Thursday, October 11, 2007

Knowing When to Move On

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn't be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date. Now I'm going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that's knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the differnce between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.


Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.

You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.



Shelly said...

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

Anyway, thanks for watching, I go on my third date tonight... the second was also a bust. I’m about to watch the video and blog about it soon. What a ride!

JJ said...

I respectfully disagree. And what I wrote was specifically for women who want to be married.

I'm happy for your friend but that is an anomaly. Women spend their best years with men, hoping, praying, wishing, he'll propose.

Why would you put your future in someone else's hands?

That's doesn't make sense and you shouldn't.

vanillacola said...

I would have to disagree with this article- Honestly in this day and age- dating someone or being with someone for a year and a half does not constitute a marriage proposal. Relationships take time to build and on the contrare- I believe that women soemtimes move too fast and automatically have these time lines in their heads that do nothing but force them to live their lives according to other peoples standards. I do think that if you are with someone and the relationship has become stagnant that there is an issue. no way shape or form do I agree with the year and a half rule.I would rather take more time to get to know my partner and have a marriage or a relationship that is happily ever after rather than to have it ended in divorce because I didn't take the time to fully get to know my partner...a year and a half jdut doesn't cut it for me...personally.

JJ said...

What more are you going to learn about person that u don't already know in a year/year in a half?

I mean really? And lets be real men know if they want to marry you or not. They don't need 3 years to figure that out...

If you don't think you want to marry someone after being with them a year + then you don't want to marry them.

Now if you're not looking to marry and want to have a nice relationship feel free...

Anonymous said...

wow this is clearly why the divorce rate is so high. People putting time lines on when a marriage should occur. a year and a half is nothing. you can go a whole year and not know how your partner may handle certain situations because maybe within that time fram those situations have not yet arose. also most people know in a relationship the first half is all about impressing the other and to some extent there is a fascade. A lot of woman want to be married and a lot of men want to be married but alot of people do not know what it takes to keep a marriage together. marriage is more than exchanging vows and rings. Marriage and a dating relationship is also different and just because you are with someone for a year and a half does not mean that its time to move on to that level. oh yea and I respectfully disagree...Im a loyal fan and love your blog lol

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you!!!
And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

And by the way I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

JJ said...


I now a lot of women like that. Who just wait these men out and when he finally proposes everyone acts like it's such an accomplishment and PROOF that you should just "wait a man out" to get the "prize."

But like you said most of these relationships (marriages) don't so that well. There were obviously reasons why he didn't propose to begin with. Ignoring that face is always a recipe for disaster.

Anonymous said...

I agree with JJ - a man doesn't need years and years to come to realize that the woman he has dated year after year is the woman he wants to marry. Women need to wake up! These men have them on layaway until something better comes along. They will use every excuse in the book, trust me. But, when he knows your value, he won't want to string you along...who carries a $100 bill in their pocket for years and never use it? This ain't malebashing either~ the man can't do it unless the women don't acknowledge their value as well. In the case of the couple that dated for 10 years and then got married, I say, to each his own...but I'd be damned if I'm gonna play house for 10 years, what the hell is that about?..that's part of the problem...a man is not gonna propose if you're playing wifey without the ring! C'mon he's reaping the benefits while you're busy being a bridesmaid!

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