Tuesday, August 12, 2008

There are Men You Date and There are Men You Marry

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Well the same applies to men. There are men you date and there are men you marry or, put another way, you can't turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By "hustler" I don't mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don't have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, "I can change him," or "Love will conquer all." Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at "Happily Ever After."

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don't have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, "love him" then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can't make him ready, that's something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you're with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren't what you need them to be then you know he's a man you date, not one you marry.

Related Posts
Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy
Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On
Ladies Stop Playing Wife If Your Man is Not Playing Husband

13 comments:

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Hi JJ. I enjoyed this post and your related previous one, How To Wear A Man Down. They are very on point.

One of the problems with a young relationship is the two of you haven't learned if you'll be able to full-fill each other's needs.

As for you other post, I've known lots of women who used that strategy to wear a man down. Most of them ended up wasting an awful lot of time. The worse case was one who chased and waited for my father for 50 YEARS. She never did get him.

Come on by my site. I've been doing a series called Hard Rocks Love that ties into this. The latest is Treachery & Toxic Secrets. I think you'll enjoy it.

ingridspeak said...

AMEN. This topic is making its rounds on the net and I think its about time the we ladies start listening.

Gangstarr Girl said...

Yeah, the biggest mistake women make is thinking they can change a man. I've been there, and I see so many women go through it. I have a friend who knows for a fact that she's not compatible with her man yet she's trying to force it but she's always miserable. Plus, dude is a jackass anyway! I guess people just have to learn on their own (and some never do).

Gangstarr Girl

shelia said...

"I can change him"

You can't change a grown man. If he was cheating before you said "I Do" he is going to cheat after the wedding. We have to accept the man at face value. You get what you get and don't expect more or you will be disappointed.

Rahsheen said...

I like this post. Most women won't listen when a guy says these things. They think he's a hater.

Men grow up. Some of them mature. Some of those are ready for marriage.

The rest will never change.

ShAĆ© - ShAĆ© said...

On the flip side, I think some people need not overlook what a man is telling them. If he is out all night and won't tell you where he's been or doesn't want you around with him in public, he's telling you he's not marriage material. Some people need to stop turning the other way & pay attention.

Great post.

ed said...

When I was young, I knew a female who was all into those romantic novels and she expect that was how relationships were to be. Her life was a relationship wreck and I just shake my head because I knew those books did it to her.

If I'm correct, these books featured some 'cowboy' or whatever out there rustling cattle and the 'feminine' makes the man a family man and that was the end of the book, happily ever after. They rarely go into the actual marriage part..

I'm glad to hear someone out there de-programming and debunking these myths that destroy relationships and happiness.

Ebony Intuition said...

"And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, "love him" then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can't make him ready, that's something he has to do on his own."


AMEN SISTA...

I hear this all the time in every type of relationship and its so damn annoying.

Great post

Babette said...

Very true! My girlfriend needs to read this post. She wants to be married but keeps on dating men who are not into marriage.

yes said...

i agree a lot of women live in a dream world and think because they get along with a man that its time to get married when they havent even asked them all the important wuestions

Dallas Black said...

All good points...being known as "husband material" in college thought doesn't do anything for a young boys sex life. I think women know whether they are dating a toy or a brotha down to take the kids to school whether they admit it or not. Yes we can be misleading as I have so it is a two way street. I guess it all boils down to communication...I have learned just to be dead honest how I feel and flow with it...whether I end up wearing a glass of wine for telling the truth or provided with a warm dish of blackberry cobbler you got to just be honest...

holla at ya boy
Dallas Black
thirtyhood.blogspot.com

Kim C. said...

"There are Men You Date and There are Men You Marry"

the only problem is women need to not even date or continue to date the brotha when they find out he's not about that business

whenever a man and woman come together, spending time together, sharing romantic exchanges with one another, feelings of 'love' blossom. this in turn has it's way of literally entangling one's emotions and feelings into the relationship. then, by the time the woman is really ready to call it quits for good (w/ the same brotha she initially was just 'kicking it with'), she's looking at 5, 10 years gone out of her life & often a couple of kidz wasted on some b/s

it happens too much ya'll

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there!

I was just stopping by to see all the work you are doing over here at your blog!

(smiles)
Lisa