Friday, May 25, 2007

You Gotta Love It


Quote of the Day

Love that is not madness is not love.
- Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Okay, Am I...

....the only who finds this funny?

Child Ruins Monks' Intricate Sand Design

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (May 24) - The little boy spotted the pretty pile of colored sand on the floor of the vast hall and couldn't resist. Slipping under a protective rope, he danced all over the sand, ruining the carefully crafted picture.

"He did a little tap dance on it, completely destroying it," said Lama Chuck Stanford, of the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City.


LOL. That has to be the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Apparently the little boy slipped away from his mother, tucked under a security rope and went to tap dancing all over the sand portrait. LOL.

It's really not his fault. I mean, what do you expect from a toddler? It was big. It was pretty. It was colorful. And in his mind of course that meant you had to dance all over it. Lol. I blame his momma. You don't let your toddler wonder in Union Station and not expect something bad to happen. Toddlers destroy things. It's what they do. They're like little wrecking balls, ready to demolish something at a moment's notice, whether it needs demolishing or not. LOL.

And how did the monks react to all of this? Well, like you'd expect Tibetan Monks to respond, with complete and utter calm:


"No problem," Geshe Lobsang Sumdup, leader of the group from the Drepung Gomang Monastery in southern India, said through a translator. "We didn't get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder."


Nice. We all could learn a little something from such a, "it's all good" attitude.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Quote of the Day

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
- James A. Baldwin

Okay, I'm...

..done. This time I'm serious. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall or an invisible person. He responds to none of the messages I send him. Why do I even bother. And no, I'm not constantly sending dude messages.

It's just that his manifesto was in desperate need of editing. It was causing me serious problems that it had so many grammatical errors and he was actually letting people read it. So I made the corrections and then sent a message on Facebook saying:

If you should have some time drop by I have something for you.

No response.

Then a couple of days later I realized I could just e-mail him the damn thing and so I sent another message saying:

I'm an idiot I can just e-mail the thing to you. Check your yahoo account.

No response.

Why do i even bother? Why do I even care? I'm done.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Sex Ticker (Retired)

I'm think I'm going to retire The Sex Ticker for now. Not because I see anything wrong with it but because my heart is no longer in it. It stopped being about sex with him a long time ago. And while I go through the motions of meeting, conversing with and dating other men, my heart is truly stuck on only one person.

Why is this so difficult? I'm sure I will move on in time. As they say, "This too shall pass." I don't doubt that there is another man out there for me. Hell I almost married one. And what I feel for GH in no way diminishes what I've felt for others in the past. So why am I having such a hard time here? With this guy? Who only started out as being a really good lay.

I guess it's because I see myself in him. I get the pain. I understand the isolation, of being haunted by your parent's failures. I get that. I get him. Better than most I'd suspect (whether he realizes that or not is up for debate), so its hard to lose someone like that or to never really have had them to begin with.

I think the other thing that's really bugging me is that, for a short time, I knew how good things could be...with him. I had a glimpse. And it was good. And I was happy. And then it was gone. Just gone. The rug was pulled out from under me with no warning, no explanation, just "Poof." Gone.

I could ask why. To be honest, I think I'm pretty clear on the why. But the why doesn't matter. I learned a long time ago that no matter what answer you get to "why" it's never good enough. It's only the "is" that matters. And this is, well, what it is. He's gone. Perhaps never to return, at least not how we were in that brief moment.

And I just don't know what to do about it.

They say time heals all wounds. And at this moment I really wish I believed that.

Quote of the Day

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
- James A. Baldwin

I Am Truly...

...having a Grey's Anatomy moment here. Remember in season 2 when Meredith pleads with McDreamy to choose her over his estranged wife:

"Love me. Want me. Choose me."

Or something along those lines. Well that's how I feel right about now. I just want to grab him and say:

"Love me. Choose me. Be with ME. Please."

Yes I recognize how utterly pathetic and desperate that is. But hey, I just said I wanted to say it...not that I was going to.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

The Sex Ticker

35 Days
Since I Have Seen Any Action

Sigh...

...well what is there left to say. I mean really. What's a girl to do? I swear, why can't everything be good all at the same time? Is that really too much to ask?

Quote of the Day

My grandfather said there are two things that dont live long: dogs that chase moving cars and men that case taken woman.
- Epsilonicus in reference to why R&B is more dangerous than hip-hop.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

You Know, I’m Really...

...tired of all the hoopla surrounding hip-hop these days. First Imus blames his insensitive, sexist, racist comments on rappers. Then Russell Simmons calls for a ban on three bad words. Now Fifty Cent is comparing hip-hop to a mirror on urban black life.

What do I have to say to all of that? Bullshit. Contrary to popular belief hip-hop, in its current incarnation, is not responsible for all of the sexism and misogyny in the world. Nor is censorship in any way shape or form necessary to “save the music” and contrary to popular belief, hip-hop is not representative of all urban youth culture.

The problem with hip-hop is not that it’s sexist, misogynist or violent. The problem with the music is that, these days, just about the only thing that gets airplay is sexist, misogynist and violent.

90% of hip-hop that plays on the radio is much of the same: hos, bitches this, shoot’em up bang bang that and for good measure throw in how nice my ride and how fat my wallet. Not exactly inspiring the masses to greatness now is it?

You want to save the music? Bring diversity back to the genre. Once upon a time you had 2 Live Crew, N.W.A. and Ice T. But you also had Arrested Development, Digable Planets and Public Enemy. Throw in a little Wrecks N Effect and Digital Underground, you could be a gangsta, a social activist and get your party on all in the same musical form. It just didn’t get any better than that.

Nowadays it’s one note, the same song, with many different artists. No wonder everyone is saying hip-hop is dead. I say, bring back the diversity and the music we all love will live again. And once that happens, we can finally stop talking about the Glory Days of Hip-Hop and start living them.

The Sex Ticker

34 Days
Since I Have Seen Any Action

Quote of the Day

One man's kinky is another man's normal.
- Me

Friday, May 18, 2007

So...

...Island Boy (aka Texas) called today. He seems like a dick. He's go this smart ass, arrogant, goofy (but I'm really a dork) personality that is really damn annoying. He reminds me of a friend of mine with the same personality. I swear dude had more people who hated him than the law should allow. I don't know about this one. But we will see. At least he's asked me out and not talking about some, "Hey come over to my house," B.S.

I Met...

...a boy today. We shall call him BC (Broward County). He's cute. Good build. Intelligent. Well, seemingly intelligent. He strikes me a s a bit arrogant though. Okay, a lot arrogant. That may be a turn off at some point. He likes his women thick though. So that's always a plus. It's early. we will see.

The Sex Ticker

33 Days
Since I have Seen Any Action

Quote of the Day

You so easily set me aside.
- India Arie, You Made a Fool of Me

Thursday, May 17, 2007

So Island Boy...

...(who's actually from Texas) asked me for my number today. It's a start.

Shit...

....I really need to get on the grind. I've been running around all day, trying to get shit done and it just feels like I moved around a lot and didn't really accomplish anything It's crazy. But the job I have that I thought was going to be a little part-time work is really shaping up to be...well..work. No complaints but I've never really been that disciplined and now I have to be. I really have to get down to it. I'm ready though. I really am.

So There's This...

...chick who has a thing for me. I've known for forever that she's liked me. Hell she's been pursuing me like a dude would since we met. And the fact that she likes me isn't really that big a deal. I've had chicks hit on me in the past. The problem with her is I don't think she's accepted the fact that I'm just not into chicks.

I mean when we've hung out or talked on the phone I'm always talking about sex, boys...sex with boys, so I'm not sure what she's missing. Personally I think she thinks she can somehow change my mind. That kind of cracks me up. Anyone who knows me knows what I like. There's very little doubt about where my interests lie.

Chicky is definitely acting on wishful thinking. I mean, she is seriously paddling up that river in Africa if she thinks there is any chance in hell that she could ever end up in my bed. LOL. I'm not trying to be mean but sometimes I feel like she's just ignoring the obvious and continuing on like I might, one day, be interested. Or to be blunt: Turn me out. Sigh.

I don't have a problem being friends. She just needs to tone it down a bit. I don't think she's officially "out of the closet," so I can't really say anything to her about it. But if I could, I'd be rather blunt about it. I'd say:

"You know, as cool as you are, I'm not interested. Or to put it another way, I like my penises to come already attached."

I don't think I can be any clearer than that.

My New Job...

...is no joke. They want a minimum of 50 articles a month from you. Jeez. I was aiming for 80 but to know there's a min. and it's 50 is crazy. I was looking to get a part-time job on campus but when I was thinking about it, I could just spend my summer writing. That would give me the flexibility of schedule to do as I please and I wouldn't have to be on someone's clock.

I mean, I say that's what my goal is, so I might as well test drive it now and see if I have the discipline (or can learn the discipline) to pull it off. Plus I have to get back on the grind with my Thesis. I've been slacking with that and that has to be completed by the end of the summer. No excuses, exceptions or anything else.

Let the Games (and Hard Work) Begin.

The Sex Ticker

32 Days
Since I Have Seen Any Action

Quote of the Day

What kind of fool am I?
- India Arie, You Made a Fool of Me

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

If I Could Say...

...one thing to GH right now it would be:

"So, you wanna come over and test out my new bed?"

And For....

...the record, if he were to come over right now, I would screw the hell out of him. Yeah. I said it.

Okay...

...so he did buy me a B&N gift card. It has $25 on it. Bastard.

The Sex Ticker

It has been 31 days since I've gotten laid. 31. And since it doesn't look like I'm going to get any anytime soon, I see this as an opportunity to take up what has become, in some ways, a national pass time.

We Americans like to keep track of important issues by creating massive counters (or tickers) that keep track of some astronomical number (think: the counter in time square that keeps track of the deficit or any number of websites with tickers that track various aspects of the Iraq War.).

So following in that tradition, minus the great importance of the information, I'm going to start keeping track of my sex life...or I should say, lack of a sex life, via my own specially made ticker. SO....Drum Roll Please:
31 Days
Since I Have Seen Any Action


This little ticker will be updated everyday, right along with the Quote of the Day. Let's see how long this lasts. It looks like it's gonna be a long summer.

Quote of the Day

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
- Oscar Wilde

Okay, Now I've...

...confirmed that I'm a Fucking Idiot. So I called old boy this morning to see if he could take me to Best Buy (I needed to pick up an ink cartridge...and the drama that ensued b/c I didn't have one is another story.). He agrees.

So when I'm in the car, I ask him who he was writing too in his "manifesto." He says:

"No one. Just free thought writing."

So, after a little prodding he says:

"I wasn't writing to anyone. That's just how I write. I have to think that I'm writing to someone...."

So then I ask:

"Why did you write that and let people read it?"

And he says:

"Well people are always asking...so..."

By "people" I guess he means the women whose hearts he routinely breaks.

So then I replied:

"I copy edited it for you."

Hell what else was I going to say?

Well my suspicions were confirmed. The letter was written to a generic woman. It could have been anyone of us that he's screwed over. So I'm a fucking, pathetic, idiot. As Tony The Tiger would say: That's GRRRRRRRRRRRRR-EAT

On a side note he (allegedly) bought me a Barnes and Noble book card.

On a double side note, Boy did his ass look GOOD! Hot Damn. He had on this white shirt, with colorful stripes, with his collar open and his bare chest showing, these nice jeans and leather sandals (yes a man who realizes that socks and sandals DO NOT go together). He really did look hot.

Am I A Fucking...

...idiot or what? I mean I get all mushy over a letter I get from a guy who hasn't spent any significant time with me and still shows no sign of doing so, in a month. I mean he hasn't stepped foot in my apartment in over a month and here I am debating whether or not I should hop back in the sack with him. WTF??? Am I that stupid? Am I that desperate? Maybe I should just tattoo, "I'm a Fucking Loser!!!!" on my forehead, so the whole world will know what I currently see as obvious.

Hell, I don't even know if the damn letter was directed to me (solely me, anyway) and here I am trying to give this boy a pass...because he was all sincere and shit. Fuck me.

Ah Hell, Now I...

...don't know what to do. GH gives me this, well I call it his manifesto, but it is a letter that basically explains why he is the way he is when it comes to relationships. And it's touching and poignant and I don't know what the hell to do about it. When I say "what to do about it" I mean how to react.

On one hand, the manifesto (that's what I'm calling it damnit) confirms a lot of what I thought about him and enlightens me on the "why" of things. On the other hand, I don't think I'm the only one who got one of these manifesto's, so it means that perhaps where it says "you" it's not me but whoever else happens to be reading the letter. Or it could just be a generic "you" referencing all of the women in his past, present and future.

I'm glad he gave it to me. Hell that was pretty damn brave handing over such a personal and soul bearing piece to anyone, let alone my sarcastic, abrasive, no holds bars, ass. Then again I did give him a letter that basically said, "All bullshit aside I know you're the man for me." Which, all bullshit aside, I know that he is.

But now what? The manifesto essentially asserts that he's damaged goods but a work in progress and he doesn't expect me (or her or the generic you) to sit around and wait for him to be ready. I agree with that. As much as I care for GH, I realize I can't put my life on hold hoping that he "comes around." I know that. I recognize that. But once again I say, "Now what?"

Does this mean I sleep with him again? I mean the letter is one long apology that says:

"Hey I know I disappeared on you for a month and I'm a jackass for it but any time I get to too close to a woman I go running for the hills, 'cause I think I'm going to hurt her."

To which I reply:

"Hey, funny you mention that because I do the same thing too, so I don't really see a need to hold it against you and now that I know what I'm dealing with things don't seem so bad."

But the flip side of that is:

"Just because you are damaged doesn't mean you get a free pass to mistreat me. That's not okay."

So...now what?

And more importantly: Do I sleep with him?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It's Funny...

...it doesn't seem like dude is trying to spend any time with me. I mean, we went from being great to nothing at all without any warning. I don't miss him like I was missing him. To be honest for once (cause I say this a lot) I've made peace with the situation. I guess this last go I felt so betrayed and it was so unexpected that I really just feel like, "Okay. It's done." Really.

Where would we go after this? I'd finally started to feel like I was part of his life and he was a part of mine. That we were actually friends and not "friends." You feel me? But I guess I was wrong. I guess we're just Cut Buddies. And now...now that''s not what I want. I can't say I'm liooking for a relationship (read: exclusivity) but I would like something consistent. Something Stable. I need to know that when I'm having a bad day, I can call and say, "Hey my day was exceedinly crappy. Can u come by and we chill?" And vice versa.

I thought we were there. I thought we were in a good place. And once again I say: I guess I was wrong.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Quote of the Day

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
- Groucho Marx

Who's Not A...

...LOSER BABY!!!! ME!!!! I'm NOT!!! Woo Hoo!!!! I got the job!!! Who got the job?? I Got The Job!!!! Bastards really meant a week apparently. The e-mail was waiting for me this morning when I woke up. Woo Fucking Hoo!!!!!

The pay is still crap but it does mean that I have a writing contract with a big website and its a jump-off to my goal of earning $500 a week from writing. Yeah baby!!! So I'm still looking for jobs. There's this blogger gig available (as in being a blogger not the actual company Blogger) that I'm thinking about applying for. The problem is they want you to send a link to your blog and I'm not sure this blog acts like the best resume.

Let's face it I seem to only talk about three things: Money, Sex and ...okay maybe two things. And not in that order. My other blog hasn't been around long enough for me to use it as a calling card, so we'll see. But at least I'm on track. Woo Hoo!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Okay....

...he called and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. So he wins some brownie points.

However, brownie points does not my bed make.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Mine And GH's Relationship...

...is done. You can put a fork in it. I just can't do it anymore. This time things were different. I recognized they were different and I'm sure he did too. I mean...we were fine. FINE. We talked regularly. I saw him regularly. We were really enjoying each other's company. We were good. And then he ups and disappears on me for no reason, with no explanation. It just makes no sense.

I get that he didn't want a "relationship." Hell, I wasn't asking him for one. I realize it long stopped being about the sex. I'm sure he realized that too. But if he was feeling a little scared or trapped or suffocated, he should have just said something. We're adults. I'm 27, he'll be 27 in July, so we're both old enough to talk about what's bothering us and not just react. Anyway, none of that matters now. I'm done. At this point he wants back in my life (read: my bed) then he will have to earn his way back. No more passes. Those days are over.

And if he doesn't wish me a Happy Mother's Day I'm going to really be pissed off.

Friday, May 11, 2007

It Is Official...

I am a confirmed Loser.

Quote of the Day

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

So I Call Myself...

...attempting to make a career as a writer. Not all at once mind you, just step by step. The goal is to have $500 a week coming in from writing gigs by the end of the year. And I really thought I was on my way. I applied for this job that had all these steps:

Step 1: Turn in your resume and writing clips
Step 2: Sign a Non-disclosure agreement
Step 3: Write a sample article following the enclosed style-guide.
Step 4: Sit and wait and pray that you get the job

Well it was Monday when I completed step 3. Haven't heard anything yet. But in all fairness, the original e-mail chicky sent, she did say that she would contact people within a week of submitting their sample article. It's Friday. So hopefully I hear something today.

I really do need this contract. Not the least of which is because I'm jobless right now. I need it for my self esteem. Yeah you read me right. I mean, they're supposed to be hiring 200 writers. You mean to tell me that I can't manage to be hired out of a group of 200 writers. Come on. I'll feel like such the loser if I can't get a job that would have me being 1 of 200 writers. My loser status would have been signed, sealed and delivered, should that happen. Here's hoping.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Quote of the Day

Love is a smoke rais'd by the fume of sighs.
- William Shakespeare

So Today Was My Day....

...to sit around and sulk and be all surly because I have no job, no one likes my writing and I don't have a man. I can wholeheartedly say I embraced my sulky, surliness to the fullest. Couldn't have done a better job. Now that I've spent a whole day feeling sorry for myself it is time to get back on the grind come the morrow. Joy.

The Lesson Learned...

...today is: There are other men out there. And they like me. So take that GH (not like he cares). It's not like I didn't know this. It's just when your head and your heart get wrapped up in someone it's hard to see the forest or the trees. That said, I did see GH in the gym today. He was looking a little chubby...lol. No seriously he was looking like a little boy with that beanie on his head.

Outside of that I talked to some old gym friends and made a new one, who we will call Island Boy or IB for short. I don't know whether he is from an island or not but he has that look about him so that's what I'm going to call him. He's cute. Has pretty eyes. Is tall and fine. Not a bad deal if I say so myself. Now whether or not it leaves the gym remains to be seen but it's early, at this point any thing is possible...Here's to new acquaintances...Cheers.

Heartache Is A BITCH....

....and there's no simpler way to put it. Somewhere along the way I went from liking the boy to really liking the boy and unfortunately for me the transition wasn't mutual. The sad part about it is...I was fine with him not feeling the same way. I really was. Until I realized he was having a Facebook conversation with another chick and I couldn't even get a phone call. So then I went into snarky mode and did a bit of an asshole thing under the guise of necessity. Hell, what am I going to say, when I get wounded I wound back. Sigh. I really am over him. Over this. This time I mean it.