Me in a Nutshell

"Gender issues are especially significant fo“r ENTJ females. As a type, their arrogant, confrontational manner and need for control can appear to be quite ‘unwomanly’ to others. Of course, the problem intensifies for the ENTJ female when dealing with men. Their demanding, objective, competent, and independent nature is not particularly endearing to most men.”

"These qualities may obscure the fact that ENTJ females can be quite nurturing and caring. For them, femininity is not defined by traditional roles. It is reflected in the total involvement and commitment they bring to each moment of life.”

Even though I'm split between E and I. But the rest is very dead on. And it makes it very difficult in relationships.

Looks Don't Matter...But Really They Do

A German study shows what we all know but what we rarely want to admit.

Science is confirming what most women know: When given the choice for a mate, men go for good looks.

And guys won't be surprised to learn that women are much choosier about partners than they are.

"Just because people say they're looking for a particular set of characteristics in a mate, someone like themselves, doesn't mean that is what they'll end up choosing," Peter M. Todd, of the cognitive science program at Indiana University, Bloomington, said in a telephone interview.

The study goes on to say that women are much choosier about their mates and very aware of their attractiveness and how it relates to their choices in men.

Women's actual choices, like men's, did not reflect their stated preferences, but they made more discriminating choices, the researchers found.

The scientists said women were aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men, and adjusted their expectations to select the more desirable guys.

"Women made offers to men who had overall qualities that were on a par with the women's self-rated attractiveness. They didn't greatly overshoot their attractiveness," Todd said, "because part of the goal for women is to choose men who would stay with them."

But, he added, "they didn't go lower. They knew what they could get and aimed for that level."

To read the rest of the article click in the sidebar under "Articles." How does this study pertain to Black women? Well, if you're smart you'd take what it says to heart and act accordingly. I know that sounds a little harsh but it is what it is.

This isn't the only study that confirms something we all know but don't want to admit: Looks matter and no amount of wishing otherwise is going to change that. So what do I suggest?

1. 50 - 60% of Black women are overweight or obese. If I fell into that category (and I do) I do what it takes to get fit and healthy.

2. Always look your best when you're out. You never know who you're gonna meet. Instead of going out in those old sewats and raggedy t-shirts with the poorly done pony tail try the cute sweatsuit, sleek ponytail and a touch of lip gloss. Yeah it sounds 1950-ish but last I checked they actually got married back then.

3. Take care of yourself. That includes steps 1 and 2 but it also means finding time to relax, de-stress, making sure you're healthy, going for your check ups, facials, manis, pedis (if you can afford them, if not do it yourself) and just all around doing what you can to make sure you're as physically attractive to the opposite sex as possible.


Remember you can be right or you can win. Wanting someone to love you for your insides is great. But they'll never get to know you if your outside isn't what it should be.

The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It

So there's a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn't news. It's so not news that I'm not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I'm sure, if you're reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC's.

So the question isn't why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you're on the wrong blog. If it's the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

1. Date the men who are available to you
2. Know the difference between what you want and want you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you're saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you're constantly saying, "Oh no. Only a Brother for me." Well, my guess is you'll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available I don't mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you're looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don't think you're gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you're a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca....don't knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that's an option) then you need to look at the men you meet everyday as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you're looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter 'till all that's required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can't live without? Saying you want a man who is 6'1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can't help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don't compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you're looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you're not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don't sit around and buy into the message that because you're Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don't end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

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Kola Boof. Speaking Truth to Power

I'm reposting this from ClassicalOne's blog. This was written by the amazing Kola Boof in response to a comment that was made on Clasical's blog awhile back. I don't have anything to say about it. It speaks for itself. And Kola Boof has officially become my shero. LOL. Enjoy. I know did.

It was recently brought to my attention by a few people at your Blog entitled "White Men Who Prefer Black Women" that a man named "Marc" had posted the following remarks about me:

"Man, I know this is going to sound weird, but I always found Kola Boof hot, even
though she hates white folks. Isn't that bizarre?"

Marc

_____

Kola Boof continues:
It's quite obvious that Marc has never read my autobiography "Diary of a Lost Girl", which was quite comprehensive in charting my sex/romantic life and the myriad relationships I've had--quite a few being with White Men, and in fact, one of those relationships (with Efrem Nelkin) lasting five years and being quite crucial in my development as it was Efrem who made me accept myself and love my blackness.

But what bothered me about Mark's comments was his assertion that I "hate white folks"--which is a glaring non-truth, and something that is almost always applied to any Black Person who is actively for the uplifting of black people and who does not want to become white and recognizes that this a White Supremacist society that "pities" blackness and is set up systematically to erase blackness and to erase black people.

Having clarity to see ones own predicament--doesn't mean that one hates white people.

In America, the withstanding "ritual belief" of the very structure of this society is that Blacks should morph into/become "mulattos".

Of course being a Half Egyptian, Half Sudanese woman from North Africa...I already know what happens to Mulattos after they "morph" out of blackness--they find that it's even worse being "mixed", they become depressed and bitter over the emotional disconnection from their original people, and in their desperation to become even whiter, they end up creating a new unhappy race--Gypsies, Arabs, etc.

My point being....I have nothing whatsoever against "White" people, not their existense, their place in humanity, their type of beauty and certainly not being friends with or having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

But I don't set aside my own identity, my own beauty...to placcate white people.

I prefer my own race and my own men.

I also love my chocolate skin and my African hair and it was required by me that my children possess those traits, because...I could not live, as a black person in this world, and not bring black children (or the image of my ancestors) back into this world.

When my former "white boyfriends" went off to do the same (produce white children), I understood completely and I was glad they did, because it completed their naturalness for them.

Perhaps Marc's naturalness is to produce "mixed" children. That's good, as well, but that's not what I would have been happy with.

I chose and loved my children's father--a black man from Belize--and we had 10 good years together that have now ended.

Today my sons are here...and I am content and feel that Africa will go on through my sons.

But will I be with a Black Man?

I have no idea.

I live in California, a high rate "interracial" mecca where Black men overwhelmingly not only prefer other races of women, but are openly prejudiced, spiteful and dishonest towards black women.

I am a "dark skinned" black woman in their eyes with "nappy hair"---so to most of the black men here (men who were born from women who look like me), I am invisible.

As well as that, the media consistently uncovers the proof that most black men in the world--once they are successful in life--believe that the ultimate Status Symbol is to choose and love a woman whose genetics are as far from Africa as humanly possible. Across the board, high profile black men marry Non-black women and have no problem setting this example or this image for little black boys.

Like so many African women, this causes me to feel greatly "betrayed" by Black men and to not trust them.

Even worse--it causes me to lose respect for them, because the "numbers" of interracial pairings are not natural and are quite obviously--not about love.

Instead of interracial "love"---what we actually have is an "epidemic" of black self-hate (and white people's legendary naivete and ignorance) as these (*majority) Black Men endeavor to set aside their conks and redbones and just BREED their way out of blackness, MARRY their way out of blackness, ERASE themselves and all that they hate--which is each other.

No one...can tell me that I am wrong.

And...it doesn't matter what small percentage is "really in love"--it makes no difference whatsoever--because the fact remains, "blacks" are willing to live their entire lives without seeing black children be born. They're willing to marry mates who are "Lower quality" than the pool of Blacks they could have chosen from (whiteness, after all, trumps everything in a Eurocentric world), they are willing to "lie on" black women and willing to create Media (BET) where the message is constantly---"become a mulatto, it's better to be mixed, aquire 'good hair'".

These messages are constant in every type of black media that is created in this nation---BY BLACKS.

So this is not "love" we're seeing in American society, it's actually "hate" and "shame"----otherwise----the numbers would be much smaller and their would be no hostility expressed against one's own race.

I know that I am right.

And this is why, although I would prefer to love and grow old with a Black Man, it may not be possible.

I may very well find myself married to a White man or a Latino, a mulatto...or even an Arab. I honestly do not know.

But I do feel "disconnected" from Black Men as a group. I feel that I have been betrayed, disrespected and lied on by Black men as a group and I feel that Black men (the majority in the U.S.) are "white supremacists" with black skin---because almost everyone in this nation is Eurocentic, believing in the "supremacy" of white skin and white culture and whiteness as "rightness".

90% of Black American women will not wear their natural hair in public--for fear of being labeled "backwards/African" and being further denigrated and disenfranchised by a society that HATES THEM for what their wombs produce--black people.

And just today....as I went to the Post Office, the farm field to get vegetables, the grocery store to get meat, the library to return books and to my lawyer for a conference....the ONLY men who acknowledged me, flirted with me and tried to "mack" at me....were white and latino.

So please let Marc know....he must have been paying attention ONLY to my naked black breasts when he thought that I was "hot"....because he obviously has not taken any time to read what I have to say or what I believe or what I have experienced in my life. Like so many White men who want a chocolate-covered White Woman, he hears my pride in my blackness and my love for my people and....it turns his white mind off.

I don't hate "anyone"---but by the same token---I am not impressed by "whiteness" and I don't wish to be white. As an African, I am already "perfect" in the eyes of GOD (who is also black and came from my black pussy--because there was no where else to come from)."