Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Can You Make Someone Cheat? Yes, You Can

Originally Posted 082308 On t-time

This is going to piss a lot of people off but, contrary to popular belief, you can make someone cheat.

Yes. You read that right.

From a woman’s perspective there are three things that I think women do that can lead their man to stray:

1. The Bait and Switch
2. Punishing/Witholding Sex
3. Gaining ( a significant amount of) weight

The Bait and Switch
There is a rule that newlywed couples should live by - don’t do anything in the first six months that you don’t plan on doing for the rest of the marriage. This is true not only for newly married couples but for dating couples as well. We want so hard to impress our men and be the perfect girlfriend or wife that we can out right lie about who we are and what role we’re willing to play in a relationship.

These lies can take place in many forms. If you’re not super chef in the kitchen, don’t front like you are, pulling the old Fake and Bake, making a man believe you’re B. Smith when you know can’t boil water. If you were super fly chick when you met, don’t expect that it’s all of a sudden okay to turn into “sweats and t-shirts,” chic, if he likes high maintenance women, he will find him one when your true colors start to show.

And if you were a super freak in the bedroom don’t think now that you have him…it’s okay to turn into a nun or to dial down the freakiness. All of these things (as well as a host of others) equate to a breach of contract. You’re not the person you sold yourself to be and the new person may not be what your significant other wants. This scenario could clearly lead to someone looking for what they want elsewhere…even if at this point they are very much in love with you.

Punishing With/Withholding Sex
Bargaining with sex is ALWAYS a bad idea. Sorry. There is NEVER a good reason to use sex for any more than what it is meant for: a physical expression of the love/feelings you have for the person you’re with. I don’t know what you think you’re accomplishing by not sleeping with him. I can tell you what you are accomplishing however — sending him into the arms of someone else.

I don’t know about anyone else, but my attitude is — if he’s not sleeping with me then he’s sleeping with someone else, so that’s not a game I play and not one I want to be played on me. Regularly sexing your man is no guarantee that your man won’t dip out, but not giving him any is a pretty good way to send him looking for some elsewhere. And let’s be clear whether or not he loves you will have little do with whether he dips out or not if he’s being deprived at home.

Gaining (a significant amount of) Weight
Okay, if I haven’t pissed you off by now, I definitely will with this one. If you married your husband and you were 135 pounds, putting on 80 pounds (barring a medical condition) is a surefire ware to send your man out the door seeking sexual satisfaction somewhere else.

So often I’ve heard people say, “But I’m the same person,” when it comes to their weight gain and their inability to understand why their SO/husband may no longer be attracted to them. I”m sorry but that doesn’t fly with me. You ARE NOT the same person. The person he wed was fit and healthy and active and could probably do things with her legs that would make a pretzel jealous. The person you are with the extra weight is probably none of those things and that canput a heavy strain on the marriage/relationship.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can be a deal breaker. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore (but it might), it does mean however he may not find you sexually attractive anymore. And no, love and sex are not synonymous. By not taking care of yourself, you are putting your relationship or marriage in jeopardy. We like to pretend like sex isn’t a big part of a relationship but the 1 and 2 reasons for divorce are money and sex. So chew on that as you munch on the butter pecan ice cream.

But the weight gain isn’t just about the sex. It’s about a lifestyle you may have had with your boyfriend or about a set of beliefs you all held on life and health or simply it could be just about being physically attracted to the person you’re with. We need to stop pretending like these things don’t matter. They do. Love does not conquer all. And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through.

6 comments:

Mandii Nichole said...

"And just because someone is committed to you, doesn’t mean they won’t find what they are lacking at home in another’s arms.

When there are major (and preventable) changes in a person’s relationship, the doors to infidelity are opened and it is oh so easy to walk through."

>>>Love the way you keep it real. Point.Blank.Period.

Anonymous said...

I do not fully agree with weight gain part. There are aspect to it beyond the control of the woman or choice. as long as she feels sexy and act sexy it is fine by me. But sex starved marriage is not productive and maybe headed the wrong path. No offense to anyone.

Bryan Wilhite said...

Your numbers are perfect. Number one, the bait and switch, can be VERY complex because often the spouse doing the switch may honestly be NOT aware of what is happening to them.

The weight gain thing is often related to childbirth (for both sexes). Having children is like walking through a portal into another dimension and too many of use are bizarrely transformed by the experience---weight gain is just one symptom of the lack of ease...

Untouched Jewel said...

This was a great post. I have to totally agree with you on the Bait and Switch one. There are too many men and women out there fakin the funk. So busy writing a check that their ass can't cash (let alone keep the money in the bank for it), that they sell themselves short each and every time. I say if you want somebody to see you for YOU, stop frontin and tell the damn truth. If you got kids, say you got kids. If you are lazy, say it. If you live at home with your family, say so. this is 2008, ain't nobody got time for games. And ladies, if you are truly looking for a man to love and appreciate you, stop bending over backwards to please them like they are God. If they want to be with you and love you, they will accept you as is. Otherwise, you are wasting the both of y'alls' time and energy on lies.

Kim said...

Great article. I'll definitely have to bookmark your blog and come back often. If you get a chance check out **BLACK WOMEN**

It has a little bit of everything for inquiring minds.

Anonymous said...

I am actually in a relationship with a married man at the moment; all three of your points above are reasons why he sought my affections in the first place.

And, he has also filed for divorce from his wife now, so as to be with me.

So, the other woman is not only the one he goes to for physical affection, but he eventually leaves you for her. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for men, so remember to keep both of you satisfied!