I told my girlfriend last night that if I was ever raped I probably wouldn't report it. She didn't find that surprising but what she doesn't know is that our conversation was a perfect example of why I wouldn't report it.
First I'd like to say that my girlfriend is great and I know she didn't mean any harm in what she was saying and that her reaction is typical when a woman says she feels like she was violated by a man in some way.
It's the, "I'm not saying you asked for it but..." response.
For example I told her I took a shower when a friend of mine was over and even though I expressly told him NO when he asked if he could watch he came in the bathroom anyway.
When I told her I took a shower while he was here her response was:
Did you feel comfortable taking a shower while he was there?
When I pointed out that he has taken a shower at my place before and that even if I was trying to be coy (oooh look at me I'm in the shower) that didn't excuse his behavior.
Her response: Yeah even if you were trying to be coy that doesn't make it right.
Now the implication in this is that I was taking a shower while he was there to be enticing and while it didn't excuse his behavior it may explain it.
But when I pointed out to her that the only reason I took the shower in the first place was because I tinkled on myself because he was tickling me (yes I peed on myself. As a child family members would play the game 'Let's sit on her and tickle her until she's red in the face and pees on herself. Yeah. Fun times.)it was like, "Oooohhhh Okay." as if that justified me taking a shower when he was here.
It's like I needed a reason to take a shower in my own home because I had male company. Now I've been over guys house and they've taken showers while I was there and I guarantee NO ONE would questions their motives. They took showers because they needed to, not because they were trying to be "coy."
The other example was when I was explaining to her how the ATL guy was diddling me in my sleep. When I was explaining to her how I got my revenge (more on that later) by requesting that he sleep in the bed the next night because it was cold even though initially he was going to sleep on the floor, she thought I was referring to the initial offending incident and she said:
Well I'm not saying you asked for what happened but it probably would have been best if he slept on the floor.
First when I asked the guy to sleep in the bed it wasn't "hey come fuck me" it was, "Hey it's cold, you're warm, lets snuggle." And that's what I said to him.
BUT the fact that I asked him to snuggle IN NO WAY JUSTIFIES him fooling around with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING.
I had to let her know that no, I was talking about two separate events and the night where he was diddling me in my sleep he had actually been invited in the bed by our mutual homegirl (yeah).
So once again I felt myself having to prove that I didn't, "ask for it."
And my friend isn't malicious or insensitive. She's a typical woman in this patriarchal, misogynistic society that says if a woman is in any way sexually violated, particularly by "good" boys, then it is somehow her fault. She must have asked for it.
Who wants to report such a violent personal crime in the face of that kind of pressure? Those kind of accusations?
And I probably wouldn't.