My Sexual Fantasy: Dominate Me

I don’t have a whole lot going in the way of sexual fantasies.

Sex in the rain.

Public sex.

Watching other folk get it on

But what I really like and am often afraid (ashamed) to admit is that I like to be dominated.

Not full on S&M to the point where I’m bloodied, bruised or in pain mind you. But enough to where there’s little doubt about who’s in control of the show…and I don’t want it to be me.

See, I’m a bit of a control freak in my everyday life. I’m super independent. I take care of myself and help with my family. I’m your all around post women’s rights movement “I don’t have to rely on a man,” type of gal. So, when I get in the bedroom I want someone else to be in charge for a change.

Now, this wasn’t always the case. Once upon a time I wanted to be the dominant one. I wanted to be in control of the situation, my man, myself, the whole deal. But that was a young girl who was power trippin’ and rather enjoying the new found power that sex gave me.

Fast forward some years and a girl got tired of always being in charge. Tell me what to do….please. Smack me around a bit. Tie me up. Bite me. It’s your show baby; I’m just along for the ride.

I believe it’s called being a submissive in sex lingo. Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean I lie there like a fish. I’m a very active participant; I just want you to prove to me you’re the man you claim to be.

I don’t to often share this little fantasy with many of the men I date. In all honesty, most aren’t up for the challenge. If they can’t handle me outside the bedroom, there’s no way in the hell they can handle me inside the bedroom. So, it’s something I keep to myself, waiting to find the right man that I trust enough to handle me the way I like to be handled.

I’ve got one now who seems to be u to the task. We will see. So you now you know my sexual fantasy. What are yours?

A Sex Life Interrupted

Living at home will kill your sex life.

Kill it.

My mother kept talking about how this was "our" house.

I said, "No. No house I can't get laid in is my house."

She thought that was funny.

I'm glad she did.

I had a sex life when I was living on my own. A good one too. I had inadvertently become a one man woman, but I liked him and the sex was good so I wasn't complaining. We were sexing it up only about once or twice a week, but that was mainly because of our schedules. I could only really see him on the weekends because of all the work I had to do during the week.

But now I'm home and haven't seen a penis in a about a month. And I'm not happy about it. I'm an everyday sex kind of girl (when I can get it like that), so a month might as well be a year.

Talk about stressful.

I'm just not as nice, productive, nice, happy, nice, when I'm not getting laid. I just feel stressed. Working out helps...but I'd rather sweat on my back (knees, standing, on my side) and in the gym...not either or. But getting laid at home was never something I did much of...just too many variables and a lousy choice of men.

Sigh.

I'd like to think I could break this logjam soon, but alas, unless I go on vacay, there will be no action for JJ.

I'm a sad, sad girl.

Getting Fat is Relationship Suicide

Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it’s true.

And let’s be clear, I’m not talking about guys who date big women and later marry the women already big. A friend of mine has a wife who was 250lbs if she was pound when they got married. She’s bigger now but hey, he doesn’t mind, he married her big.

My cousin was also a big girl when she got hitched. Her man (who is handsome and fine) had no problems with that and they are still happily married to this day.

In general, however, what I said at the beginning ot this post still stands: Men don’t like to fuck fat chicks.

A fact many women seem to overlook when they get married or get in relationships and proceed to pack on the pounds.

“My man loves me,” you say.

Sure but loving you and wanting to fuck you are two different things

“My man would never leave me,” you say.

Perhaps. But people stay in marriages for any number of reasons.

“My man would never cheat on me,” you say.

Well…that’s where you are might be wrong. See I’m a firm believer in, “if he ain’t sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone,” and packing on the pounds is surefire way to ensure that the marital bed isn’t being set on fire.

Let’s be real here: if you were married at 135 pounds and are now 185 pounds you are not the same women he married. You just aren’t. You don’t have as much energy. Probably can’t participate in the same activities and the sex surely ain’t what it used to be.

Can you blame him for not being happy (or faithful)?

Love may be unconditional but sexual attraction is not. And before anyone tries to sell me on the bogus idea that, attraction starts in the mind and if you love someone that automatically means you want to screw them, I will automatically call bullshit on the bullshit you’re selling.

Love and sex are not synonymous – a fact we seem to be aware of before we get starry eyed and fall in love and/or in matrimony.

So my advice to any woman who is married or in a long-term relationship is to keep it right and keep it tight. A ten-pound gain is one thing. A fifty-pound gain is another.

And before anybody comments otherwise: this applies to the fellas as well. There’s no way I’d keep sexing a man who went from fit and fabulous to fat and flabby. If I gotta raise your belly to find your penis...it ain’t happening.

Why is it Difficult for Women to Reach an Orgasm?

 

 

Why Is It Difficult for Women to Reach an Orgasm?

 

According to reports, roughly 70% of women don’t reach an orgasm during intercourse. Although that figure in itself is shocking, it also makes you wonder about how many women never orgasm at all (i.e., intercourse or not)!

 

A lot of flack fall on men on why women don’t experience an orgasm but truth be told, women have a lot to do about this as well whether they realize it or not.

 

6 Reasons Why Women DON’T Climax

 

There are many reasons why women don’t reach sexual climax. Some of them maybe men’s faults but a lot can be because of her too…

 

Foreplay? What foreplay?

Foreplay is extremely important. For women, making love begins in the mind and if you don’t ‘condition’ her mind for sex, then chances are she won’t be sexually reciprocating in bed too. Furthermore, women really do need more time than men to reach an orgasm; so foreplay is actually your way of extending your own sexual stamina.

 

She’s thinking too much!

Women are natural multi-taskers. Unfortunately, they’re so used to thinking and doing several things at the same time that they find it hard to simply be ‘in the moment’ during sex. If most men can be very ‘in the zone’ during sex, women seem to have various thoughts running through their heads all the time (e.g., home chores that need to be done, kids’ homework, dirty laundry, etc.).

 

She’s full of… insecurities.

Women have many body image issues. While you may adore her, her mind is probably worried about at least three different things as you undress her: Is the light revealing any cellulite? Are my ‘love handles’ protruding? Does he think my breasts are too small/big?

 

If body image anxiety is not in her head, then she may be thinking about things such as “I didn’t shower yet, I hope I smell good… especially down there.”, or “I didn’t pee. I hope I don’t embarrass myself.”

 

ALL these thoughts are making her focus on the wrong things! It’s taking attention away from sexual pleasure and into sexual insecurities. And when a woman is in this mode, it’s almost impossible to her focus on reaching her own climax!

 

 

She really doesn’t know her own body.

There is a certain art form to making love to a woman’s body. It really does have a lot of mysterious curves, spots and turns. Sadly, many women don’t indulge in a lot of ‘self exploration’ when it comes to sex. As such, it’s hard to guide you on what makes her feel good or which techniques really turn her on. And really, if she doesn’t know her own body, how can you be expected to instinctively know what brings her pleasure, right?

 

The best thing is… it’s never too late to learn! Why don’t you BOTH explore her body? Don’t rush anything and try everything. See what turns her on best and use that knowledge to make her reach her orgasm. Make it your sexual quest! However, here are some clues to save you a few steps…

YOU’re not paying attention!

True, men are not mind-readers. Unfortunately, many women are not great communicators in bed as well so we have a little problem here. Compounding this problem is of course that favorite female bedroom habit of ‘faking orgasms’. As a result, YOU think that what you’re doing is great when in reality you may not even be close!

 

To solve this particular problem, try to develop a certain ‘sexual code’ between you two. For instance, a slight squeeze on your arm means “You’re doing great! Pls. keep doing it!”; while nails on your skin or arm mean “enough of that!”. You will receive more squeezes, however, if you know some important facts. Click here to learn more...

YOU’re changing ‘techniques’ too fast.

Men like to try different sexual positions and that’s great but sometimes you may be changing just a bit too fast. Women need to get accustomed to a certain ‘rhythm’ before sexual pleasure begins to climb. If you keep shifting positions, she will either (a) never find the position that brings her an orgasm, (b) lose the sexual pleasure she was experiencing in the previous position or (c) be so frustrated that even if you go back to the same position, she may not be that sexually aroused again.

 

So keep this in mind: when it comes to female orgasm it’s not just location, location, location… it’s also about repetition, repetition, repetition.

 

 

Hopefully this list of potential reasons why your partner is not reaching an orgasm paves the way for discussion between the two of you. Don’t focus on why she’s not reaching an orgasm. Instead, focus on what you guys are going to do, so that she does reach her climax. That’s a more positive approach and lot more fun too! Learn creative and easy ways to do it here…

Are Women Hardwired to Cheat?

So often when the discussion is had about who is hardwired to cheat, the consensus is always men are cheaters by nature and women are more monogamous by nature. That we just aren't wired to cheat in the way men are. These conversations always 'cause me to shake my head because it confuses basic biology with socialization.

Women are socialized not to cheat. Historically women have payed a extremely high price for infidelity. Not so much men (generally speaking). The main reason for the difference in attitudes toward promiscuous/adulterous behavior among the sexes is the issue of paternity. In patriarchal societies a father's paternity is always in question, unless you can guarantee that your woman is only sexing you.

In matrilineal lines this obsession on paternity isn't an issues because succession is determined by the mother (which actually makes more sense) and there is no doubt that it is her child, hence the old saying, "Mama's baby, Daddy's maybe."

But...But...women need seek out a provider to help her care for her kids. True. But she also needs to seek out the best genes possible for her kids as well. And in many higher primate societies a females promiscuity ensures that her child lives:

In some primates, the promiscuous female mates obsessively with just about every male she comes across. She is, in other words, polyandrous.

This promiscuous behavior serves a vital function in primate social life — it ensures, for the female, that the paternity of her inevitable children can never be accurately determined, and all the males of the troop are equally likely to share food with her (and not kill her children).

And before anyone argues that that's just in primates...the number one cause of death for children 3 and under is being killed by men who aren't their father. It is pretty understood that (many) men don't deal well with other people's children, particularly male children.

And recently with the advent of the "at home DNA test" it's been discovered that as many as 10% of males are caring for children who aren't theirs, throwing that women are the more faithful sex out the window.

Women have a lot of social pressures to be monogamous and not promiscuous. Women get a lot of screwy messages regarding sex growing up. From good girls keep their legs closed ('till they find the one) to only bad girls perform certain sexual acts. Our desire for sex is often shrouded in shame. We regularly police each others sexual behavior, ready to unleash the "ho" label at the least sign of any transgression of established sexual mores.

On the other hand, our male counterparts are told to "sow their wild oats," and "not to settle down to fast." Men's sexuality is rarely shamed, unless it falls outside of sexual norms (i.e. homo/bi-sexuality) and in many cases is unashamedly encouraged. In this environment who is surprised that women are the more monogamous sex?

As many (but not all) of the traditional restrictions against female sexual behavior fall away, what you get is women who are as sexually promiscuous as their male counterparts. Women don't stand to lose it all (marriage, family, standing in the community) for their adulterous/promiscuous behavior. Often this "behavior" is labeled as "trying to be like a man" by those who believe women just aren't as sexual as men.

While either sex can choose to be faithful and non-promiscuous, both sexes are hardwired to do otherwise, strictly from a biological perspective. And the sooner that fact is accepted perhaps women can get away from the very restrictive sexual ideals many of us have been raised under and lead more honest, fulfilling sex lives that aren't shrouded in confusion and shame.

So What Kind of Kinky are You?

Sex on the Beach Magazine had a nice post asking about folks bedroom behaviors and wondering on the list of kinky where do you stand. Here's a list of the kinkyfied activities they listed:

1.Threesomes or Moresomes

2. Bondage (Taped & Tied)..maybe even nailed!

3. Dominatrix (gettin’ that a$$ spanked and acting on command)

4. Being pissed or $hitted on….

5.Being suffocated or physically beaten

6. Having sex in Public

7. Playing Dress up (Clown, Nurse, Teacher)

8. Transvestite Cravings

9. Sex with Pregnant Women & Non-BabyDaddies

10. Watching other people have sex

Now for me the only things on the list that fall out of my "kink" range would be the shitted on, transvestite cravings, suffocation and (excessive) physical violence and sex while pregnant with someone who isn't your Baby Daddy. I can't tell you how many men hit on me while I was pregnant. I would always say to them, "Doesn't it look like someone got here before you?"

I'm not gonna lie though, I got many a free cab ride and the buses would wait for me...lol. But I digress. Pretty much everything else on the list falls in the realm of "normal" for me. I don't think too many of the remaining fantasies are too out of the box as far as fantasies go, but I recognize my boundaries aren't everyone else's.

So where do your boundaries lie? Are you into a little S&M? Sex in Public? Do you like to dominate? What kind of kinky are you? Feel free to share anonymously if you're feeling a little shy.

How Soon is to Soon for Sex?

So how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship?

This is a question that women constantly agonize over. In a world that's still quick to label a woman who falls out of accepted sexual norms, many women are still weary of "getting their numbers up."

Well, my short answer to this question is whatever seems right for you. Having sex with someone is an intensely personal decision. You need to feel comfortable with your decision and only do what seems like the right decision for you.

Now with that said I'll tell you the rules I live my life by:

1. When a girl just wants to have fun. There really isn't a right time or wrong time in this scenario. If I like you and you like me and we're on the same page--then all systems go. Suit up and enjoy the ride so to speak.

2. Looking for a relationship. I've got a pretty solid (at least) two month rule. Usually at the two month mark you have at least 3 or 4 dates under your belt and you have a pretty good idea of who the person is. You know whether you all have enough in common to make a relationship work, whether there is something that should keep you from dating him or hell just whether you even like the guy as much as you thought.

Rarely has my two month rule failed me. And unfortunately for a lot of men have aided in my decision to keep my panties on. The other thing is, no matter how great the relationship is, there is no sex unless we end up together.

Otherwise you end up in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship, ya'll together in everything but name only, yet dude is giving you fifty-elven excuses about why ya'll are not "official." Oh, but he reserves the right to be mad if he finds out you're seeing someone else.

No thank you. I'll pass.

In the end. How you decided to navigate the sexual waters is up to you, but make sure it's you do so in a way that works for you and your needs, wants and desires and not because you feel pressured into doing something to make someone else feel good.

Note to the Ladies: Keep Your Panties On

Warning: This post is NOT for the faint of heart. Strong Language. NSFW.

Now anyone who has been reading this blog long enough knows that I don't have any problems with casual sex. Personally I feel if you're a grown-up and you want to do grown-up things...go for it. As long as folk are on the same page and you're being safe--no harm, no foul.

But I do have a major problem with women (and men) who are having casual sex who know good and well that that is not something they can do.

Ladies, you know wh0 you are.

You're the ones sleeping with a man, knowing good and well it was just a booty call, but get all mad when you catch feelings and he doesn't feel the same. Then you wanna complain to your girlfriends and call the poor dude everything BUT a child of God.

Whatcha complaining for? It's not his fault. You knew what the deal was before you took your panties off. You can't change the rules in the middle of the game and expect the other person is going to follow suit.

Or how about you ladies who involve yourself with a man when he has already told you he isn't looking for a relationship? But you sex him anyway 'cause you're thinking, "Girl once he gets a taste of this he's gonna forget about anyone else and settle down with me."

Newsflash: You cannot fuck a man into a relationship (well unless your name is Tameka Raymond who apparently has a mink lined coochie with 24k gold inlays). While pussy is an asset - it is one that half the population has and it's a diminishing asset at that. And you best believe if he's "not having a relationship with you," he may be "not having a relationship" with two or three other women.

I say all of this to say: if you want a relationship, then have a relationship. Stop selling yourself short with these pseudo-relationships because you're afraid that you can't get, keep or find another man.

To thine ownself be true. Stop compromising yourself and your wants by sleeping with a man in hopes that he will "wife" you. Why are you giving up all of your power? Why are you letting a man decided when, where and how you're going to be involved?

As old fashion as it may sound, sex is an easy way to eliminate the men who are really interested in you vs. those who are interested in just sexin' you. As a general rule (notice I said general) unless or until a man has shown you that a relationship is what he wants then there is no need to sleep with him. Keep your panties on. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain if you just wait awhile.

Cue Janet Jackson:

Why Did You Choose Celibacy?

For those women who are celibate, my question to you is why? And how does it affect your dating life?

Anyone wo has read this blog long enough knows how I feel about celibacy. But there are many women who swear by it and have, in some cases, been celibate for decades (my mother).

While it is not a choice for me, I would like to hear the stories of those who have made that decision, why they made it and how do they date, have relationships where sex is of of the table.

According to Lisa Vazquez, there are two types of celibacy:

Circumstantial celibacy is produced when the choices of sexual partners are not readily available.

Intentional celibacy is a result of a planned decision not to indulge sexual interests and sexual activities for a period of time due to a stated objective.

Which one are you? For those who are remaining celibate until you are married, are you actively seeking a mate? Are you prepared to remain celibate if you never find a husband? Do you think that is what God wants?

I have some posts I'm writing in the future and I want to hear from those who have either intentionally or accidentally chosen to abstain from sex.

Ladies, Your Orgasm is Your Responsibility

A fact older women realize and younger women are learning, is that your orgasm is your responsibility. So often I hear women complaining about how bad a lover was and how they didn't even have an orgasm. Now there are many things that can make a guy a bad lover, but the not orgasming part, well, that one's on you. Not him.

Now don't get me wrong there are two instances when the lack of an orgasm on a woman's part is definitely the man's fault:

1. Erectile dysfunction - yep this effects young men as well, not just the over 40 crowd. If he can't get or keep an erection then there isn't much you can do about that.

2. Premature ejaculation - anybody over the age of 18 should have this under control and if they don't, there isn't a whole lot you as a woman can do about it. He's at least gotta give you enough time to get there.

However, other than the two aforementioned scenarios, your lack of an orgasm is squarely on your shoulders. You can't blame anyone else if you don't have one. In my life, I take a very proactive approach to sex. I feel my orgasm is my responsibility and I act accordingly. I know what gets me off. I know where and how I like to be touched, the necessary pressure and the positions that work best. If he's not a sex guru (and most men are not) that's fine, I can take control of the situation and make sure we both leave satisfied and pleased.

Now if you don't know what you like, I suggest you find out. We all hope for the guy who is the reincarnation of Mandingo and just intuitively knows what we want and how we like it, but that's not reality and it's unfair pressure to any new lover you may take on. If ya'll are just meeting, how is he supposed to know what you like? If you don't articulate your desires how is he supposed to help you reach the peak? Hell, if you're not sure what it takes to get you to that mountain top, how is anyone else supposed to know?

So if you're one of these women who is constantly complaining about the orgasms you're not having, I suggest you take some time, light some candles, throw on some soft music, and get to know yourself. Throw some toys in the mix if you're comfortable with that sort of thing. But whatever it takes, learn what's going to get you there, so the next time someone is doing it for you you'll be assured to cross the finish line.

A Moment of Narcissism

There isn't much better in the world than hearing your name during sex.

How I Spent My Friday Night

Epiphany - Jill Scott

Watching,
Watching as he took the holder off his shoulder
Fire in his eyes,hands getting bolder
Quiet,quiet
Growing excited
Dug him for his bank account,but really for
his private
Damn about a mindset
Really wasn't into that
Needed me some pleasing,jon looking real fat
Laidback was his foreplay
All that was needed,needed was some of that
Started simple
Massaging on my temple
Pinching on my mountain peaks
That a sisters into
I responded,"Mmmmm."
You like the sound,I like makin'it more
I fell for the rock and shore
Enough,he brought it close so I could really see
Up close he slid between my breast
Sweaty with lust and sweat

Rode Mt.Saint Scott 'til ooooo
Creamy lava landed on my skin and neck
Blended with my all day Chanel scent
This freaking was incredulent,decadent
Flip side,stomach meets sheets
He plows inside as if he's making beats
As if this year's harvest depended on it
Bendin'on it
Back on my back old fashioned is renewed
Red toenail polish on whitewalls
Documenting this freaking,ahhhhh
I must...
Remember...
To thank him...
Later.
No,no,no,
No,no,no
I take charge of ship
Moving with my back and my hips
Like my ancestors did
Speaking the Bantu,Ranga and tonga??
But I've gotta stop all that to make it longer,
But it's too late
I put him to sleep
Curled all up,spasm all in his feet
Feeling all proud like I did something deep
Aint really nothin'it's the way that it be
North Philly sister repin'hard like me
But why do I feel so empty?

What's It With Men and Anal Sex?

What's it with men and anal sex?

No, really?

Why is it men feel the need to stick their penis in every available orifice? Right now I'm jsut waiting for some guy to say to me,

"Hey baby, let me stick it in your ear."

SMH.

My current "friend" has been on this anal sex kick for a minute now. He is determined to get in the backdoor. Now, while said friend can easily be classified as the best sex I've ever had (his oral sex game is PHENOMENAL), he has jackhammer tendencies, if you know what I mean. So anytime he mentions anal sex, all I can think is,

"OW"

So last night it comes up again. Now mind you, this is after four shots of Gentleman's Jack and one orgasm later (his not mine), and while we're in the midst of me getting my orgasm he wants to know if can just..well you know.

And I'm like,

"NO"

I don't think he liked that too much.

Besides with the nasty side effects that are associated with anal sex, I don't think it would have been a good idea last night with the loaded cheese fries and brownie sundae I had for dinner.

I'm just sayin'

Me in a Nutshell

"Gender issues are especially significant fo“r ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite ‘unwomanly’ to others. Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men.”

"These qualities may obscure the fact that ENTJ females can be quite nurturing and caring. For them, femininity is not defined by traditional roles. It is reflected in the total involvement and commitment they bring to each moment of life.”

Even though I'm split between E and I. But the rest is very dead on. And it makes it very difficult in relationships.

70% Out of Wedlock Birth Rate, Half of All HIV/AIDS Cases - Why?

Over at The Breaking Point Lord Hannibal poses a real poignant question:

When the statistics about HIV and pregnancies appear to me in the form of names and faces of people I know, the gravity of the situation that the CDC and other agencies describe by way of percentages becomes sickeningly real. But even after speaking to Demi and Alicia, I am no closer to understanding why anyone would be willing to risk changing their lives forever, or ending it altogether, for the sake of physical gratification.

In my experience (and this is anecdotal) Whites are having just as much unprotected sex (sans condoms) as Blacks BUT the women are MUCH more likely to be using another form of birth control and if pregnancies occur much more inclined to have abortions if of a certain class AND more like to get married if hey get pregnant but don’t want to have the abortion of if of another social class or religious background.

So from what I'v seen Black and White folk sexual habits aren’t that divergent as far as condom use is concerned but is definitely different when it comes to use of other forms of birth control.

I haven’t met too many unmarried white women who aren’t on the pill..or something. All too often I meet young black women who aren't on the pill or other forms of birth control.

In the Black community there are several problems at play:

1. Lack of use of other forms of birth control. EVEN if these women weren’t using condoms there would be a lot less pregnancy if they were using SOMETHING. Socio-economics plays a major role in this as well. Birth control is expensive. So are abortions. So are other forms of birth control (not necessarily condoms) and everyone doesn’t have or qualify for Medicaid. Add to that the 65 - 85% of Black people who fall into the poor/working class category and spending money on birth control just doesn't seem like a priority.

Not only that but there is a serious mistrust of the pill and other forms of contraception in the Black community. I often ask women why they aren’t on the pill and the reasons vary from “I don’t want to gain weight” to “It will give you cancer.”

2. Lack of marriage. we know the numbers of black men and women who haven’t been married. The longer you go without being married the more sexual partners you are likely to have. I’m not making that up…its a fact that’s been stated as why it seems Black people have more sexual partners over lifetime then their whites or other groups.

3. Man sharing. In certain communities quality men are scarce. Hell men in general are scarce. You have a lot of women basically sleeping with the same men and vice versa. When you've got a small group of people and their basically sleeping wit each other....becoming infected with disease is bound to occur.

4. The prison population. Many men contract HIV and other diseases in prison. And we know what those numbers are like for black males. They get out and voila we’ve got ourselves an epidemic.

This is just a snapshot of why 70% of black women who give birth to a child aren't married and why we make up half of the one million HIV/AIDS cases in this country. And while there have been plenty of PSA's to the contrary many Black people, up until very recently, viewed AIDS/HIV as a White, gay male disease. So while there were plenty of messages saying wrap it up, they weren't properly tailored to a group who didn't believe it could happen to them.

So Why do You Have Sex?

Remember this article that made a bit of a stir a few months back:

Why People Have Sex: 237 Reasons

Miranda Hitti

WebMD Medical News

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Aug. 1, 2007 -- Why do people have sex? A new study counts the ways and comes up with 237 reasons.

The reasons range from the sublime to the scandalous. Some motivations came from the heart. Others came from elsewhere in the anatomy.

The leading reason for sex was, "I was attracted to the person," according to the study, which appears in the August issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

The study comes from Cindy Meston, PhD, and David Buss, PhD, of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin.

First, they asked 203 men and 241 women aged 17-52 in Austin, Texas, to anonymously list every reason they had ever had sex. Those men and women were taking psychology classes or were participating in other studies at the Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory of the University of Texas.

All in all, participants listed 715 reasons for having sex. The researchers deleted repetitions, boiling the list down to 237 reasons.

Next, Meston and Buss presented the list to 1,549 psychology students and asked them to rate how often, if ever, they had had sex for each of the 237 reasons.

The Top 10 Reasons Men Have Sex

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It's fun.
5. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was "horny."
8. I wanted to express my love for the person.
9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
10. I wanted to please my partner.

Top Ten Reasons Women Have Sex

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
3. It feels good.
4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
5. I wanted to express my love for the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was "horny."
8. It's fun.
9. I realized I was in love.
10. I was "in the heat of the moment."

I remember when I first read this article I chuckled and then I was like...well...why do I have sex? I'd say out of the top ten the following applies to me:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It's fun
5. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
6. I was "horny."
7. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
8. I was "in the heat of the moment"

Also a couple of reasons for me that made the list but aren't on the top ten are:

1. I was bored
2. I was lonely
3. I wanted to be closer to God

So there you have it. That's why I have sex. Now the question is: Why do you have sex?

You can read the entire article by clicking in the sidebar under "Articles"

Can I have a Glass of Wine and a Side of Girl Parts, Please

Rule #1: Don't put Your Pussy on a Platter

Yeah you read that right. Don't put your pussy on a platter. What do I mean by that?

Exhibit A: Nicole's date with Kalik on Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days

Could she seem anymore desperate? Could she have made it any clearer that she wanted to sex him then if she'd jumped on him right there in the restaurant?

Look, I'm all for a good time. And if a good time is what you're looking for then by all means, have a good time. But if you say you want a relationship, then saying to a man in words or actions "I want to fuck you," (on a first date no less) is NOT the way to go about getting one. You may get a mighty nice bedroom workout but that's about it.

Don't put your girl parts on a platter. Don't give a man the impression that he doesn't have to do any work to get you because you're already offering yourself up to be had, used and discarded. All good things are worth working for and you're a good thing. A GREAT thing.

You don't have to ask a man if he's going to clean out his closet for you. He needs to be asking YOU that question. He needs to show you that's he's willing to put in the work. Please don't think I'm knocking recreational sex or casual relationships--cause I'm not. Anybody who's read this blog long enough knows that. But I'm a firm believer in modeling the behavior of whatevr it is you're trying to achieve. And if you want a relationship THEN ACT LIKE IT. Don't get caught up in the fact that some man gets your girl parts all hot. Stay focused on what type of man he is, what you're looking for and whether he fulfills those needs or not. Believe me, if he does that, then you're girl parts will like him just fine.

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Knowing When to Move On

So I Just...

...finished texting with The Body. If you don't remember or know who The Body is you can read about him here and here. The funny part about all of this is I haven't talked to him in AGES. I saw him once, briefly, when I was going jogging and he was headed to campus (we live in the same complex). That's it.

Mind you this dude has shown me he is a spoiled brat on more then one occasion. And he stood me up when I asked him to help me move. Basically what happened was the person who was supposed to help me move couldn't 'cause I was moving later then was originally anticipated. All my other options had fallen through and as a last minute shot I text The Body to see if he could do it. He said yeah. But when it came time to move he kept pushing the time back till finally he was like hit him up at 10:45pm and then he could move me. WTF?

So I said forget about it. Eventually my Godsister helped me move. But yeah that was the last time I really had any dealings with him. Anyway tonight at around 2:20 he texts me asking me if I was home. Eventually he gets around to asking me what he really wants: Sex. I'm like, Naw. Well he proceeds to tell me we have different personalities, and he knew we both liked sex and he was just trying to keep it real...yada, yada, yada. I in turn offered to be friends. He basically declined. LOL.

To make a long story short, when it became clear that I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, he tells me how he was only trying to see if he should keep my number in his phone and he can see that he no longer has a use for it. WOW. My feelings are SO HURT. BOO HOO!

Dudes kill me. Why is he calling me? We hooked up a couple times a while back. He's hot. I call him The Body for a reason so I'm sure he can get laid anytime by anybody. So what's the deal? What 'cause he's so built I'm supposed to forget the standing me up and the acting like a spoiled brat? Please. Negro Please.

So GH Came...

...by about a week ago. Last Sunday in fact. It was nice having him over. He hadn't been over since the first night I'd moved into my new place. It was funny because he started making the, "I wanna have sex with you motions," and I pointed out that that ship had sailed. No more entering my port baby. LOL.

He seemed a bit surprised and tried to convince me to aid him in getting him off--which he proclaimed was not sexual in the least. Yeah whatever. I let him know the last time we had sex was really the last time. He took it all in stride though. It was all rather comical.

He came by again Wednesday to borrow five dollars and I looked at him and said, "Oh damn you're cute." LOL. It also made me realize that while I'm over GH I'll never really be over GH. LOL. Sigh. it is what it is.

The next day, Thursday I call him to see if he could take me to Target. He answers the phone and I'm thinking he's sleep 'cause his voice is all heavy. Turns out his cousin had died and he'd gotten the news 5am that morning. What I thought was sleep was actually tears. Caught me by surprise. I tried calling him last night to see how he was doing but he didn't answer. I'll probably try again today. I'm a little worried about him. He's lost a lot of people in the last year. What can I say...he's my friend. And I care. And honestly...there's no shaking the boy.

Why I Wouldn't Tell

I told my girlfriend last night that if I was ever raped I probably wouldn't report it. She didn't find that surprising but what she doesn't know is that our conversation was a perfect example of why I wouldn't report it.

First I'd like to say that my girlfriend is great and I know she didn't mean any harm in what she was saying and that her reaction is typical when a woman says she feels like she was violated by a man in some way.

It's the, "I'm not saying you asked for it but..." response.

For example I told her I took a shower when a friend of mine was over and even though I expressly told him NO when he asked if he could watch he came in the bathroom anyway.

When I told her I took a shower while he was here her response was:

Did you feel comfortable taking a shower while he was there?

Huh?

When I pointed out that he has taken a shower at my place before and that even if I was trying to be coy (oooh look at me I'm in the shower) that didn't excuse his behavior.

Her response: Yeah even if you were trying to be coy that doesn't make it right.

Now the implication in this is that I was taking a shower while he was there to be enticing and while it didn't excuse his behavior it may explain it.

But when I pointed out to her that the only reason I took the shower in the first place was because I tinkled on myself because he was tickling me (yes I peed on myself. As a child family members would play the game 'Let's sit on her and tickle her until she's red in the face and pees on herself. Yeah. Fun times.)it was like, "Oooohhhh Okay." as if that justified me taking a shower when he was here.

It's like I needed a reason to take a shower in my own home because I had male company. Now I've been over guys house and they've taken showers while I was there and I guarantee NO ONE would questions their motives. They took showers because they needed to, not because they were trying to be "coy."

The other example was when I was explaining to her how the ATL guy was diddling me in my sleep. When I was explaining to her how I got my revenge (more on that later) by requesting that he sleep in the bed the next night because it was cold even though initially he was going to sleep on the floor, she thought I was referring to the initial offending incident and she said:

Well I'm not saying you asked for what happened but it probably would have been best if he slept on the floor.

Huh?

First when I asked the guy to sleep in the bed it wasn't "hey come fuck me" it was, "Hey it's cold, you're warm, lets snuggle." And that's what I said to him.

BUT the fact that I asked him to snuggle IN NO WAY JUSTIFIES him fooling around with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING.

I had to let her know that no, I was talking about two separate events and the night where he was diddling me in my sleep he had actually been invited in the bed by our mutual homegirl (yeah).

So once again I felt myself having to prove that I didn't, "ask for it."

And my friend isn't malicious or insensitive. She's a typical woman in this patriarchal, misogynistic society that says if a woman is in any way sexually violated, particularly by "good" boys, then it is somehow her fault. She must have asked for it.

Who wants to report such a violent personal crime in the face of that kind of pressure? Those kind of accusations?

I don't.

And I probably wouldn't.