Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Quote of the Day

We do not see first and then define; we define first and then see.
- Walter Lippman

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Get a Life


Rule #4: Get a Life

Get a Life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women sit and complain that they can never meet a man but when you question them further you realize that all they do everyday is go home, go to work and go to church.

Newsflash: You're a grown ass woman. You need to do more then go to work, go home and go to church.

And how the hell do you expect to meet somebody if you're not out there...well...meeting people. And when I say get a life I don't mean go to your local nightclub or watering hole, I mean take up some activities. Try dancing, intramural sports or volunteer to sit on a committee that's planning on putting on a big event (church committees don't count)...something.

Not only will you enrich your life by getting involved in your community or picking up a new hobby but you will increase your chances of not only meeting someone but meeting someone who shares similar interests as you. How great would that be.

So once again I say....Get a Life. Not only might you find something you can be passionate about you may find someone you can be passionate about. And in the end that's what it's all about...wouldn't you say.


Related Posts
How to Get a Date

Quote of the Day

Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which its loveliness arises.
- Pedro Calderon de la Barca

For the Broken Hearted Out There

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Quote of the Day

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

Looks Don't Matter...But Really They Do


A German study shows what we all know but what we rarely want to admit.

Science is confirming what most women know: When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks.

And guys won't be surprised to learn that women are much choosier about partners than they are.

"Just because people say they're looking for a particular set of characteristics in a mate, someone like themselves, doesn't mean that is what they'll end up choosing," Peter M. Todd, of the cognitive science program at Indiana University, Bloomington, said in a telephone interview.


The study goes on to say that women are much choosier about their mates and very aware of their attractiveness and how it relates to their choices in men.

Women's actual choices, like men's, did not reflect their stated preferences, but they made more discriminating choices, the researchers found.

The scientists said women were aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men, and adjusted their expectations to select the more desirable guys.

"Women made offers to men who had overall qualities that were on a par with the women's self-rated attractiveness. They didn't greatly overshoot their attractiveness," Todd said, "because part of the goal for women is to choose men who would stay with them."

But, he added, "they didn't go lower. They knew what they could get and aimed for that level."


To read the rest of the article click in the sidebar under "Articles." How does this study pertain to Black women? Well, if you're smart you'd take what it says to heart and act accordingly. I know that sounds a little harsh but it is what it is.

This isn't the only study that confirms something we all know but don't want to admit: Looks matter and no amount of wishing otherwise is going to change that. So what do I suggest?

1. 50 - 60% of Black women are overweight or obese. If I fell into that category (and I do) I do what it takes to get fit and healthy.

2. Always look your best when you're out. You never know who you're gonna meet. Instead of going out in those old sewats and raggedy t-shirts with the poorly done pony tail try the cute sweatsuit, sleek ponytail and a touch of lip gloss. Yeah it sounds 1950-ish but last I checked they actually got married back then.

3. Take care of yourself. That includes steps 1 and 2 but it also means finding time to relax, de-stress, making sure you're healthy, going for your check ups, facials, manis, pedis (if you can afford them, if not do it yourself) and just all around doing what you can to make sure you're as physically attractive to the opposite sex as possible.


Remember you can be right or you can win. Wanting someone to love you for your insides is great. But they'll never get to know you if your outside isn't what it should be.



Signs are Everywhere


Rule #3: Pay attention to the signs and act accordingly.

About a year ago I met a guy at a night club. It was really dark so I didn't really know what he looked like but I new he was short, dark and had a nice body. Anyway he asks for my number and I'm like, "what the heck."

Fast forward about a month and I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. i answer and it's the guy from the club. He says he was going through his phone, saw the number and decided to call before he deleted it. So we talk for about an hour and have a FABULOUS conversation. This pops off two months of dating. But almost immediately I recognize something isn't right.

Dude has fly clothes, a fly ride, made it rain in the club and ALWAYS drank top shelf, just basically spent money like it was going out of style....with no job. Yeah he was a student and he could have been living off of financial aid (his dad provided no support) but he ws driving a 2007 Charger fully loaded. Things didn't add up. Add to that that anytime I asked him about work he got real mum. He was very open abut everything else but that.

So while we had a god time things never went anywhere. We hung out but I never let it go further then that because I figured dude was dealing or doing something illegal for him to be living the big life as a (broke) jobless college student.

I could have easily overlooked that and just paid attention to the fact that we had a great time together and he was an IBM (ideal Black Man): Fine, college educated, single and no kids. And then acted all shocked and amazed when down the line I find out he's dealing or up to other shady activities.


This is what I mean when I say, "Signs are everywhere and to act accordingly." It's so easy to overlook OBVIOUS signs that a person or a relationship isn't right for you. Women, especially Black women, can be so happy to have a man or to have found their ideal man that they overlook what should be red flags about who a person is and how they relate to you.

Don't overlook the signs...good or bad...because ultimately not paying attention to the obvious can cost you dearly.


Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move on Pt. 2

Friday, October 19, 2007

Quote of the Day

I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it.
- Sidney Shaw, Brown Sugar (2004)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's a Date not an Inquisition

Rule # 2: Don't Interrogate Your Date

Exhibit A: Lindsay's Date With Oliver on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days

Okay. I can be guilty of this one from time to time but I've learned to get the information I need without the guy feeling like he's at the inquisition. Lindsay BADGERED this guy. LOL. She was in your face, overly aggressive, bordering on rude. She kept interrupting him. She made a lot of snide remarks. It was TOTALLY uncalled for.

Yes, you need to know things about a man. And yes there are a slew of questions the you should ask a guy on a first date (more on that later) but there is a certain finesse involved that she totally missed. You should let the conversation flow naturally. Give him a chance to ask you questions. Laugh. Flirt. Be playful. You're looking for love. Not a story to make the 11 o'clock news.

Related Posts
Can I Get a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please
How To Get a Date

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Quote of the Day

What law, what reason can deny that gift so sweet, so natural that God has given a stream, a fish, a beast, a bird?
- Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Can I have a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please

Rule #1: Don't put Your Pussy on a Platter

Yeah you read that right. Don't put your pussy on a platter. What do I mean by that?

Exhibit A: Nicole's date with Kalik on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days

Could she seem anymore desperate? Could she have made it any clearer that she wanted to sex him then if she'd jumped on him right there in the restaurant?

Look, I'm all for a good time. And if a good time is what you're looking for then by all means, have a good time. But if you say you want a relationship, then saying to a man in words or actions "I want to fuck you," (on a first date no less) is NOT the way to go about getting one. You may get a mighty nice bedroom workout but that's about it.

Don't put your girl parts on a platter. Don't give a man the impression that he doesn't have to do any work to get you because you're already offering yourself up to be had, used and discarded. All good things are worth working for and you're a good thing. A GREAT thing.

You don't have to ask a man if he's going to clean out his closet for you. He needs to be asking YOU that question. He needs to show you that's he's willing to put in the work. Please don't think I'm knocking recreational sex or casual relationships--cause I'm not. Anybody who's read this blog long enough knows that. But I'm a firm believer in modeling the behavior of whatevr it is you're trying to achieve. And if you want a relationship THEN ACT LIKE IT. Don't get caught up in the fact that some man gets your girl parts all hot. Stay focused on what type of man he is, what you're looking for and whether he fulfills those needs or not. Believe me, if he does that, then you're girl parts will like him just fine.

Related Posts
The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It
Knowing When to Move On

The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It

So there's a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn't news. It's so not news that I'm not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I'm sure, if you're reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC's.

So the question isn't why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you're on the wrong blog. If it's the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

1. Date the men who are available to you
2. Know the difference between what you want and want you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you're saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you're constantly saying, "Oh no. Only a Brother for me." Well, my guess is you'll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available I don't mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you're looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don't think you're gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you're a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca....don't knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that's an option) then you need to look at the men you meet everyday as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you're looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter 'till all that's required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can't live without? Saying you want a man who is 6'1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can't help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don't compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you're looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you're not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don't sit around and buy into the message that because you're Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don't end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

Related Posts
How to get a Date
The Fallacy of Chemistry

Quote of the Day

I"m the only one doing all the chores 'round here.
- My 3 year old daughter to her grandmother over being told to pick up the blocks

Monday, October 15, 2007

Tiny Also Arrested?

Bossip is reporting that Tiny, T.I.'s longterm girlfriend and baby mama, was also arrested this weekend on drug charges. They are also saying that T.I. had gotten into a big fight at Body Tap, a local strip club, the night before.

Maybe the guns were to "settle" the previous nights dispute. SMH. It just gets more and more interesting. I guess the fact that they have 50 ids between them never crossed their minds huh?

The Plot Thickens: T.I.'s Bodyguard Rats Him Out


The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 10/14/07

Hours before hip-hop music's biggest night, one of the industry's hottest acts was arrested by federal agents for allegedly buying machine guns.

Atlanta rapper T.I., whose given name is Clifford Harris Jr., was in federal custody Saturday night in his hometown. His arrest came at 2:30 p.m. Saturday, four hours before the BET Hip-Hop Awards show got under way downtown.

Harris, 27, was charged with two felonies —- possession of three unregistered machine guns and two silencers, and possession of firearms by a convicted felon. The arrest was made in the parking lot of a downtown shopping center, which a witness identified as the Walgreens drug store at the corner of North and Piedmont avenues.

Harris was arrested after allegedly trying to purchase the guns from a "cooperating witness" with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

"This investigation developed very quickly," Vanessa McLemore, an ATF special agent, said in a statement Saturday night. "We learned only this Wednesday that the cooperating witness was allegedly buying the machine guns for Harris. The cooperating witness told Harris on Thursday that he had obtained the items, and on Friday, Harris made it clear that he wanted them delivered to him [Saturday]. Harris then agreed to meet and took possession of the machine guns [Saturday] afternoon." Click to Continue


What the hell? Dude gets arrested on Federal gun charges and he starts singing like a canary? I don't understand. Folk don't think far ahead. And where the hell was he buying these guns at anyway? Geez. This is going to be interesting. We'll see how it plays out. This isn't my normal fair but I'll definitely keep you posted.

What was he Thinking? T.I. Get's Aresseted on Gun Charges


ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN)
-- Rapper T.I. was arrested on federal gun charges just hours before he was scheduled to perform at the BET Hip Hop Awards, according to federal authorities.

The entertainer, whose real name is Clifford Harris, was arrested in a federal sting Saturday after his bodyguard-turned-informant delivered three machine guns and two silencers to the hip-hop star, according to a Justice Department statement.

Authorities said that Harris, 27, provided the bodyguard $12,000 to buy the weapons, which Harris is not allowed to own because he is a convicted felon. Court documents said Harris was convicted on felony drug charges in 1998, and a federal affidavit said he has been arrested on gun charges in the past.

However, one of his attorneys, Dwight Thomas, said Sunday he was not aware Harris was a convicted felon and that "a number of people" live in Harris' suburban Atlanta home. Thomas added there were "two sides to every story -- sometimes three" and he was confident the legal system would work in Harris' favor. Click to Continue


Two machine guns and three silencers? WTF? He palnning a raid or something? Got some niggas to kill? I expect more from Mr. Clifford Harris. He's not a dumb man. So what the hell was he thinking? And who the hell ratted him out?

Quote of the Day

As an African, I am already "perfect" in the eyes of GOD (who is also black and came from my black pussy--because there was no where else to come from).
- Kola Boof

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Kola Boof. Speaking Truth to Power

I'm reposting this from ClassicalOne's blog. This was written by the amazing Kola Boof in response to a comment that was made on Clasical's blog awhile back. I don't have anything to say about it. It speaks for itself. And Kola Boof has officially become my shero. LOL. Enjoy. I know did.

It was recently brought to my attention by a few people at your Blog entitled "White Men Who Prefer Black Women" that a man named "Marc" had posted the following remarks about me:

"Man, I know this is going to sound weird, but I always found Kola Boof hot, even
though she hates white folks. Isn't that bizarre?"

Marc

_____

Kola Boof continues:
It's quite obvious that Marc has never read my autobiography "Diary of a Lost Girl", which was quite comprehensive in charting my sex/romantic life and the myriad relationships I've had--quite a few being with White Men, and in fact, one of those relationships (with Efrem Nelkin) lasting five years and being quite crucial in my development as it was Efrem who made me accept myself and love my blackness.

But what bothered me about Mark's comments was his assertion that I "hate white folks"--which is a glaring non-truth, and something that is almost always applied to any Black Person who is actively for the uplifting of black people and who does not want to become white and recognizes that this a White Supremacist society that "pities" blackness and is set up systematically to erase blackness and to erase black people.

Having clarity to see ones own predicament--doesn't mean that one hates white people.

In America, the withstanding "ritual belief" of the very structure of this society is that Blacks should morph into/become "mulattos".

Of course being a Half Egyptian, Half Sudanese woman from North Africa...I already know what happens to Mulattos after they "morph" out of blackness--they find that it's even worse being "mixed", they become depressed and bitter over the emotional disconnection from their original people, and in their desperation to become even whiter, they end up creating a new unhappy race--Gypsies, Arabs, etc.

My point being....I have nothing whatsoever against "White" people, not their existense, their place in humanity, their type of beauty and certainly not being friends with or having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

But I don't set aside my own identity, my own beauty...to placcate white people.

I prefer my own race and my own men.

I also love my chocolate skin and my African hair and it was required by me that my children possess those traits, because...I could not live, as a black person in this world, and not bring black children (or the image of my ancestors) back into this world.

When my former "white boyfriends" went off to do the same (produce white children), I understood completely and I was glad they did, because it completed their naturalness for them.

Perhaps Marc's naturalness is to produce "mixed" children. That's good, as well, but that's not what I would have been happy with.

I chose and loved my children's father--a black man from Belize--and we had 10 good years together that have now ended.

Today my sons are here...and I am content and feel that Africa will go on through my sons.

But will I be with a Black Man?

I have no idea.

I live in California, a high rate "interracial" mecca where Black men overwhelmingly not only prefer other races of women, but are openly prejudiced, spiteful and dishonest towards black women.

I am a "dark skinned" black woman in their eyes with "nappy hair"---so to most of the black men here (men who were born from women who look like me), I am invisible.

As well as that, the media consistently uncovers the proof that most black men in the world--once they are successful in life--believe that the ultimate Status Symbol is to choose and love a woman whose genetics are as far from Africa as humanly possible. Across the board, high profile black men marry Non-black women and have no problem setting this example or this image for little black boys.

Like so many African women, this causes me to feel greatly "betrayed" by Black men and to not trust them.

Even worse--it causes me to lose respect for them, because the "numbers" of interracial pairings are not natural and are quite obviously--not about love.

Instead of interracial "love"---what we actually have is an "epidemic" of black self-hate (and white people's legendary naivete and ignorance) as these (*majority) Black Men endeavor to set aside their conks and redbones and just BREED their way out of blackness, MARRY their way out of blackness, ERASE themselves and all that they hate--which is each other.

No one...can tell me that I am wrong.

And...it doesn't matter what small percentage is "really in love"--it makes no difference whatsoever--because the fact remains, "blacks" are willing to live their entire lives without seeing black children be born. They're willing to marry mates who are "Lower quality" than the pool of Blacks they could have chosen from (whiteness, after all, trumps everything in a Eurocentric world), they are willing to "lie on" black women and willing to create Media (BET) where the message is constantly---"become a mulatto, it's better to be mixed, aquire 'good hair'".

These messages are constant in every type of black media that is created in this nation---BY BLACKS.

So this is not "love" we're seeing in American society, it's actually "hate" and "shame"----otherwise----the numbers would be much smaller and their would be no hostility expressed against one's own race.

I know that I am right.

And this is why, although I would prefer to love and grow old with a Black Man, it may not be possible.

I may very well find myself married to a White man or a Latino, a mulatto...or even an Arab. I honestly do not know.

But I do feel "disconnected" from Black Men as a group. I feel that I have been betrayed, disrespected and lied on by Black men as a group and I feel that Black men (the majority in the U.S.) are "white supremacists" with black skin---because almost everyone in this nation is Eurocentic, believing in the "supremacy" of white skin and white culture and whiteness as "rightness".

90% of Black American women will not wear their natural hair in public--for fear of being labeled "backwards/African" and being further denigrated and disenfranchised by a society that HATES THEM for what their wombs produce--black people.

And just today....as I went to the Post Office, the farm field to get vegetables, the grocery store to get meat, the library to return books and to my lawyer for a conference....the ONLY men who acknowledged me, flirted with me and tried to "mack" at me....were white and latino.

So please let Marc know....he must have been paying attention ONLY to my naked black breasts when he thought that I was "hot"....because he obviously has not taken any time to read what I have to say or what I believe or what I have experienced in my life. Like so many White men who want a chocolate-covered White Woman, he hears my pride in my blackness and my love for my people and....it turns his white mind off.

I don't hate "anyone"---but by the same token---I am not impressed by "whiteness" and I don't wish to be white. As an African, I am already "perfect" in the eyes of GOD (who is also black and came from my black pussy--because there was no where else to come from)."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

So I Just...

...finished texting with The Body. If you don't remember or know who The Body is you can read about him here and here. The funny part about all of this is I haven't talked to him in AGES. I saw him once, briefly, when I was going jogging and he was headed to campus (we live in the same complex). That's it.

Mind you this dude has shown me he is a spoiled brat on more then one occasion. And he stood me up when I asked him to help me move. Basically what happened was the person who was supposed to help me move couldn't 'cause I was moving later then was originally anticipated. All my other options had fallen through and as a last minute shot I text The Body to see if he could do it. He said yeah. But when it came time to move he kept pushing the time back till finally he was like hit him up at 10:45pm and then he could move me. WTF?

So I said forget about it. Eventually my Godsister helped me move. But yeah that was the last time I really had any dealings with him. Anyway tonight at around 2:20 he texts me asking me if I was home. Eventually he gets around to asking me what he really wants: Sex. I'm like, Naw. Well he proceeds to tell me we have different personalities, and he knew we both liked sex and he was just trying to keep it real...yada, yada, yada. I in turn offered to be friends. He basically declined. LOL.

To make a long story short, when it became clear that I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, he tells me how he was only trying to see if he should keep my number in his phone and he can see that he no longer has a use for it. WOW. My feelings are SO HURT. BOO HOO!

Dudes kill me. Why is he calling me? We hooked up a couple times a while back. He's hot. I call him The Body for a reason so I'm sure he can get laid anytime by anybody. So what's the deal? What 'cause he's so built I'm supposed to forget the standing me up and the acting like a spoiled brat? Please. Negro Please.

So GH Came...

...by about a week ago. Last Sunday in fact. It was nice having him over. He hadn't been over since the first night I'd moved into my new place. It was funny because he started making the, "I wanna have sex with you motions," and I pointed out that that ship had sailed. No more entering my port baby. LOL.

He seemed a bit surprised and tried to convince me to aid him in getting him off--which he proclaimed was not sexual in the least. Yeah whatever. I let him know the last time we had sex was really the last time. He took it all in stride though. It was all rather comical.

He came by again Wednesday to borrow five dollars and I looked at him and said, "Oh damn you're cute." LOL. It also made me realize that while I'm over GH I'll never really be over GH. LOL. Sigh. it is what it is.

The next day, Thursday I call him to see if he could take me to Target. He answers the phone and I'm thinking he's sleep 'cause his voice is all heavy. Turns out his cousin had died and he'd gotten the news 5am that morning. What I thought was sleep was actually tears. Caught me by surprise. I tried calling him last night to see how he was doing but he didn't answer. I'll probably try again today. I'm a little worried about him. He's lost a lot of people in the last year. What can I say...he's my friend. And I care. And honestly...there's no shaking the boy.

Quote of the Day

Married couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking. ~Chinese Proverb

Volume Dating and Stacking Your Dates

Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days is an excellent example of volume dating. Volume dating just means dating a lot people often and regularly. Remember, I said you wouldn't have to kiss a lot of frogs but you would have to date them. Volume dating allows you to meet a lot of people and the more people you meet and date the better your chances of meeting Mr. Right.

So how does this work? Well, you can do it like they do on the Essence's 30 Dates in 30 days where you have a date every night or you can do what I do and stack your dates.

How do you stack your dates? Well I figure there are only so many days in a week and only so many hours in day. Because I'm a busy person I don't have a lot of time to date, so having a date every night wouldn't work for me. Instead, I set up multiple dates on the same day. Here's how it works:

Take a typical Saturday. I'll set up an afternoon date. A 7pm date and a 10pm date. The noon date will usually be a first date. The 7pm date can either be a first or second date and the 10pm date is generally reserved for third dates or later, with the occasional second date if we've spent a lot of time together and NEVER for a first date.

It works like a charm and there are rarely any problems. What happens if someone wants to extend a date? You tell them you have other plans. If they persist, you tell them you have another date. So where are you going to meet all of these dates? Well if you follow my advice in How to Get a Date, you should be rolling in dates no time soon.

Ultimately, what volume dating and stacking your dates allows you to do is meet people, have fun and seriously increase your chances of finding that special someone. It's just not for women on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. You can do it too.

Next: Black male shortage and what to do about it

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Damnit, Damnit, Damnit....

....DAMNIT! So we finally realize we can text each other (He lives abroad) and this is what he texts me:

You are sexy and beautiful with quite a decent body.

WTF?

First of all "quite a decent body" what is that supposed to mean? But as I mentioned before I don't like to be called to be called sexy. And don't get me wrong I know he likes me for more then just how I look but damn, couldn't he just say that. Couldn't he say:

You're smart and sweet and funny.

Is that too much to ask?

Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2

I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.

3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

Quote of the Day

Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.
- St. Jerome

So If You...

...knew you had to other things to do. Other things you wanted to do. Why would you hit me up saying you were free today and wanting to hang out?

Stupid.

Stupid.

I didn't ask you to call. I didn't suggest we go out. You did. So you make the suggestion and then you stand me up because you were in the bike shop for umpteen hours? Wouldn't the smart thing to have done would have been to go to the bike shop first and then call me on some "let's hang out 'cause I just want to chill with you,"after you were done with your 'shopping'?

You'd think.

Simpletons I say.

Simpletons.

Knowing When to Move On

Okay, so in a previous post I talked about the fallacy of chemistry and why it shouldn't be used as the sole criteria when deciding on a second date. Now I'm going to address a really important issue that I think women in general and Black women in particular need to understand, and that's knowing when to move on from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. This is something that is SUPER important to understand. Knowing when to move on could mean the differnce between being married at 28 or single and broken hearted at 35.

The reason I felt the need to address this issue is because on the Essence show '30 Dates in 30 Days' the first three women who went on dates had all recently ended longterm relationships and two of the women had been in relationships that had lasted for five years. Five years.

Yeah.

Newsflash...and I'm going to put this as clearly and succintly as possible...if you've been dating a man of a year and half and he hasn't proposed--he ain't gonna. More importantly, HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Did you get that?

If not I'll say it again: HE DOESN"T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Now it doesn't matter what reason he has for NOT proposing. It all adds up to he doesn't want you. Period. It's that damn simple.

Spending five years (hell two years) of your life, when you are at a marriagable age, wanting to be married, with a man who has not proposed and most likely hasn't even MENTIONED marriage is STUPID and counter productive.

You aren't getting any younger. Your eggs aren't getting any younger. If you want to be married and to have kids, then start dating men who want the same thing you want. There are men out there who want to be married and are ready to do so. But you can't make a man who doesn't want to get married marry you. You just can't. So stop trying.

SO, what do you do if you find yourself in a longterm relationship with a man who's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married or is always hollering, "Not now. Later."

You leave him.

You tell him why and you bounce. And if he doesn't come back with an engagement ring, you cut your ties and you find you someone who wants to marry you.

Period.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I Hate It When...

...a guy asks you out and when you say, "What are we going to do?"

He says, "Uh, I don't know. You decide."

WTF?

You asked me out. You should have a date idea or ideas in mind. If you want to talk about it before hand that's fine but to have NO idea...that's just lazy.

And damn annoying.

The Fallacy of Chemistry

So I've been watching Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won't comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, "Black women are so desperate and they can't think of anyting else but how to get a man," message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we're doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.

The first mistake I see being made by the women who've completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry

On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn't have it with that guy. And the women were using, "Chemistry" to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.

Bad idea.

Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you're quick to dismiss a guy because you didn't get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.

AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn't mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he's offering is truly what you want and need. You can't base a decision on who to get involved with simply on "He makes me feel all tingly inside." To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.

Next: Knowing when to move on

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Quote of the Day

The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence.
- Edward Thomas

Monday, October 08, 2007

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katharine Hepburn

How To Get a Date

I'm really beginning to think that many a Black woman is clueless on how to get a date. And I don't really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could have a date tonight if I wanted one.

If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren't getting one, my guess is you're doing 1 of 4 things:

1. Always with other women

2. Not going out where the men are

3. Not going on a date because he doesn't fit your ideal of "The One"

4. Not making the most of opportunities

The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you're ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:

1. When you're out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you're at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you're going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you're going to be sitting around all night asking, "Where the men at?"

2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won't look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It's not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you're looking for.

The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.

So if you're constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they're no men then it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.

Now before you say, "But JJ I don't know where to go." I'd say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you'd be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you'll know where to go.

The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you're turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don't fit your ideal of "The One."

We've all heard the saying 'You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince." Well, I'm saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you're turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they're not 6'1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don't have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.

From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you'd initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you'd usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don't want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.

The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you're a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You're probably meeting available men all of the time. But you're not taking the time to notice because you're so caught up in what you're doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.

Next: Volume Dating

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Quote of the Day

That Nigga always sounds like he got a two piece and a biscuit in his mouth.
- My Godsister about Biggie Smalls

Whatever Happened To...

...making out? Why is that all sexual encounters with men after puberty have to be Penis meets Vagina?

I mean what's wrong with a little, "heavy petting," as my homegirl calls it?

I said that to a guy recently, "What's wrong with making out."

His reply, "I'm a grown ass man I don't have time for making ou."

Sigh.

I mean really. Dudes act like you can't get sexual pleasure without vaginal entry. A little head, a hand job and I'm thinking it's all good. Orgasm is possible. Besides making out is an opportunity to get to know whether or not you want to "take it all the way."

Here's to bringing the bases back.

Saturday was NOT...

...a productive day. At all. Not at all.

Sigh.

I gotta do better than this.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Why I Wouldn't Tell

I told my girlfriend last night that if I was ever raped I probably wouldn't report it. She didn't find that surprising but what she doesn't know is that our conversation was a perfect example of why I wouldn't report it.

First I'd like to say that my girlfriend is great and I know she didn't mean any harm in what she was saying and that her reaction is typical when a woman says she feels like she was violated by a man in some way.

It's the, "I'm not saying you asked for it but..." response.

For example I told her I took a shower when a friend of mine was over and even though I expressly told him NO when he asked if he could watch he came in the bathroom anyway.

When I told her I took a shower while he was here her response was:

Did you feel comfortable taking a shower while he was there?

Huh?

When I pointed out that he has taken a shower at my place before and that even if I was trying to be coy (oooh look at me I'm in the shower) that didn't excuse his behavior.

Her response: Yeah even if you were trying to be coy that doesn't make it right.

Now the implication in this is that I was taking a shower while he was there to be enticing and while it didn't excuse his behavior it may explain it.

But when I pointed out to her that the only reason I took the shower in the first place was because I tinkled on myself because he was tickling me (yes I peed on myself. As a child family members would play the game 'Let's sit on her and tickle her until she's red in the face and pees on herself. Yeah. Fun times.)it was like, "Oooohhhh Okay." as if that justified me taking a shower when he was here.

It's like I needed a reason to take a shower in my own home because I had male company. Now I've been over guys house and they've taken showers while I was there and I guarantee NO ONE would questions their motives. They took showers because they needed to, not because they were trying to be "coy."

The other example was when I was explaining to her how the ATL guy was diddling me in my sleep. When I was explaining to her how I got my revenge (more on that later) by requesting that he sleep in the bed the next night because it was cold even though initially he was going to sleep on the floor, she thought I was referring to the initial offending incident and she said:

Well I'm not saying you asked for what happened but it probably would have been best if he slept on the floor.

Huh?

First when I asked the guy to sleep in the bed it wasn't "hey come fuck me" it was, "Hey it's cold, you're warm, lets snuggle." And that's what I said to him.

BUT the fact that I asked him to snuggle IN NO WAY JUSTIFIES him fooling around with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING.

I had to let her know that no, I was talking about two separate events and the night where he was diddling me in my sleep he had actually been invited in the bed by our mutual homegirl (yeah).

So once again I felt myself having to prove that I didn't, "ask for it."

And my friend isn't malicious or insensitive. She's a typical woman in this patriarchal, misogynistic society that says if a woman is in any way sexually violated, particularly by "good" boys, then it is somehow her fault. She must have asked for it.

Who wants to report such a violent personal crime in the face of that kind of pressure? Those kind of accusations?

I don't.

And I probably wouldn't.

Quote of the Day

When men say no that's the end of the conversation. When women say no that's the beginning of a negotiation.
- unknown

The Cult of Man - The Truth Behind the Hype

I'm often told by men, that I"m "like a dude." They often say, "Damn Girl you just like a Nigger." And homeboy recently said that he knew I was, "Swinging about 5 or 6 inches over there."

When I was younger I viewed these sort of comments as a compliment. But not now. Now I'm just offended.

Why is it assumed that only men can enjoy sex for sex sakes or have causal relationships?

Why does that have to be "man like."

I'm not a man.

I'm a woman.

And my behavior is indicative of that.

I'm sure I"m not some aberration. I'm just more vocal about my wants, needs, likes and dislikes then others.

And the Cult of Man isn't all it is cracked up to be either. Just like women aren't all yearning for love and a relationships, all men aren't good at no strings attached sex.

Here some facts that many women overlook (or don't know about):

1. Men "catch feelings." All of the time. They may behave differently then women when they do (get jealous, possessive, easily angered when you're not available) but it's because the "How to be a Man Handbook" doesn't account for the fact that men have feelings and what to do about them when hey "catch them" especially if the relationship was supposed to be based on just sex.

2. Men don't like to be viewed as sex objects. Now lets be clear when I make these comments I'm speaking in general. But, yeah, men often get offended when they realize you just view them as a piece of ass. It doesn't sit well with them contrary to the popular belief that that is what they want.

3. Men want you to want them EVEN if they don't want you. A guy that I used to mess with keeps claiming that I don't want to mess with him anymore because I'm afraid of "catching feelings." Now this is despite the fact that I've told him REPEATEDLY, that I want to end things with us because I'm not looking for a fling but want a relationship. And no, I don't want a relationship with him.

But he can't grasp that concept. In his mind I have to want him and not just want him sexually but want him as my man. And the fear of that (he's already told me multiple times how he doesn't want a relationship) is keeping me from sexing him. LOL. SMH. But you see what I'm saying.

Well, there you have it. Three very common "myths" of maleness debunked. I know first hand the Cult of Maleness is not all it's cracked up to be. They come with many of the same worries, fears and insecurities that we do. They just hide it better then we do, largely because they have to.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

How Date Rape Happens

You know I can understand how a woman can end up raped and how her perpetrator can genuinely believe he did nothing wrong.

I really can.

And the reason I can understand this is because in the past 2 to 3 months I've been in more then one situation where I was saying to a young man, "No I don't want to sleep with you." and he was saying, "Yes you do."

SMH.

With 3 or the 4 men in question I spent a lot of time trying to fight them off. And even as I write "fight them off" it seems like such a strong phrase and a little surreal 'cause they're basically all nice guys who just knew that I wanted to sleep with them.

I had one tell me that, "He just didn't believe me when I said I didn't want to sleep with him."

Huh?

And another said to me, when I pointed out to him that he wasn't listening to me, "No I'm not because I'm persistent."

Huh?

Another, once we'd actually had sex (and arguably he was the one where there was no fighting involved and it really happened (the sex) because I knew it was going to be the last time we slept together 'cause I was finally over him and so happy to that I was finally over him that I thought, "What the hell.") I said to him, "You know I really had no intention of sleeping with you. I did tell you to go."

To which he responded, "Yeah but you didn't really mean it."

Huh?

Sigh.

Part of me is angry. Part of me feels like none of the men I'm mentioning has any respect for me as a woman and what I say.

Part of me is shocked 'cause they're really nice guys who, if you asked them, really don't believe they did anything wrong.

So what do you do?

The whole situation reminds me of a quote I heard some years ago, on Oprah I think, "When a man says no it's the end of the conversation. When a woman says no it's the beginning of a negotiation."

And that's how I felt. Like I was negotiating. I mean I'm saying no. I've got my knees in your chest, pushing you away and you're still trying to "convince" me that I want to sleep with you.

WTF?

And the sad part about it is I know I'm not the only woman who's been in this situation. These aren't isolated incidents. This can't be chalked up to "those type of guys."

It just can't.

A serious dialogue needs to be had with young men. They need to understand that no means NO. If she wants to sleep with you she isn't going to need "convincing." 'Cause one day if you try to "convince" the wrong girl you may find yourself in jail being accused of rape and trying to figure out how you got there.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Don't Call Me Sexy

I don't like it when people call me sexy.

I hate it actually.

I find it damn annoying.

This wasn't always the case. When I was younger I thought it was a compliment. Something to be proud of. Now when I hear it all I hear is, "I think you're hot and I want to fuck you but I'll never make you my lady."

I call it 'The Bachelor' syndrome. If you've ever watched that ABC show 'The Bachelor' what you'll notice is that the guy will get the relationship down to handful of women and sometimes just the last two.

There will be the one really hot chick who he is very attracted to and likes a lot. Then there will be the other chick who is not as hot, who he likes but it's more because she's the "ideal wife" figure. She's like Susie homemaker and cute.

Invariably the hot chick NEVER gets chosen. Never. She gets close but no cigars. And she can be a great person, fun to be with, smart, all of that. But she doesn't get chosen.

Now don't get it twisted. The reason I feel this way isn't because of The Bachelor. It's just that the show does a good job of articulating how I feel.

And don't get me wrong I feel the same way when it comes to men. No matter how much I like a guy, I just don't believe that men who look like The Body and GH can make good boyfriends. Too much competition. Too many choices. And I feel like they view me the same way.

So call me cute, call me funny, call me nice...but don't call me sexy.