Introducing T-Time

Greetings,

Too often, when asked how they are doing, too many Black women say they are "surviving," or they are "making it." Well it is high time that we stop, "surviving" and "making it" and start thriving and living well. To that end T-Time seeks to inform and educate Black women on the many ways they can make their lives better, as well as entertain them a bit in the process.

T-Time is a web portal for black women that features the best the web has to offer on Sex, Dating and Relationships, Health, Fashion and Beauty, Business, and Entertainment, all from a Black woman's perspective.

Outside of featuring posts from my blogs Sweet Potato Pie and Brown Sugar, as well as creating original content for the T-Time Blog , I scour the web every day to find what other Black women are talking about regarding issues that affect Black women throughout the diaspora. From beauty tips to marketing advice, T-Time seeks to be the premiere place for useful, timely, information, tips and tricks that will improve the lives of everyday Black women.

I am excited about the possibilities T-Time offers and I hope you are too.

Welcome,

T.S. Johnson
T-Time
The Black Woman's Guide to Living Well

Black Women's Magazines Giving Bad Diet Advice

Seems Essence, Ebony and Jet are doling out bad diet and fitness advice:

African-American women's magazines are more likely to encourage fad diets and reliance on faith to lose weight, while mainstream women's magazines focus more on evidence-based diet strategies, according to the study by UI researcher Shelly Campo, published in a recent issue of the journal Health Communication.

AA women's mags are more likely to suggest Faith as a weight loss strategy, which never is a suggestion in more mainstream mags:

Relying on God or faith was suggested by 1 in 10 weight-loss stories in the African-American magazines, but in almost no weight-loss stories in the mainstream magazines. Read more

I am Not an African-American

Since I've changed the focus of this blog to deal with all issues concerning Black women...not just romantic ones...I am going to kick off political debates/conversations on A Big Butt and a Smile because, while I've been politically apathetic as late, I recognize Black women have a lot of power in this upcoming election and need to be well informed to wield it.

To kick off the political discussion I"m posting apiece I originally wrote back in my college days at the University of Miami and retooled a few years back. So here it is just as I penned it a few years ago with minor (very minor) changes.


I am not an African-American

I am not an African-American. Don’t call me an African –American. I’m an American. Period. I was born here as were my parents and grandparents and you would have to search many a generation back before you found anyone in my family who originated from the continent of Africa. It’s time black people in this country stop trying to identify with a land whose culture is not their own. It’s time we stand up and say “This land is our land” and let everyone know we have a right to this country as much as anyone.

I understand the need for black people in America to find an identity all their own. We are as displaced as a people can be. Brought here in the early seventeenth century, first as indentured servants then as slaves the richness of culture these individuals brought from their various tribes was systematically ripped away from them. Maybe in calling ourselves African-American we feel we can retrieve some of that richness that is lost to us and was stolen from our people so long ago. However the atrocities of the past are just that, the past and trying to identify with lost cultures isn’t going to help us achieve the respect and prosperity that has alluded us for so long in a country that is still hostile to those of African descent.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way suggesting we forget about the past. It’s important to study and learn from your forefathers’ triumphs, mistakes and pain. Continuously changing our identification however, is not the best way to use that knowledge. We’ve had several “identities:” from Colored to Negro, Black and now African-American. How can we expect anyone else to know who we are if we’re not sure of our own identity? How can we expect to come together as a people if we can’t agree on something as simple as to what to call ourselves? Hell the government is not even sure who we are if the census form was any indication with their Black, Negro, African-American non-hispanic category.

I say dispense with all of the confusion. We’re American. The sweat of our brow helped build this country. Benjamin Banneker a black man, helped design the white house. Something as simple as the traffic light and as life saving as the blood transfusion were created by black people. Americans. From music, to dance, to literature we have given much more to this country then it has have ever given to us. We can be proud in simply calling ourselves Americans because we have more then earned that right. It’s time we make use of it.

I was once asked if I viewed myself as an American first and black second. The answer is as long as America views me as black first then I’ll always be American second. But I’ll never be anything other then American.

The Shortage of Marriageable Black Men and What to do About It

So there's a shortage of marriageable Black men. Of Black educated, professional men to be exact. This isn't news. It's so not news that I'm not going to even bother going into details about the how and the why things are the way they are. As a matter of fact I'm sure, if you're reading this, then you know all the numbers regarding Black men as well as you know your ABC's.

So the question isn't why is there a shortage of marriageable Black men. The question is: What are you going to do about it?

So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit around and whine and cry about the situation or are you going to get out there and find you a man who loves you and wants to marry you? If you choose the former you're on the wrong blog. If it's the latter keep reading.

The way I see there are only two ways to address this issue of lack of marriageable Black men:

1. Date the men who are available to you
2. Know the difference between what you want and want you need in a man and in a relationship.

The first is simple. If you live in a predominantly Black neighborhood. Work with majority Black people and your social circle is black and you're saying you want to date interracially, you might have a problem.

The same issue applies in reverse. If you live in a predominantly White neighborhood and you work with majority white people and you're constantly saying, "Oh no. Only a Brother for me." Well, my guess is you'll be spending a lot of lonely nights.

Black women read these next words and take them to heart: IF you want a successful relationship or marriage you HAVE to date the men who are AVAILABLE to you.

By available I don't mean any old bum who asks you out. I mean date the men who ask you out who fit what you're looking for in a man and in a relationship, REGARDLESS of race/ethnicity. Don't think you're gonna meet your Black Prince if where you work, shop, live is filled more with Brad Pitts then Denzel Washingtons.

And if you're a woman who wants to date out and you live in a Black mecca....don't knock your interracial dreams but date the brothers as well. The reality is unless you plan on moving (and that's an option) then you need to look at the men you meet everyday as potential mates; Black, White or Other.

The second point is important and one that can save a lot of women time and energy invested in bad relationships. Know what you're looking for in a man and a relationship. And know the difference between what you want and what you need. This is MONUMENTALLY important. Too many times women have this list of things their man MUST have but as they get older the list gets shorter and shorter 'till all that's required is a pulse and a job (maybe). LOL.

Be honest with yourself about what you NEED. What are the things you can't live without? Saying you want a man who is 6'1, dark skinned and making six figures is nice but are those attributes you CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? (If you say yes then I just can't help you. lol) What does a man have to have for you to be with him and be happy? What would make him the perfect boyfriend? Husband? Does he need to be romantic? Does he need to have a college education? Does he need to be a professional or is blue collar okay? Kids/No kids? And a host of other things you need to ask yourself.

Once you get the list down to your NEEDS then STICK TO IT. Don't compromise on that list. Know that this is the list any man you're looking to get serious with needs to live up too. This is something you should do even if you're not currently looking for a serious relationship because at some point you will be and when you are, the list will be ready.

Don't sit around and buy into the message that because you're Black and female you are destined to be alone. Barring some pretty extraordinary circumstance no one has to be alone. So make sure you don't end up as one of those lonely, Black female statistics.

Related Posts
How to get a Date
The Fallacy of Chemistry

Kola Boof. Speaking Truth to Power

I'm reposting this from ClassicalOne's blog. This was written by the amazing Kola Boof in response to a comment that was made on Clasical's blog awhile back. I don't have anything to say about it. It speaks for itself. And Kola Boof has officially become my shero. LOL. Enjoy. I know did.

It was recently brought to my attention by a few people at your Blog entitled "White Men Who Prefer Black Women" that a man named "Marc" had posted the following remarks about me:

"Man, I know this is going to sound weird, but I always found Kola Boof hot, even
though she hates white folks. Isn't that bizarre?"

Marc

_____

Kola Boof continues:
It's quite obvious that Marc has never read my autobiography "Diary of a Lost Girl", which was quite comprehensive in charting my sex/romantic life and the myriad relationships I've had--quite a few being with White Men, and in fact, one of those relationships (with Efrem Nelkin) lasting five years and being quite crucial in my development as it was Efrem who made me accept myself and love my blackness.

But what bothered me about Mark's comments was his assertion that I "hate white folks"--which is a glaring non-truth, and something that is almost always applied to any Black Person who is actively for the uplifting of black people and who does not want to become white and recognizes that this a White Supremacist society that "pities" blackness and is set up systematically to erase blackness and to erase black people.

Having clarity to see ones own predicament--doesn't mean that one hates white people.

In America, the withstanding "ritual belief" of the very structure of this society is that Blacks should morph into/become "mulattos".

Of course being a Half Egyptian, Half Sudanese woman from North Africa...I already know what happens to Mulattos after they "morph" out of blackness--they find that it's even worse being "mixed", they become depressed and bitter over the emotional disconnection from their original people, and in their desperation to become even whiter, they end up creating a new unhappy race--Gypsies, Arabs, etc.

My point being....I have nothing whatsoever against "White" people, not their existense, their place in humanity, their type of beauty and certainly not being friends with or having a romantic/sexual relationship with them.

But I don't set aside my own identity, my own beauty...to placcate white people.

I prefer my own race and my own men.

I also love my chocolate skin and my African hair and it was required by me that my children possess those traits, because...I could not live, as a black person in this world, and not bring black children (or the image of my ancestors) back into this world.

When my former "white boyfriends" went off to do the same (produce white children), I understood completely and I was glad they did, because it completed their naturalness for them.

Perhaps Marc's naturalness is to produce "mixed" children. That's good, as well, but that's not what I would have been happy with.

I chose and loved my children's father--a black man from Belize--and we had 10 good years together that have now ended.

Today my sons are here...and I am content and feel that Africa will go on through my sons.

But will I be with a Black Man?

I have no idea.

I live in California, a high rate "interracial" mecca where Black men overwhelmingly not only prefer other races of women, but are openly prejudiced, spiteful and dishonest towards black women.

I am a "dark skinned" black woman in their eyes with "nappy hair"---so to most of the black men here (men who were born from women who look like me), I am invisible.

As well as that, the media consistently uncovers the proof that most black men in the world--once they are successful in life--believe that the ultimate Status Symbol is to choose and love a woman whose genetics are as far from Africa as humanly possible. Across the board, high profile black men marry Non-black women and have no problem setting this example or this image for little black boys.

Like so many African women, this causes me to feel greatly "betrayed" by Black men and to not trust them.

Even worse--it causes me to lose respect for them, because the "numbers" of interracial pairings are not natural and are quite obviously--not about love.

Instead of interracial "love"---what we actually have is an "epidemic" of black self-hate (and white people's legendary naivete and ignorance) as these (*majority) Black Men endeavor to set aside their conks and redbones and just BREED their way out of blackness, MARRY their way out of blackness, ERASE themselves and all that they hate--which is each other.

No one...can tell me that I am wrong.

And...it doesn't matter what small percentage is "really in love"--it makes no difference whatsoever--because the fact remains, "blacks" are willing to live their entire lives without seeing black children be born. They're willing to marry mates who are "Lower quality" than the pool of Blacks they could have chosen from (whiteness, after all, trumps everything in a Eurocentric world), they are willing to "lie on" black women and willing to create Media (BET) where the message is constantly---"become a mulatto, it's better to be mixed, aquire 'good hair'".

These messages are constant in every type of black media that is created in this nation---BY BLACKS.

So this is not "love" we're seeing in American society, it's actually "hate" and "shame"----otherwise----the numbers would be much smaller and their would be no hostility expressed against one's own race.

I know that I am right.

And this is why, although I would prefer to love and grow old with a Black Man, it may not be possible.

I may very well find myself married to a White man or a Latino, a mulatto...or even an Arab. I honestly do not know.

But I do feel "disconnected" from Black Men as a group. I feel that I have been betrayed, disrespected and lied on by Black men as a group and I feel that Black men (the majority in the U.S.) are "white supremacists" with black skin---because almost everyone in this nation is Eurocentic, believing in the "supremacy" of white skin and white culture and whiteness as "rightness".

90% of Black American women will not wear their natural hair in public--for fear of being labeled "backwards/African" and being further denigrated and disenfranchised by a society that HATES THEM for what their wombs produce--black people.

And just today....as I went to the Post Office, the farm field to get vegetables, the grocery store to get meat, the library to return books and to my lawyer for a conference....the ONLY men who acknowledged me, flirted with me and tried to "mack" at me....were white and latino.

So please let Marc know....he must have been paying attention ONLY to my naked black breasts when he thought that I was "hot"....because he obviously has not taken any time to read what I have to say or what I believe or what I have experienced in my life. Like so many White men who want a chocolate-covered White Woman, he hears my pride in my blackness and my love for my people and....it turns his white mind off.

I don't hate "anyone"---but by the same token---I am not impressed by "whiteness" and I don't wish to be white. As an African, I am already "perfect" in the eyes of GOD (who is also black and came from my black pussy--because there was no where else to come from)."

Knowing When to Move On Pt. 2

I received a note from one of the Essence 30 Dates in 30 Days women, Michelle. Talk about surprised. Who knew people actually read this blog. LOL.

As the fourth 30 Dates woman on the scene, I'm going to have to politely disagree with your assessment JJ. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 years (6 years ago) and of course it didn't work out. After that I instituted a 2-year rule, if it doesn't happen by then, its time to move on. But this is only relevant if marriage is your end goal. I attended the wedding a few years back of a couple that dated for 10 years! TEN YEARS. They now have a baby and are happier than ever. Could it be an anomaly? Perhaps, but it could happen. The point being, there is no one-way to do anything. We all have to find our own way, and make our own mistakes.

First, thanks Michelle for reading and commenting on the blog. Hope you keep coming back. And good luck on those dates! Now I obviously disagree and here's why:

1. There are exceptions to every rule. But that doesn't mean that the rule doesn't apply. Do you want to be the exception or do you want to be married?

2. Everything I wrote applied ONLY to women who are looking to be married. If you're not looking to be married then what I wrote isn't for you.

3. The only time the year and half/two year rule wouldn't apply is if you were in school, or military service, Peace Corps, or some other major time centric commitment.

4. And like I said in the comment section to Michelle, why would you give someone that much power in your life? Men are still the one's who propose in this society and if he's not proposing why would you sit around hoping, wishing, praying for him to propose? Why would you not take your life into your own hands, move on and find someone who wants to marry you?

The Fallacy of Chemistry

So I've been watching Essence's 30 Dates in 30 Days. I won't comment on Essence continuing to feed into the, "Black women are so desperate and they can't think of anyting else but how to get a man," message that seems to be everywhere these days. But I will say the show offers a good case study on dating and what some (many) Black women are doing wrong (and what we're doing right) when it comes to trying to find Mr. Right.

The first mistake I see being made by the women who've completed their dates is s common problem among all women (men too) thanks to Hollywood movies and Western ideals of love: The reliance on Chemistry

On all of the dates women kept talking about Chemistry. How they had Chemistry with this guy or didn't have it with that guy. And the women were using, "Chemistry" to determine whether a guy was worthy of a second date.

Bad idea.

Trying to determine whether or not you have chemistry with someone after a first date is just silly. Chemistry is not an instant thing. Sometimes it needs room to grow but if you're quick to dismiss a guy because you didn't get the warm and fuzzes after your first date you could be missing out.

AND just because you have Chemistry with someone doesn't mean they are the best fit for you. You have to be able to look past those initial butterflies and really be able to asses the man and see if what he's offering is truly what you want and need. You can't base a decision on who to get involved with simply on "He makes me feel all tingly inside." To do so is to possibly overlook the guy who is truly your perfect match.

Next: Knowing when to move on

How To Get a Date

I'm really beginning to think that many a Black woman is clueless on how to get a date. And I don't really understand why that is because getting a date is not that difficult. I could have a date tonight if I wanted one.

If you are a woman who is wanting to date and you aren't getting one, my guess is you're doing 1 of 4 things:

1. Always with other women

2. Not going out where the men are

3. Not going on a date because he doesn't fit your ideal of "The One"

4. Not making the most of opportunities

The first mistake is an easy one to make. When you go out, you go out with your girls. But if you're ALWAYS out with your girls the likelihood of a man approaching you is slim to none. No one wants to get rejected in front of a table full of women. Now, there are two ways you can fix this:

1. When you're out with your girls separate yourself from them from time to time. If you're at a club go to the bathroom by yourself (yes it is possible to do that). If you're going to a restaurant maybe arrive early and hang out at the bar before the rest of the crew arrives. The point is to give a someone the opportunity to talk to you. Otherwise you're going to be sitting around all night asking, "Where the men at?"

2. Go out alone. Yes, I know, shock of all shocks, I said go out alone. No, you won't look desperate and yes you might just meet someone. It's not rocket science. If you want someone to ask you on a date you have to appear available. Being alone can be a good look if getting someone to ask you out is what you're looking for.

The second reason is one many, many women fall into. When I was back home the only places I went was school, home and out with my married girlfriends (yes I was breaking rules 1 and 2). And guess what: I rarely had a date.

So if you're constantly going to the same places and constantly complaining that they're no men then it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that maybe, just maybe you need to find some other places to go.

Now before you say, "But JJ I don't know where to go." I'd say take a hard look at your area and ask yourself where the men are hanging out that you'd be interested in meeting. Once you have the answer to that question then you'll know where to go.

The third reason why many Black women are sitting alone on a Saturday night is because you're turning down men before you even go out with them, simply because they don't fit your ideal of "The One."

We've all heard the saying 'You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince." Well, I'm saying you may not have to kiss them but you definitely have to date them. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people and yes hopefully, eventually, find that special someone. But if you're turning down men before you even go out with them, just because they're not 6'1 or dark skinned, or light skinned, or because they have dreads or don't have dreads, then how are you ever going to meet the man of your dreams.

From my experience people say they want one thing but their actions say they want another. Many of the reasons you'd initially turn a guy down are superficial. Try saying yes where you'd usually say no and you might be surprised. Dating offers you the chance to really get to know what you want and don't want in a man and the more you date the better your chances of finding someone you want to be with.

The last one, not making the most of your opportunities, is easy to do as well. Are you making the most of your opportunities? Really? You need to ask yourself this question and be honest about the answer. Do you flirt with the cute guy in the post office? The single guy you saw in the grocery store, did you say hi? If you're a bus rider like me, did you strike up a conversation with the cutie who sat down next to you? You have to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to you. You're probably meeting available men all of the time. But you're not taking the time to notice because you're so caught up in what you're doing. Start paying attention to your surroundings and you may be surprised at what you find.

Next: Volume Dating