Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Looking for Love? Let love Find You?

Original Posted 082208 on t-time

So often we have in our head the type of man we want. By the time we’ve graduated form college and head into the real world we’ve perfected our list of must-haves: tall, dark handsome, educated, ambitious, successful or headed in that direction….etc. But what happens when the love we were looking for turns out to look quite differently then the love that finds us?

Currently I find myself in an (almost) relationship with someone who is (almost) nothing like the man I see myself with. He’s not my physical ideal. He’s way to young and his choice of profession leaves a lot to be desired. But he’s sweet, funny and is more emotionally mature then men I’ve dated that were ten years his senior. Even with all of his good qualities I still have a hard time admitting to myself that I like him. I don’t believe that all relationships have to end in marriage or that just because you like (love) someone means that is the person you should be with. Love is but one of many factors that have to be considered but he’s just so different from what I would choose for myself.

It was all an accident how we ended up (sorta) together to begin with but what was supposed to be causal turned into a lot more and I’m still wringing my hands about it. Arguably this is the most relaxed I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Minus a few initial bumps the relationship is drama free. He makes me laugh, I enjoy his company and the sex is good…yet I keep asking myself, “What are you doing with him?” I’m sure I’m not the only one who has found herself in this situation.

I think as women, we sometimes get so wrapped up in what our idea of Mr. Right is that we miss out on an actual Mr. Right that may waltz into out lives. I know I find myself in strange territory. I haven’t been seriously involved with someone in a few years at the earliest and that lasted a few months. And yet here I am, tiptoeing my way into a relationship with caution and my eyes wide open with a man I had determined wasn’t “getting any” and, once we crossed that barrier, was just going to be a “causal relationship, ” all at a time in my life when I definitely wasn’t looking for love.

Maybe that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re just looking to hard. Sometimes, just maybe, we should stop looking for love and let love find us.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Quote of the Day

Don't depend on other people to be responsible for you. Don't make yourself stressed out over nonsensical things like material things.
- Eartha Kit

Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Originally Posted 082308 On t-time

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

The Bait and Switch
There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by - don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can out right lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

Punishing With/Withholding Sex
Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight
Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Why the Other Woman Isn't the Problem

Originally Posted 092008 on t-time

The Other Woman isn’t the problem.

I know this is hard for many women to believe, but it’s true. Too often I’ve seen women go after the Other Chick while never, ever going after their men. Or, if they go after their man, it’s never quite with the same ferocity as they do the Other Woman. Or better yet, they manage to forgive the man, but not the person the man was cheating with.

I also love how, on many sites that deal with infidelity issues, there are often posts that discuss how we (the community) have to start holding women who “prey” on married men accountable. Right. But how about the men who prey on married women…or the married men who prey on single women…we don’t need to hold them accountable?

But I digress.

Back to the Other Woman.

The reason why the Other Woman is not a problem is because she had no loyalty to you. She didn’t swear in front of God and country to love, honor and cherish you, she didn’t ask you to marry her, she didn’t request that you be her lady. Nothing. She has no responsibility to you what-so-ever. And that’s what women who are ready to “cut a bitch,” seem to forget.

There’s a blog over on A Belle in Brooklyn where a woman stayed married to man for 32 years even though he had been cheating on her from day 1. He cheated so much it became defacto normal. So much so, she used to press his clothes so he could go to the club. While that didn’t make her leave, when she found out their home was in foreclosure because he’d been paying the mortgage on his current mistresses condo and not on their family home — did…but like I said, this was 32 years in to the debacle that was their marriage.

So, In this post she expresses that she’s forgiven her ex-husband, but clearly still had a lot of animosity toward the women who were cheating with her man. To that, all I could say was…huh?

Unless a woman is a close relative or friend there is little reason for your anger to be directed at her. I can understand being upset, but I’ve never been truly mad at a woman who was messing with my man if she didn’t know me from Eve…even if she knew he was taken when she got involved. In the one instance where my friend ended up with my boyfriend, I had little to say to her until she tried to talk to me sideways. The only person who receives the brunt of my anger is the man I am involved with and that’s as it should be. He’s the one I gave my time, body and love too. He’s the one who’s supposed to be faithful to me. He’s the one who needs to be “cut.” No one else.

So ladies, save your anger for the person who is responsible for your pain…your cheating man. Please, no stalking of said chick, no catfights, no keying of any cars (well maybe his Wink ), just remember she isn’t your problem…he is.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Signs of Life and Other Randomness

1. Yes. I'm still living.

2. The site redesign scheduled for the beginning of December has now been moved to the end of December. One of the companies I worked for messed up my money...sigh.

3. Strep Throat is a Mother. My boyfriend (yes, I have a boyfriend now...more on that later) gifted it to me. Nasty stuff.

4. Apparently I'm now allergic to penicillin. The encounter with the strep throat taught me that. I took one pill. ONE. I woke up less than seven hours later and was covered, everywhere (and I mean everywhere ) in what I thought was a rash and later found out was hives. It was a mess.

5. 50mg of Benadryl will knock your ass out in 20 minutes or less.

6. 800mg of ibuprofen is a wonderful thing.

7. With all the recession worries love, sex and relationships still dominate the topics of many blogs (hey, I'm billed as a relationship blog). I'm beginning to think we're a lonely, bitter people who have forgotten how to connect on a very basic level.

8. Finally, I will be posting some blogs that were originally written for another of my blogs, but since I changed the theme of that blog they are no longer relevant. So if you've read them before, my bad -- but if you haven't...they're new to you.

C-you soon.