Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Note to Men: Stop Chasing Women You Can't Afford

I have a pet peeve.

Men who believe that they should have a "dime" yet only amount to a nickel themselves and then these same men sit around and call all women gold diggers and complain how women won't "give a good brother a try."

See, the problem with this scenario is this: too many men believe a woman should lower her standards (whatever they may be) to be with them. This is especially true if the man doing the complaining is gainfully employed, college educated, has no kids and Black, but may not be bringing in doctor, lawyer, athlete, mogul money.

Now in fairness, all these men aren't "nickels," some are actually very good catches, but because they want the tens and twelves they aren't paying attention to the sevens and eights.

Case in point:

I have a friend who I love dearly but he's stuck in this land where he believes he should have a Beyonce or Halle Berry even though he isn't Jay-Z or Gabriel Aubrey. Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren't his "physical ideal."

He wants drop dead gorgeous.

Finally one day I said, "Stop going after women you can't afford."

He didn't like that too much.

Then he proceeded to rant and rave about how women in New York won't give a brother a shot and they only care about how much he makes, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, me being the loving friend that I am, pointed out some very basic truths on how the world works,

"Beauty is a commodity. Women trade on it to marry the biggest fish they can catch. Women who spend their time and energy maintaining their looks are looking for someone who can afford to keep up their very expensive beauty regime. That shit ain't cheap. No matter how great a guy you are, you can't do that. SO why don't you stop beating your head up against a brick wall and go after the woman you can afford and the ones who like you for who you are right now?"

He didn't hear any of that.

Well he did, but he didn't want to hear it.

Instead he talked about how he was going to hold out for his "ideal."

You can guess how well that's working for him.

And this is my problem with so many men I know: these men believe they are entitled to extraordinary women while being rather ordinary themselves and then want to complain about it, saying it's the woman's fault for not being able to see their value.

Right.

Newsflash:
instead of calling the women you can't afford golddiggers...how about you do what it takes to get the woman of your dreams...or date the women you can afford. This is not rocket science.

While there are plenty of men out there who don't get it, there are others who do. Another homeboy of mine had a completely different take on the situation.

"I'm going to be rich and famous so I can date groupies," he said.

"Why would you want to date groupies?"

"Because they are the best looking women out there. They keep themselves up because they are looking for ballers. You don't have to worry about them getting fat 'cause they know they can be replaced and they will cater to all your needs 'cause they know if they don't you will find someone who will."

"Okay," I said, "Makes sense."

And it did.

Now you may think my homeboy is shallow, and that's fine, I do too, but at least he's not sitting around complaining that the hot girls he wants don't want him and won't give a broke college student a chance though he is a "good brotha."

He understands something very basic: If you want the hot girl, you need to have hot girl money.

Simple.

So note to the fellas: Stop chasing women you can't afford. You want the dimes you need to have dime money. If you don't, there are plenty of attractive women who will want you for where you are right now. You don't do yourself any favors by chasing some unattainable ideal. And in the end, you keep passing up perfectly good women for some chick who isn't gonna pay you any attention...you will end up alone.

Take a cue from the ladies: women know where they fall on the attractiveness scale and they act acordingly.

Just a thought.

24 comments:

Mystery Man said...

very intersting post. in my single (and younger) days, I was looking for the perfect 10s. As I got older, I just looked for the right woman. Someone who I enjoyedb eing with and shared intersts with. THat being said, I still appreciate looking at the beauty of Halle Berry, Beyonce, Sanaa Lathan, etc. Nothing wrong wih looking, but I go home to beauty and personality that I want to be with.

Maybe I'm the only guy who's like that, though.

Mystery Man said...

very intersting post. in my single (and younger) days, I was looking for the perfect 10s. As I got older, I just looked for the right woman. Someone who I enjoyedb eing with and shared intersts with. THat being said, I still appreciate looking at the beauty of Halle Berry, Beyonce, Sanaa Lathan, etc. Nothing wrong wih looking, but I go home to beauty and personality that I want to be with.

Maybe I'm the only guy who's like that, though.

Nasir Aleem said...

I don't think there is a woman that I can't afford. The problem comes when men approach women with their wallet, AMEX card, or a big knot of bills in their hand from jump street. Now that is what is expected. While there are professional groupies, golddiggers, and all of that, I have NEVER had a issue with meeting drop dead gorgeous women and it wasn't about a dollar sign. The energy that you put out definitely assists in the process. If your claim to fame is how much money you have, how can you expect a woman to give a damn about YOU as a man. Obviously, I'm not speaking about the chicks who stalk celebrity-laced events looking exclusively for the jackpot; I'm talking about everyday people. My claim to fame is that I am a good man with alot of positive things going for myself and it works. I get the "dimes" and all of that with no headaches. Golddiggers need not apply....LOL

Sydni said...

As an attractive woman with alot going for myself, I agree with this somewhat. I am single, not because i cant find a man that can afford me, but because they simply arent on my level, and they quickly become intimidated when they find out how "expensive" I really am. Im not looking for a man to support me, i can do that, but there's a certain lifestyle that I'm used to. But what i wont do is pay for dates and vacations simply because he cant afford to go. And thats when my relationships go south. Money isnt everything, but it sure helps things along

Sydni said...

And I'm also so freakin sick of men with nothing going for themselves but a big dick, and they think thats enough for a woman like me...

President Anthony Taurus said...

My only question is: Why are men being singled out here? Women do that silly shit as well. However, there's a difference.

Men KNOW they aren't dimes themselves. We accept that. In fact, some of us embrace our "not-so-ten-ness" lol. But, we strive for the best to a fault of course.

On the other hand, I think women do a good job looking for someone on their level. However, too many women overstate their worth/value, inflating their level, which has them looking for men out of their league.

jayfingers said...

You and I are going to fight.

To say that we so-called ordinary men are chasing so-called extraordinary women is just insulting, and the crux of the problem.

Why are we ordinary?? Especially given your assessment that we may still be attractive, funny and talented? What is that missing component that would make us extraordinary and worthy of women "equal" stature??

Oh, that's right. Money. Hence, the title of your post.

If a woman regards me as being ordinary, she's not the one I should be chasing anyway. Such sentiments would only make me think that she's felt she's "settled," and that doesn't bode well for a budding relationship. Hell, I know I am not going to settle.

I want what I want. Just like you want what you want.

SMH @ you, sister. SMH. Golddigger, haha.

clnmike said...

Funny post, women always say they refuse to settle, why should men settle?

coco said...

Well some ladies do consider themselves dimes, when really they aint all that either...what really qualifies as "dime status"? Looks alone aint gonna cut it, cuz i have friends that are drop dead gorgeous with bangin bodies, and they can't even keep a man...something is wrong here, people.

A said...

This was plain old funny to me. I think its sound advice.

Bryan Wilhite said...

I have these strange memories of drop-dead gorgeous women who lived in huts with dirt floors with a beauty regimen that had a price tag of $0.

I just know there are are super-fine, international Black yoga teachers who are not that high maintenance.

Now you want to talk about corn-fed, domesticated 'merican sisters? I don't care how little money they make; many of them are still too expensive for me.

JJ said...

Who said anything about settling?

But constantly chasing women who's standards you don't fit, for whatever reason, is plain silly.

Either acquire the standards or get women whose standards you fit.

Simple.

And all the whining about "sistas won't give a good brother a try," pish posh.

Why does a chick have to lower her standards (even monetary ones) to give a cat a try?

There are plenty of gorgeous women that don't fall into that high maintenance - must make six figures to get my number-category.

Grab one.

JJ said...

Dime is left up to interpretation.

To different folk it means different things.

For the purpose of this post it's a highly attractive, well kept woman who has a requirement of a certain level of monetary success (among other things) from the men they date.

Ebony Intuition said...

So true I agree.

drbopperthp said...

The Doctor makes "dime" money - hell, The Doctor makes double-dime money and has had numerous dimes (d-y-m-e preferred spelling) in his lover's change purse over the years. The ones that were "dimes" in spirit and not just physical beauty still hold a special place in my heart. The ones that were just trading on their physical beauty for The Doctor's hard earned scrilla weren't worth... - well, they weren't worth a goddamn dime!!

jayfingers said...

You ask: "Who said anything about settling?"

It's implied. Don't go after you who want, go after who you can get. That's quite the defeatist attitude.

I'll say it again. I want what I want. Pursuing anything else is, in effect, settling.

If you want a Mercedes but you purchase a used Datsun, you're settling. If you wanted a steak but you order chicken tenders, you're settling. If you want Grey Goose but you get Skol, you're settling.

Regardless of your circumstances, if you must choose something other than what you want, you are settling for something you would not have otherwise chosen. And when you don't get what you want, you're going to be unhappy.

As I stated before, settling does not bode well for a budding relationship, I don't care how swell your "consolation prize" is. I believe it was the insightful Chris Rock who said, and I'm paraphrasing, that "the number one reason a [person] is pissed off is because the [person they're] with is not [their] first choice."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Now do you see why some of us view it as settling? Good, glad that's cleared up. :)

And yes, I recognize there are "plenty of gorgeous women" who don't fit the stereotypical golddigger category. So trust, if I do come across one -- and if she fits my criteria, she's my first choice -- I will go for it.

clnmike said...

"Why does a chick have to lower her standards (even monetary ones) to give a cat a try?"

WTH???

Maybe because she is not deserving of the high standards she set, kind of like the guys you just talked about in this post.

What kind of double standard BS is that?

CW said...

This is sooo true JJ! There are plenty of guys who live by "waiting for the next bus to pull in", instead of making the most of what they have...By time these factions decide to get real, most would have missed their prime years to enjoy that special someone...

CW said...

...And what happens when his ideal is no longer that due to childbirth, illness, or an accident?

A point 2 ponder


"Now mind you he is attractive, funny and talented and even though he was recently laid off (company relocated to Canada) he still has women, plenty of attractive, successful women who are looking to spend time with him, understand his situation and would have zero issues being his lady.

However, he always declines.

He says they aren't his "physical ideal."

He wants drop dead gorgeous.
"

JJ said...

@Clnmike

What double standard?

I was very clear on the type of woman I was talking about. One who has the beauty and the maintenance to command the attention of wealthy men.

We all know beauty is a commodity and women trade on it to move up the food chain so to speak.

If a chick is overweight, not that attractive and crass and she was hollerin' how she deserved a baller and how she was holding out until she got one b/c she didn't want to "settle" I'd tell her the same things.

If you want that type of woman then u need to get your paper right...or find someone else...but don't complain 'cause she doesn't want you. Why does she have to want you?

If you read the article I linked ot in the post then you know women, in general, choose men based on their level of attractiveness...men just go for the hot girl, whether they are hot girl material or not.

Adwoa said...

You see that is what the problem a lot of people men and woman face they bargain for life on such a small scale. Your friend is looking for a dime but is probably surronded by dollars, twenties, and fifties. The only reason men talk like that is because they are broke and once they make it a see the groupie love for what it really is -a waste of time business transaction that comes with the possiblity of a fatal std- they go on media interviews and complain to their friends how they just want a women with substance. A lot on Black men in particular can't see the forest for the trees. Love is what you make it and why would a person purposly chase lower than they currently have?

ImitationAngel said...

Interesting and funny. You made some good points.

Your friend complains about women in NY only being interested in money when all he's interested in is beauty. Did he see anything wrong with that? That's really hypocritical of him.

To only be looking for a girl with good looks is going to lead to failure in the long run. When you look at society's view on beauty, it doesn't last forever. All that tight skin becomes loose, that perky chest sags, and then you have to deal with wrinkles.

It's perfectly normal to seek certain traits in potential mate but looking for unrealistic things are not going to guarantee happiness.

Blog Tactic said...

Getting girls with money only have temporarily effect.

Prosechild said...

I know my comment is way after the fact, but I just wrote a very similar post. CW pointed me your way. Needless to say that I totally agree with all your points!