leave him.
You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.
Period.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Fallacy of Chemistry
So I've been watching Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won't comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, "Black women are so desperate and they can't think of anyting else but how to get a man," message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we're doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.
The first mistake I see being made by the women who've completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry
On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn't have it with that guy. And the women were using, "Chemistry" to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.
Bad idea.
Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you're quick to dismiss a guy because you didn't get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.
AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn't mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he's offering is truly what you want and need. You can't base a decision on who to get involved with simply on "He makes me feel all tingly inside." To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.
Next: Knowing when to move on
The first mistake I see being made by the women who've completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry
On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn't have it with that guy. And the women were using, "Chemistry" to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.
Bad idea.
Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you're quick to dismiss a guy because you didn't get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.
AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn't mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he's offering is truly what you want and need. You can't base a decision on who to get involved with simply on "He makes me feel all tingly inside." To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.
Next: Knowing when to move on
Monday, October 08, 2007
How To Get a Date
I'm really beginning to think that many a Black woman is clueless on how to get a date. And I don't really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could have a date tonight if I wanted one.
If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren't getting one, my guess is you're doing 1 of 4 things:
1. Always with other women
2. Not going out where the men are
3. Not going on a date because he doesn't fit your ideal of "The One"
4. Not making the most of opportunities
The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you're ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:
1. When you're out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you're at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you're going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you're going to be sitting around all night asking, "Where the men at?"
2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won't look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It's not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you're looking for.
The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.
So if you're constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they're no men then it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.
Now before you say, "But JJ I don't know where to go." I'd say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you'd be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you'll know where to go.
The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you're turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don't fit your ideal of "The One."
We've all heard the saying 'You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince." Well, I'm saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you're turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they're not 6'1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don't have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.
From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you'd initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you'd usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don't want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.
The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you're a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You're probably meeting available men all of the time. But you're not taking the time to notice because you're so caught up in what you're doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.
Next: Volume Dating
If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren't getting one, my guess is you're doing 1 of 4 things:
1. Always with other women
2. Not going out where the men are
3. Not going on a date because he doesn't fit your ideal of "The One"
4. Not making the most of opportunities
The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you're ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:
1. When you're out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you're at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you're going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you're going to be sitting around all night asking, "Where the men at?"
2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won't look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It's not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you're looking for.
The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.
So if you're constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they're no men then it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.
Now before you say, "But JJ I don't know where to go." I'd say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you'd be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you'll know where to go.
The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you're turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don't fit your ideal of "The One."
We've all heard the saying 'You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince." Well, I'm saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you're turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they're not 6'1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don't have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.
From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you'd initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you'd usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don't want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.
The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you're a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You're probably meeting available men all of the time. But you're not taking the time to notice because you're so caught up in what you're doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.
Next: Volume Dating
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