Saturday, August 30, 2008

Distant Lover

Distant lover, lover, So many miles away, Heaven knows that I long for you, every night, every night and sometimes I yearn through the day.
- Marvin Gaye, Distant Lover

So I just asked my friend...turned better than cut buddy...turned long distance love...are we gonna make this official or not.

When I first moved he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship.

Neither did I.


Once the I Love You's flowed...I found (find) myself in an interesting predicament of "Now What?"

His money ain't right he says.

I say so.

We don't live in the same city he says.

I say we won't live in the same city for at least the next if he is as serious about me as he says he is then we do it now or not at all (well we can still keep it causal but u get what I mean...)

He says he needs to think about it.

I say okay.

No pressure.

But I know if we keep in relationship limbo, when my Thundercat comes along (and he will come along)...there will be no second thoughts or guilt on my part...'cause...well..we'll just be better than friends...right?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Quote of the Day

If you’re 13, 14, 15 and you have sex, this is not gourmet stuff. Nobody’s buying you a bottle of wine and candlelight and putting some romantic music on. No, you’re in the clothes closet or down near the dryer or dishwasher saying, ‘Hurry up before my mother comes home.’ That’s why you don’t know the boy’s name.
- Bill Cosby

Barack Obama is a Bitch and Other Political News

Barack Obama is a Bitch.

The mess with Clinton and the roll call vote at the Democratic National Convention and his pussy ass calling out of Clarence Thomas (I'm NOT a Thomas fan) when Alito and Roberts are far more destructive forces on the Supreme Court...Barack "I'm a Bitch" Obama continues his "I'll do anything to appease the White folk" tour.

And even with all of his capitulation he is currently lagging behind the polls to John McCain...a lying, old, angry, uninformed, woman hating asshole. From AOL:

WASHINGTON (Aug. 20) - In a sharp turnaround, Republican John McCain has opened a 5-point lead on Democrat Barack Obama in the U.S. presidential race and is seen as a stronger manager of the economy, according to a Reuters/Zogby poll released on Wednesday.

McCain now has a 9-point edge, 49 percent to 40 percent, over Obama on the critical question of who would be the best manager of the economy -- an issue nearly half of voters said was their top concern in the November 4 presidential election.

McCain better on the economy? Really? Gas tax McCain?

This just further confirms for me that the American Public are a bunch of ignorant, racist, idiots. If this country elects McCain, we truly get what we deserve. The inability of the American Public to see past their ignorance and continue to vote along the same idiotic path that got us into this economic mess to begin with.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Quote of the Day

And I would never let anyone like Diddy with a predator jawbone and teeth the size of piano keys anywhere near my stuff, it would be like using a prehistoric beaver as a vibrator.
- Professor Tracey

Are Women Hardwired to Cheat?

So often when the discussion is had about who is hardwired to cheat, the consensus is always men are cheaters by nature and women are more monogamous by nature. That we just aren't wired to cheat in the way men are. These conversations always 'cause me to shake my head because it confuses basic biology with socialization.

Women are socialized not to cheat. Historically women have payed a extremely high price for infidelity. Not so much men (generally speaking). The main reason for the difference in attitudes toward promiscuous/adulterous behavior among the sexes is the issue of paternity. In patriarchal societies a father's paternity is always in question, unless you can guarantee that your woman is only sexing you.

In matrilineal lines this obsession on paternity isn't an issues because succession is determined by the mother (which actually makes more sense) and there is no doubt that it is her child, hence the old saying, "Mama's baby, Daddy's maybe."

But...But...women need seek out a provider to help her care for her kids. True. But she also needs to seek out the best genes possible for her kids as well. And in many higher primate societies a females promiscuity ensures that her child lives:

In some primates, the promiscuous female mates obsessively with just about every male she comes across. She is, in other words, polyandrous.

This promiscuous behavior serves a vital function in primate social life — it ensures, for the female, that the paternity of her inevitable children can never be accurately determined, and all the males of the troop are equally likely to share food with her (and not kill her children).

And before anyone argues that that's just in primates...the number one cause of death for children 3 and under is being killed by men who aren't their father. It is pretty understood that (many) men don't deal well with other people's children, particularly male children.

And recently with the advent of the "at home DNA test" it's been discovered that as many as 10% of males are caring for children who aren't theirs, throwing that women are the more faithful sex out the window.

Women have a lot of social pressures to be monogamous and not promiscuous. Women get a lot of screwy messages regarding sex growing up. From good girls keep their legs closed ('till they find the one) to only bad girls perform certain sexual acts. Our desire for sex is often shrouded in shame. We regularly police each others sexual behavior, ready to unleash the "ho" label at the least sign of any transgression of established sexual mores.

On the other hand, our male counterparts are told to "sow their wild oats," and "not to settle down to fast." Men's sexuality is rarely shamed, unless it falls outside of sexual norms (i.e. homo/bi-sexuality) and in many cases is unashamedly encouraged. In this environment who is surprised that women are the more monogamous sex?

As many (but not all) of the traditional restrictions against female sexual behavior fall away, what you get is women who are as sexually promiscuous as their male counterparts. Women don't stand to lose it all (marriage, family, standing in the community) for their adulterous/promiscuous behavior. Often this "behavior" is labeled as "trying to be like a man" by those who believe women just aren't as sexual as men.

While either sex can choose to be faithful and non-promiscuous, both sexes are hardwired to do otherwise, strictly from a biological perspective. And the sooner that fact is accepted perhaps women can get away from the very restrictive sexual ideals many of us have been raised under and lead more honest, fulfilling sex lives that aren't shrouded in confusion and shame.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

So What Kind of Kinky are You?

Sex on the Beach Magazine had a nice post asking about folks bedroom behaviors and wondering on the list of kinky where do you stand. Here's a list of the kinkyfied activities they listed:

1.Threesomes or Moresomes

2. Bondage (Taped & Tied)..maybe even nailed!

3. Dominatrix (gettin’ that a$$ spanked and acting on command)

4. Being pissed or $hitted on….

5.Being suffocated or physically beaten

6. Having sex in Public

7. Playing Dress up (Clown, Nurse, Teacher)

8. Transvestite Cravings

9. Sex with Pregnant Women & Non-BabyDaddies

10. Watching other people have sex

Now for me the only things on the list that fall out of my "kink" range would be the shitted on, transvestite cravings, suffocation and (excessive) physical violence and sex while pregnant with someone who isn't your Baby Daddy. I can't tell you how many men hit on me while I was pregnant. I would always say to them, "Doesn't it look like someone got here before you?"

I'm not gonna lie though, I got many a free cab ride and the buses would wait for But I digress. Pretty much everything else on the list falls in the realm of "normal" for me. I don't think too many of the remaining fantasies are too out of the box as far as fantasies go, but I recognize my boundaries aren't everyone else's.

So where do your boundaries lie? Are you into a little S&M? Sex in Public? Do you like to dominate? What kind of kinky are you? Feel free to share anonymously if you're feeling a little shy.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

There are Men You Date and There are Men You Marry

So often we here from men (and other women) that there are women you date and there are women you marry or, to put more crassly, you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Well the same applies to men. There are men you date and there are men you marry or, put another way, you can't turn a hustler into a husband, and as women, we need to stop trying.

By "hustler" I don't mean men who may be involved in illegal activities, I mean men who don't have the emotional maturity, interest or ability to fully commit to one woman and family life. To often women take on the mentality that, "I can change him," or "Love will conquer all." Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but that works in movies and fairytales, there is a reason why they end at "Happily Ever After."

You need to know they type of man you have. All relationships don't have to or should end in marriage. And if the only reason you have for getting married is because you, "love him" then I need you to seriously rethink your decision. Love is but one factor in many that one needs to consider before walking down the aisle. All men, regardless of how much you may love each other, are not ready for marriage and you can't make him ready, that's something he has to do on his own.

So to save yourself a lot of heartache and pain, ask yourself if the man you're with is really husband material. Is he ready to fully commit to you? To family? Will he be able to handle the ups and downs that come with married life? Are you all on the same page on the major issues: sex, finances, children, religion? Have you even talked about these things?

If the answer is no, then have the necessary discussions and if the answers aren't what you need them to be then you know he's a man you date, not one you marry.

Related Posts
Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy
Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On
Ladies Stop Playing Wife If Your Man is Not Playing Husband

A Little Morning Wood

Yeah I know...but DAMN! LOL. All I gotta say is...Ashanti needs to share. LOL. Feel free to make requests about who should be out next Morning Wood.

Cullen Jones: He's Black and He Swims!

Boy was I surprised when I found out that one of the members of the Olympic gold medal swimming relay team was Black. A Black gold medal swimmer. Freaking Fabulous! From

After participating in one of the greatest swimming races in history, Cullen Jones hopes he has only begun to make an unforgettable impact.

Jones, who once starred as a college swimmer at North Carolina State and now lives in Charlotte, helped set a world record for the United States. in the 4x100 relay Sunday night (EDT). On Monday, with a gold medal gleaming from his neck, he talked about his ideas for using that medal and that extraordinary race as a springboard.

"I've got big plans," Jones said.

Jones, 24, has the sort of big dreams that you want an Olympian to have - something more than endorsements or TV appearances. He imagines swim meets, clinics and speeches to youth groups, all under the umbrella of what he would like to call "The Cullen Jones Diversity Tour." Bank of America gave Jones $10,000 of seed money for it Monday.

Jones is already heavily involved with an organization called "Make a Splash," a national child-focused water safety initiative created by the USA Swimming Foundation ( Jones is mostly concerned not that minority children learn to swim fast, but that they learn to swim, period. A recent study sponsored by USA Swimming showed that 58 percent of black children could not swim, compared to 31 percent of whites.

"Let's say two kids are walking beside a pool and one decides it would be funny to push the other one in," Jones said. "If the one who gets pushed in can swim, yeah, maybe it's funny. If he can't? You've got a real problem."

Bright and beaming with personality, Jones has the gregarious nature cameras love. Although he's one of the best dressers on the U.S. Olympic swim team, he cracked up his Olympic teammates at a training-camp talent show with a dead-on portrayal of TV nerd Steve Urkel.

Since meeting Jones for the first time four months ago, just after he moved to Charlotte, I knew he would be able to command part of the spotlight at the Olympics if he only had the opportunity. Now he does, as the second black U.S. swimmer to win an Olympic gold medal (Anthony Ervin was the first, in 2000).

Jones draws people. When you meet his mother, Debra Jones, you can understand why. She and her late husband spent years ferrying their only child to swim practices.

"It's worth putting the time into your child's passion," Jones said Monday, flashing a smile almost identical to her son's. "Sometimes they don't fit the mold you imagine. Not all kids are going to grow up and be doctors."

Well I'm proud of the brother. Woo Hoo! That 58% number is appalling and anything that can be done to alleviate it, I'm a fan of, so Im hoping Cullen keeps it up and can aspire more little Black kids to get out there and swim competitively.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Breaking News: Issac Hayes Passes at 65

It's been a tough weekend. First Bernie Mac and now Issac Hayes. From MSN:

Soul singer and musician Isaac Hayes has died, according to Memphis TV station WMC-TV. He was 65. The pioneering songwriter's many honors include a Grammy for the theme from "Shaft."

The station's Web site attributes the report to Shelby County Sheriff's Department spokesperson Steve Shular, saying a sheriff's deputy was called to Hayes' home after the singer's wife found him on the floor near a treadmill.

WMC-TV goes on to say Hayes was taken to Baptist East Hospital in Memphis, where he was pronounced dead at 2:08am. An investigation into the death is continuing, the station says.

R.I.P. Mr. Hayes.

Quote of the Day

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
~John Kenneth Galbraith, The Affluent Society

Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery--leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big...marry Aidan.

I don't get this. I don't get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn't that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you're with a man who doesn't want to get married, when you're looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.


Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Bernie Mac Dies at 50

From AOL:

Bernie Mac, the actor and comedian who teamed up in the casino heist caper "Ocean's Eleven" and gained a prestigious Peabody Award for his sitcom "The Bernie Mac Show," died Saturday at age 50.

"Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.

She said no other details were available and asked that his family's privacy be respected.
The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

To die so young is always a tragedy. He was my favorite comedian. The man was crude and crass but he put on a good show and always left me in stitches. My prayers go out to his family.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Throwback Fridays - Jodeci: Forever My Lady

How to Tell If Your Man is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only) Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you're saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How's she supposed to know? That's a list I'd like to read = )
- Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn't give up the panties until months in.....but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain't that many hours in the
- Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
- Cherish

Well, you know, I don't believe that there is a woman alive who doesn't know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn't right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he's start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You're just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don't know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn't want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine. Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn't doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work. Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it's abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn't any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn't give you an answer that's worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes. This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, "Is he cheating," you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you're honest with yourself, the question isn't, "Is he cheating," the real question is, "What are you going to do about it?."

Quote of the Day

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
- Javan

A Little Morning Wood

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Quote of the Day

...I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.
- Latoya

Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they're seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their "relationship" you realize that it's no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She's making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

The Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

1. He only calls you after 11pm. Let's face it, if he can't call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he's calling when he's not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex. Regardless of the hour of day he's calling, if the only time he calls is when he's looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn't like you.

3. You haven't met any of his friends and family. If a guy is really into a chick he's going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you've never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it's not one that's good for you.

4. He never takes you out. If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there's a reason for that. Believe me if he's not taking you out, there's a good chance that he 's out with someone else. And even if he's not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn't any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don't know how he spends his time when he's not with you. If you're clueless about how he spends his time when he's not with you, then you don't know him and if you don't know him, you're not his woman. If you ask him, "what did you do today," and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn't want you to know about. And if that is the're better off finding another man 'cause the one you have isn't yours.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Quote of the Day

Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.
- John Ciardi

How Soon is to Soon for Sex?

So how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship?

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that's still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still weary of "getting their numbers up."

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I'll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun. There really isn't a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we're on the same page--then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship. I've got a pretty solid (at least) two month rule. Usually at the two month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya'll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya'll are not "official." Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you're seeing someone else.

No thank you. I'll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it's you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Throwback Fridays - SWV: Weak

Quote of the Day

Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery