Friday, January 09, 2009

Solange knowles: Looks Lovely With New Hair

So I'm perusing NecoleBitichie.com which I normally do and I run across this picture of Solange and Q-Tip and my first thought was how lovely she was:


Normally I think Solange is the funny looking, less talented little sister, whom you always have a little sympathy for because her older sister has taken over the world and hasn't left her anything to play with. But in this pic...she's lovely.

I have no snarky comments to make about her chia-dex outfit (chia pet crossed with spandex)...okay...maybe one snarky comment, but my point is...outfit notwithstanding she looks beautiful. Rather lovely.....Keep Reading The Single Black Woman

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

My Sexual Fantasy: Dominate Me

I don’t have a whole lot going in the way of sexual fantasies.

Sex in the rain.

Public sex.

Watching other folk get it on

But what I really like and am often afraid (ashamed) to admit is that I like to be dominated.

Not full on S&M to the point where I’m bloodied, bruised or in pain mind you. But enough to where there’s little doubt about who’s in control of the show…and I don’t want it to be me.

See, I’m a bit of a control freak in my everyday life. I’m super independent. I take care of myself and help with my family. I’m your all around post women’s rights movement “I don’t have to rely on a man,” type of gal. So, when I get in the bedroom I want someone else to be in charge for a change.

Now, this wasn’t always the case. Once upon a time I wanted to be the dominant one. I wanted to be in control of the situation, my man, myself, the whole deal. But that was a young girl who was power trippin’ and rather enjoying the new found power that sex gave me.

Fast forward some years and a girl got tired of always being in charge. Tell me what to do….please. Smack me around a bit. Tie me up. Bite me. It’s your show baby; I’m just along for the ride.

I believe it’s called being a submissive in sex lingo. Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean I lie there like a fish. I’m a very active participant; I just want you to prove to me you’re the man you claim to be.

I don’t to often share this little fantasy with many of the men I date. In all honesty, most aren’t up for the challenge. If they can’t handle me outside the bedroom, there’s no way in the hell they can handle me inside the bedroom. So, it’s something I keep to myself, waiting to find the right man that I trust enough to handle me the way I like to be handled.

I’ve got one now who seems to be u to the task. We will see. So you now you know my sexual fantasy. What are yours?

Monday, January 05, 2009

Saying "Only a Black Man for Me" Means You'll be "Alone and Lonely"

From a reader:
I read about that woman at another blog and if THAT is what she feels she has to do in order to find someone then that's her own choice.

I personally would not take that approach but everyone can/should make their own decisions about how to go about making their goals happen.

Many black women are unpartnered because they fail to understand that "only but a black man" mentality is the VERY REASON why so many of us stay unmarried for most of our lives.

The statistics are quite clear...black women outnumber black men in EVERY major city by six to one.

Ladies, there WILL NOT be one brotha for every sista. It is a mathematical impossibility.

Now that we understand the statistics we realize that we have to expand our options to men of other races. In order to expand our options, we need to become more aware of the norms and expectations that other cultures operate with and NOT assume that what's okay in the all-black setting will be how everyone is in all settings.

I believe that black women can find love but they need to understand that we have to break out of the fantasy and accept some of the reality. We need to become multicultural in our lives. It is not an option.

I'm not saying you have to go out and date a white man, but some of ya'll live in predominantly white neighborhoods, work at predominantly white jobs and only see other black people when you hang out with your friends and go to church and we all know most of the people in pews look like you...but ya'll are still hollering, "Only a black man for me!"

Come on.

Really?

Some of ya'll really having me scratching my head saying WTF?

Look, there is no need to be a martyr for 'The Cause.' You don't get brownie points for "keeping it real" by not dating out of yur race. And some of ya'll are so far gone that you won't even date men of the diaspora. Some of ya'll, when you say black, mean Black American and that eliminates Africans, Hatians, Jamaicans and other men of the diaspora.

I know so many women who sit around and complain about the numbers, but then don't want to do anything about it. So many women I know can run down a litany of reasons why brothers are the worst thing since the Bubonic Plague, yet when you mention the idea of them dating out they look at you like you just suggested they become lesbians.

Get with the program. Keep your options open. Go on a date. And see what happens. As we all know time stops for no man and if you're sitting around talking about, "only a black man for me," then you might as well be saying, "I'm going to be alone and lonely."

So What's the Real Reason You Aren't Married?

One lady has taken a very proactive approach to getting married with her site: 52 Weeks to Find My Husband. From her About Me page:

52 weeks 2 Find Him is a social experiment that focuses on a 42 year-old woman's journey to find her husband. It is an online documentary that is shaped by Neenah's actions and reactions, along with viewers' participation. What happens when a woman invites the world to become her dating coach? Each week, we invite you to tune-in and join-in by helping with Neenah's search, as she explores: the many methods of meeting eligible men, preparing for dates, and maintaining a healthy, romantic relationship.

Now I recognize what she's doing is extreme, but at least she's doing something. We can talk all day long about how there are no available black men, how they all date white women and how they are all in jail or on the down low. For me, however, that all sounds like a bunch of excuses. To me, the perceived issues with black men aren't really the problem. And mind you, I'm not talking about poor, uneducated women here. I'm talking about you well educated, professional sisters who seem to be successful in every aspect of your life other than romantically.

So once again I ask, what's the real reason you're single?

For those of you who don't want to be married and are happily single, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about women who (in some cases desperately) want to be married or at the very least partnered up...why are you single?

I contend that getting married isn't that hard to do. Getting a boyfriend definitely isn't that hard to do. I do know that if you aren't proactive about either of the above then they become increasingly difficult to do.

My aunt, when she was 60 (she'll be 67 this month) got married for the second time. She met a man at her pinochle club meeting, dated him, and he proposed. Prior to this she had other relationships, all as an over 40 woman with a daughter in college (she had three other grown daughters) and adopting her niece's daughter who died in a car accident.

She is overweight, though shapely. She isn't light-skinned, doesn't have long her and her eyes are an uninspiring brown. She would best be described as a handsome woman, though she is extra fly. And, as far as I can remember she has always had a man...when she wanted one.

So, if my 67 year old aunt can be on her second husband and did so while being a single parent to a then tween aged daughter, why are you young, attractive, no children having twenty, thirty and forty-somethings having such a hard time finding, keeping and marrying a man?

Are you dating?
Do you have a life?
Are you waiting for God to bring you a man?

What?

And I think if you're serious about finding someone in the 09 then you need to answer that question and then you need to do something about it.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Why Down Low Men Aren't the Problem

Down Low men aren't the problem.

I'm really tired of black women believing that the biggest risk to their sexual health is the idea that they may be sleeping with a man who is sleeping with other men.

The biggest risk to black woman's sexual health is the lack of condom use and unfaithful men period. It doesn't matter who he's being unfaithful with, it just matters that he's not only sleeping with you, and you're not using protection with him. That's how you catch ish. That's what you need to concern yourself with.

Every since that dude wrote that book many black women have been treating every black man they encounter as a suspect. How many times have a heard someone say, "Girl, you need to be careful. He might be on the Down Low."

Funny, but I rarely hear women mention this caution when they think or know their man is sleeping with another woman. Where's the concern then? Where's the fear?

Newsflash: there is no evidence or study that shows black women are contracting sexually transmitted diseases because the men they are sleeping with are all secretly gay, just in the closet.

If we were to have an honest discussion about factors that contribute to black women contracting HIV and other STDs then the mass incarceration of black males would be part of that conversation. What everyone knows, but no one likes to talk about, is that sex in prison is normative.

Men who otherwise wouldn't be having homosexual encounters do so when in prison. And many of these men don't consider themselves gay and don't go on to lead gay lives once they leave prison. Since sex is against the rules in prison, no one is passing out condoms and diseases are being spread. These men get out, go back to sleeping with women, women aren't insisting on condoms or don't use them regularly and volia you've got high STD rates among a certain age and class of black women.

But instead of having that conversation, everyone is running around hopping, skipping, jumping and being afraid of the Down Low. It's a new year. If we're not honest with ourselves about what the dangers are, then how can we address the problems. Every black man isn't suspect and it's high time black women stop treating them like they are.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Interracial Relationships: Anyone But a White Man For Me

Originally Posted on t-time 080708

I’m a fan of interracial dating. I strongly believe that, for Black women, interracial dating is a must. This insistence of "Only a Black for me," is baffling to me. I don’t get it. I recognize that often we are socialized to date Black men and only Black men. The messages we receive (even if not from family) seem to be that only a Black man will care for us, understand us, respect us, even if their is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

In her post, “Interracial Dating: Grudgingly Heading Toward Acceptance,” Latoya Peterson gives a very thoughtful, non-cliched reason for her having such issues with her best male friend’s dating of only white women. While the article is a must read what caught my attention was one of her comments in response to another commenter on her article:

…I still don’t date white men. To me, that’s the line in the sand that I don’t want to cross. Too much political baggage for me to start unpacking that. I don’t begrudge others, but I think I have a better chance of being in a lesbian relationship than seriously dating a white man.

When I read that, all I could say was: AMEN. I completely agree. I am a card carrying member of the “Anyone but a White Man for Me,” club. There are any number of reasons for this: I like dark skin, I’m not that attracted to White men, I don’t want mixed kids but the main reasons for me fall into the cultural and the political.

Culturally, I am VERY Black. Southern and Black to be exact. I am not the least bit assimilated. I do not worship at the alter of Whiteness nor am I impressed by it. I don’t Shift . I don’t alter my speech patterns, inflections, the way I laugh, anything, when I’m in the presence of White people. It’s part of the reason I won’t work corporate. I don’t wear The Veil well, or at all, and I have little patience (or respect) for people who expect me to.

What does all of this have to do with dating White men? The personal is political for me. White privilege is alive and well, so is the entrenched and institutionalized racism that is a part of this country’s founding. The idea that I will be making love and babies with The Enemy, is a problem for me. One I’m not sure I can get over. Are there any exceptions to this rule? Sure. I’ve known White men who were culturally Black, and no I don’t mean wanna be White boys, I mean guys who, for various reasons, were raised by or around Black people. With them, because there are cultural markers, I can relate and may, may, be able to cross the racial and political barrier.

Now, theses are my issues. But for Black women who can cross the White Line by all means do so. I want people to be happy and loved and wherever you can find it you need to hold onto it and keep it. For me, I will be keeping my options open, he just won’t be White.