Why I Wouldn't Tell

I told my girlfriend last night that if I was ever raped I probably wouldn't report it. She didn't find that surprising but what she doesn't know is that our conversation was a perfect example of why I wouldn't report it.

First I'd like to say that my girlfriend is great and I know she didn't mean any harm in what she was saying and that her reaction is typical when a woman says she feels like she was violated by a man in some way.

It's the, "I'm not saying you asked for it but..." response.

For example I told her I took a shower when a friend of mine was over and even though I expressly told him NO when he asked if he could watch he came in the bathroom anyway.

When I told her I took a shower while he was here her response was:

Did you feel comfortable taking a shower while he was there?

Huh?

When I pointed out that he has taken a shower at my place before and that even if I was trying to be coy (oooh look at me I'm in the shower) that didn't excuse his behavior.

Her response: Yeah even if you were trying to be coy that doesn't make it right.

Now the implication in this is that I was taking a shower while he was there to be enticing and while it didn't excuse his behavior it may explain it.

But when I pointed out to her that the only reason I took the shower in the first place was because I tinkled on myself because he was tickling me (yes I peed on myself. As a child family members would play the game 'Let's sit on her and tickle her until she's red in the face and pees on herself. Yeah. Fun times.)it was like, "Oooohhhh Okay." as if that justified me taking a shower when he was here.

It's like I needed a reason to take a shower in my own home because I had male company. Now I've been over guys house and they've taken showers while I was there and I guarantee NO ONE would questions their motives. They took showers because they needed to, not because they were trying to be "coy."

The other example was when I was explaining to her how the ATL guy was diddling me in my sleep. When I was explaining to her how I got my revenge (more on that later) by requesting that he sleep in the bed the next night because it was cold even though initially he was going to sleep on the floor, she thought I was referring to the initial offending incident and she said:

Well I'm not saying you asked for what happened but it probably would have been best if he slept on the floor.

Huh?

First when I asked the guy to sleep in the bed it wasn't "hey come fuck me" it was, "Hey it's cold, you're warm, lets snuggle." And that's what I said to him.

BUT the fact that I asked him to snuggle IN NO WAY JUSTIFIES him fooling around with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING.

I had to let her know that no, I was talking about two separate events and the night where he was diddling me in my sleep he had actually been invited in the bed by our mutual homegirl (yeah).

So once again I felt myself having to prove that I didn't, "ask for it."

And my friend isn't malicious or insensitive. She's a typical woman in this patriarchal, misogynistic society that says if a woman is in any way sexually violated, particularly by "good" boys, then it is somehow her fault. She must have asked for it.

Who wants to report such a violent personal crime in the face of that kind of pressure? Those kind of accusations?

I don't.

And I probably wouldn't.

How Date Rape Happens

You know I can understand how a woman can end up raped and how her perpetrator can genuinely believe he did nothing wrong.

I really can.

And the reason I can understand this is because in the past 2 to 3 months I've been in more then one situation where I was saying to a young man, "No I don't want to sleep with you." and he was saying, "Yes you do."

SMH.

With 3 or the 4 men in question I spent a lot of time trying to fight them off. And even as I write "fight them off" it seems like such a strong phrase and a little surreal 'cause they're basically all nice guys who just knew that I wanted to sleep with them.

I had one tell me that, "He just didn't believe me when I said I didn't want to sleep with him."

Huh?

And another said to me, when I pointed out to him that he wasn't listening to me, "No I'm not because I'm persistent."

Huh?

Another, once we'd actually had sex (and arguably he was the one where there was no fighting involved and it really happened (the sex) because I knew it was going to be the last time we slept together 'cause I was finally over him and so happy to that I was finally over him that I thought, "What the hell.") I said to him, "You know I really had no intention of sleeping with you. I did tell you to go."

To which he responded, "Yeah but you didn't really mean it."

Huh?

Sigh.

Part of me is angry. Part of me feels like none of the men I'm mentioning has any respect for me as a woman and what I say.

Part of me is shocked 'cause they're really nice guys who, if you asked them, really don't believe they did anything wrong.

So what do you do?

The whole situation reminds me of a quote I heard some years ago, on Oprah I think, "When a man says no it's the end of the conversation. When a woman says no it's the beginning of a negotiation."

And that's how I felt. Like I was negotiating. I mean I'm saying no. I've got my knees in your chest, pushing you away and you're still trying to "convince" me that I want to sleep with you.

WTF?

And the sad part about it is I know I'm not the only woman who's been in this situation. These aren't isolated incidents. This can't be chalked up to "those type of guys."

It just can't.

A serious dialogue needs to be had with young men. They need to understand that no means NO. If she wants to sleep with you she isn't going to need "convincing." 'Cause one day if you try to "convince" the wrong girl you may find yourself in jail being accused of rape and trying to figure out how you got there.