Monday, May 21, 2007

The Sex Ticker (Retired)

I'm think I'm going to retire The Sex Ticker for now. Not because I see anything wrong with it but because my heart is no longer in it. It stopped being about sex with him a long time ago. And while I go through the motions of meeting, conversing with and dating other men, my heart is truly stuck on only one person.

Why is this so difficult? I'm sure I will move on in time. As they say, "This too shall pass." I don't doubt that there is another man out there for me. Hell I almost married one. And what I feel for GH in no way diminishes what I've felt for others in the past. So why am I having such a hard time here? With this guy? Who only started out as being a really good lay.

I guess it's because I see myself in him. I get the pain. I understand the isolation, of being haunted by your parent's failures. I get that. I get him. Better than most I'd suspect (whether he realizes that or not is up for debate), so its hard to lose someone like that or to never really have had them to begin with.

I think the other thing that's really bugging me is that, for a short time, I knew how good things could be...with him. I had a glimpse. And it was good. And I was happy. And then it was gone. Just gone. The rug was pulled out from under me with no warning, no explanation, just "Poof." Gone.

I could ask why. To be honest, I think I'm pretty clear on the why. But the why doesn't matter. I learned a long time ago that no matter what answer you get to "why" it's never good enough. It's only the "is" that matters. And this is, well, what it is. He's gone. Perhaps never to return, at least not how we were in that brief moment.

And I just don't know what to do about it.

They say time heals all wounds. And at this moment I really wish I believed that.

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