Distant Lover

Distant lover, lover, So many miles away, Heaven knows that I long for you, every night, every night and sometimes I yearn through the day.
- Marvin Gaye, Distant Lover

So I just asked my friend...turned better than cut buddy...turned long distance love...are we gonna make this official or not.

When I first moved he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship.

Neither did I.

BUT...

Once the I Love You's flowed...I found (find) myself in an interesting predicament of "Now What?"

His money ain't right he says.

I say so.

We don't live in the same city he says.

I say we won't live in the same city for at least the next year...so if he is as serious about me as he says he is then we do it now or not at all (well we can still keep it causal but u get what I mean...)

He says he needs to think about it.

I say okay.

No pressure.

But I know if we keep in relationship limbo, when my Thundercat comes along (and he will come along)...there will be no second thoughts or guilt on my part...'cause...well..we'll just be better than friends...right?

Wearing a Man Down is NOT a Marriage Strategy

On Knowing When to Move On, a commenter posted the following:

And not for nothing, a lot of women can wear a man down or be the last option standing after a 10yr wait! It happens all the time... By then he has pressure from everyone to "do the right thing" so he usually does. That's not the best way to make it to the alter. Although I have seen it A LOT, and everyone lies to themselves about the situation! That is until the sad little marriage falls apart. Then everyone remembers that it took the couple 10 yrs to agree that they wanted to get married!(and fyi: these marriages usually look real good at first!)

Wearing a man down not a marriage strategy. I know so many women who believe if they just stick around long enough then they will be rewarded for their stupidity loyalty with a gold ring. I know a woman who waited EIGHT years for her man to propose. He did. Add while they have been married for awhile they are having problems. Namely, he wants more kids (they have one) and she does not. Something you think they would have figured out in eight years of dating.

We can look to celebrity couples for this sort of thing as well, with mixed results. You have Diddy and Kim who, after 3 kids, 13 years and 1 J-Lo still could not convince Combs to marry her. And then there is Tiny and T.I. who, after 2 kids, 1 miscarriage, and a possible 10 year prison sentence finally got around to asking his long term girlfriend to marry him. The jury is still out on whether they actually make it down the aisle.

And our entertainment gives us such nonsense as well. Sex in the City perpetuated this foolishness by having Big FINALLY (sort of) propose to Carrie after 10 years of off and on dating and adultery--leading women to believe that they too can get their Mr. Big if they just wait long enough. Sigh. The lesson one should take from Sex in the City should be screw a Mr. Big...marry Aidan.

I don't get this. I don't get this laser focus on one man that will cause someone to give up years, decades even, of their life in hopes that this man will propose, with no guarantee that that is how things are going to work out (think Kim and Diddy). As I often ask on this blog, why are women so willing to give u their power? Contrary to all of the talk, getting married isn't that difficult. And the one easiest way to see that it happens, is to follow this very simple advice: If you're with a man who doesn't want to get married, when you're looking to get married, for whatever reason, then drop him and find you someone who is.

Simple.

Relationships are about compatibility and if you're seeking marriage and he is not then you all are not compatible. Hoping, praying, begging, pleading, waiting is not going to make him marry you. And even if he does...what kind of marriage will it be? I don't know about anyone else, but I want a man who wants to marry me, not one I had to drag, kicking and screaming, to the alter.

Related Posts
Knowing When to Move On
Knowing When to Move On PT. 2
The Shortage of Marriagable Black Men and What to Do About It

How to Tell If Your Man is Cheating

So in Top 5 Signs You are Not His (Only) Woman seems like those who commented on the post wanted to know how to tell if your man was cheating:

I dig what you're saying but what about the supposed wifey/main chick who hears from him at regular hours, has met his friends and family, gets taken out, etc. yet is still being cheated on? How's she supposed to know? That's a list I'd like to read = )
- Jennifer

However, what about the guy who is doing everything right, calling during the day, you have met his friends, you are super close, didn't give up the panties until months in.....but you find out he is cheating and wonder how did he pull it off?? Ain't that many hours in the day....lol
- Posh

yeah im with jennifer these are obvious signs that he isnt your but like she siad what about if none of these signs describe him and you still think he is with someone else
- Cherish

Well, you know, I don't believe that there is a woman alive who doesn't know her man is cheating. I believe signs are everywhere and that women choose to ignore the obvious. You know your man and you know when something isn't right.

For example: With one of my exes who I was off and on with for a year or so, I always knew when he was about to bounce. He was the type who would always call when he said he would. ALWAYS. So when he's start not calling me back after saying he would call, I knew he was about to pull one of his disappearing acts. It never failed. It was always the same.

Another ex, would pick random fights with me for no reason when he was about to break up with me. Always. I knew it was coming because we would be fine and then for no reason he would cop a huge attitude, pick a fight and then bounce. My clue there was another woman.

So my point is, there are always signs. You're just (willfully) ignoring them. We all perform a certain level of cognitive dissonance in out lives and I don't know anyone who is more willingly delusional than a woman who doesn't want to believe her man is cheating.

Here are a few red flags that he may be tipping out:

1. Sudden Changes in Schedule/Routine. Did he used to go to the gym in the mornings and now he goes in the evening? Is there no real explanation for the change. Has he stopped doing something, or stated doing something that he wasn't doing before? Was there no warning and when you ask you get vague answers?

2. More Time at Work. Is he all of a sudden spending more time at work, but like the changes in schedule, it's abrupt with no warning. As far as you know there isn't any new project or responsibilities that he as at his job, but all of a sudden he seems to spend more and more time there. When you ask about all the new hours, he doesn't give you an answer that's worth the time he took to say it.

3. The Sex/Grooming/Weight Changes. This is actually the easiest way to tell if a woman is cheating but works for a man as well. Is the sex drastically different? More frequent? Less frequent? Is he doing different stuff? Is he spending more time on his looks then he was before? Has he started losing weight? Wearing cologne? Keeping a fresh cut? Dapper down?

Yeah, you might want to chalk the new found sexiness up to a new woman.

But you know this. Like I said, women know when their men are tipping out. By the time you satrt asking the question, "Is he cheating," you already know the answer. You know your man better than I do. And if you're honest with yourself, the question isn't, "Is he cheating," the real question is, "What are you going to do about it?."

Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

Many women I know or have known claim they have a man or that someone they're seeing really cares about them , but when you hear the details of their "relationship" you realize that it's no relationship at all but an extended booty call. She's making time with a guy when she is definitely NOT the only chick and more than like not even the main chick.

The Top 5 Signs You're Not His (Only) Woman

1. He only calls you after 11pm. Let's face it, if he can't call you doing normal business hours, you are not his woman. If the only time he can pick up the phone (or text) you is doing standard booty call hours you have to ask yourself who he's calling when he's not calling you.

2. The only time he calls is when he wants sex. Regardless of the hour of day he's calling, if the only time he calls is when he's looking for a little bedroom action, well he may like your lady parts but he definitely doesn't like you.

3. You haven't met any of his friends and family. If a guy is really into a chick he's going to (eventually) introduce her to friends and family. At the very least his friends and family will be aware that you exist. If you've never met anyone who is close to him, there is a good reason why and it's not one that's good for you.

4. He never takes you out. If the only thing he wants to do is hang out at the house and he never takes you out or attempts to take you out, there's a reason for that. Believe me if he's not taking you out, there's a good chance that he 's out with someone else. And even if he's not dating someone else, his unwillingness to take you out is a good sign that he hasn't any real interest in you. You are definitely not his woman.

5. You don't know how he spends his time when he's not with you. If you're clueless about how he spends his time when he's not with you, then you don't know him and if you don't know him, you're not his woman. If you ask him, "what did you do today," and his answers are always vague, well just assume he was doing things (or spending time with someone) he doesn't want you to know about. And if that is the case...well...you're better off finding another man 'cause the one you have isn't yours.

How Soon is to Soon for Sex?

So how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship?

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that's still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still weary of "getting their numbers up."

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I'll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun. There really isn't a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we're on the same page--then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship. I've got a pretty solid (at least) two month rule. Usually at the two month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya'll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya'll are not "official." Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you're seeing someone else.

No thank you. I'll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it's you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On

Warning: This post is NOT for the faint of heart. Strong Language. NSFW.

Now anyone who has been reading this blog long enough knows that I don't have any problems with casual sex. Personally I feel if you're a grown-up and you want to do grown-up things...go for it. As long as folk are on the same page and you're being safe--no harm, no foul.

But I do have a major problem with women (and men) who are having casual sex who know good and well that that is not something they can do.

Ladies, you know wh0 you are.

You're the ones sleeping with a man, knowing good and well it was just a booty call, but get all mad when you catch feelings and he doesn't feel the same. Then you wanna complain to your girlfriends and call the poor dude everything BUT a child of God.

Whatcha complaining for? It's not his fault. You knew what the deal was before you took your panties off. You can't change the rules in the middle of the game and expect the other person is going to follow suit.

Or how about you ladies who involve yourself with a man when he has already told you he isn't looking for a relationship? But you sex him anyway 'cause you're thinking, "Girl once he gets a taste of this he's gonna forget about anyone else and settle down with me."

Newsflash: You cannot fuck a man into a relationship (well unless your name is Tameka Raymond who apparently has a mink lined coochie with 24k gold inlays). While pussy is an asset - it is one that half the population has and it's a diminishing asset at that. And you best believe if he's "not having a relationship with you," he may be "not having a relationship" with two or three other women.

I say all of this to say: if you want a relationship, then have a relationship. Stop selling yourself short with these pseudo-relationships because you're afraid that you can't get, keep or find another man.

To thine ownself be true. Stop compromising yourself and your wants by sleeping with a man in hopes that he will "wife" you. Why are you giving up all of your power? Why are you letting a man decided when, where and how you're going to be involved?

As old fashion as it may sound, sex is an easy way to eliminate the men who are really interested in you vs. those who are interested in just sexin' you. As a general rule (notice I said general) unless or until a man has shown you that a relationship is what he wants then there is no need to sleep with him. Keep your panties on. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain if you just wait awhile.

Cue Janet Jackson:

Me in a Nutshell

"Gender issues are especially significant fo“r ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite ‘unwomanly’ to others. Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men.”

"These qualities may obscure the fact that ENTJ females can be quite nurturing and caring. For them, femininity is not defined by traditional roles. It is reflected in the total involvement and commitment they bring to each moment of life.”

Even though I'm split between E and I. But the rest is very dead on. And it makes it very difficult in relationships.

I Think GH...

...has a new jump-off. It's the same chick that set me off a couple of months ago when I saw him chatting with her on Facebook.

The one that made me initially ask him for the $20 dollars he owed me (which I still haven't gotten all of) because I was so ticked that he was talking to her and not talking to me.

The one who made me finally get my school e-mail because I wanted access to her Facebook page.

The chick I saw him in the gym with today.

That chick.

SMH.

I could feel the anger coursing through my veins when I saw her live and in the flesh. I thought my head was going to explode. I just knew I was going to lose it.

Of course I didn't. He waved when he saw me. Came by and gave me a hug. And I watched to see if he and chicky would leave together.

Trey didn't. They went their separate ways.

But still. But still.

Why Can't The...

...damn boy just like me? Is that too much to ask? I'm cute. I'm funny. I'm inteligent and to quote T.I. I gotta, "...juicy ass that the boys in the south like." And the damn boy just doesn't like me.

I mean....he likes me, but not like I like him. He said, when the topic was broached (yes I broached it), that he thought I was an "interesting" girl. What the Fuck does that mean? I'm an "interesting" girl? Shit...that elicits about as much passion as a warmed over bagel.

As backstory our relationship did start off as a sex thing...sort of. I've never been really sure what we're doing. And for awhile didn't care. He's super sexy. I'd been celibate for 7 and half months, he passed my interview process and Voila....we were doing bedroom aerobics. I've been dating other people (read dating NOT sexing), sleeping with him and life has been good.

Then something happened. No, not how I felt about him, I've liked him for awhile, but what I wanted. After dating, and dating, and dating and not finding anyone that I liked nearly as much as I liked GH (Gym Hottie), I realized I wanted more then our pseudo sex relationship. I wanted someone I could call my own, if not him, then someone.

So I begin to get a little grumpy when he didn't call like he used to or come by like he used to. I mean he used to call just to say hi. He used to come by a couple times a week. Things were good. And then they weren't. And I'm not sure what happened. I mean, I chalk it up to him just not liking me. Maybe he did. And now he doesn't. And that interesting girl line doesn't help.

WHY? Why? Why? Why? Every damn other boy on this campus is trying to get at me. Everybody else wants to take me out, get my number, weasel their way over to my place. But NOOOOOOO, not the one sumabitch I want to ask me out, call me or weasel his way over to my place. Hell. Life just isn't damnit fair.