Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sisters, Stop Waiting on God to Bring You a Man


Sisters, Stop waiting on God to bring you a man.

As a matter of fact, if I hear this particular meme out of the mouths of otherwise intelligent and accomplished women, one more time, I think I'm going to scream. The complete insanity of this statement and how it misrepresents God's role in our lives never ceases to amaze me.

Let me ask you this: Would you wait for God to pay the rent? Finance your education? Fix your car? Better yet would you say, "Oh, Im just going to wait on God to finish this degree. I know when he is ready for me to have it, he'll let me know. I can't rush these things."

No? Sounds ridiculous right. Well if you're one of those women who are constantly talking about how you're waiting for God to being you your H.I.M. and you won't rush that, or won't questions God's pace as you sit and languish in dating no man's land, you sound just as ridiculous as my hypothetical situation above.

Look. Ultimately God helps those who help themselves. I know that's in the bible somewhere. I've heard it quoted often enough. So if you want to find your special someone than you have to actively help God out to make that happen. God's role isn't to find your man for you and drop him off at your front door, but to help you make a decision between the three men you've narrowed it down to and make sure that you choose the best guy for you and not just the one that makes your lady parts the hottest (even though hopefully they will be one in the same).

I recognize there is a very powerful Christian lobby out there that is conspiring to keep Black women single, in the church and hoping for a man. Well I'm here to tell you that that is not how it works. Just as many of you have worked hard to earn degrees, move up the corporate ladder and have otherwise successful lives--you're going to have to use those same skills to find your future husband.

Yes, I would love it if God dropped off a 6'3 250lb Idris Elba look-a-like with a PhD and a tenure track job at a major university who is an accomplished writer and could set the sheets on fire at my front door, but I know it doesn't work that way. And you should too.

32 comments:

clnmike said...

"I recognize there is a very powerful Christian lobby out there that is conspiring to keep Black women single, in the church and hoping for a man."

Lol, really and why is that?

SingLikeSassy said...

Yeah this "strategy" makes no sense to me either.

JJ said...

@clnmike

Upwards of 60% of regular Black churchgoers are women. Who do you think does all of that "work for the lord," in these churches?

If they had husbands and families, how many of them would have the time to devote themselves solely to the church.

I don't believe it's all malicious (and in some cases it is) but the church has good reason to preach this Soulmate strategy.

A said...

JJ,
Are you serious? This sounds a bit jaded although I think I may have an idea of where you're coming from. I know for a fact that God doesn't need our help, but "waiting" is not as simplistic as you make it sound here. There are things that I woman should be doing while she waits. I think you've given me a topic for tomorrow because it is the man who finds and the woman who chooses. And you certainly do get what you pray for, so it's best to be specific.

I agree with you on not praying for bills to be paid while you're out functioning with no budget or financial mindfulness. Likewise, one does not pray for a mate and then sit in the house.

Okay, I'm going to save some for later.
Peace

JJ said...

There are things that I woman should be doing while she waits.

Funny how American Black women are the only ones who have to do all of this "prepping" and "waiting."

Seems like all other women manage to find a husband and have a family with relative ease.

Bryan Wilhite said...

There was a time when Black women deliberately organized themselves to "catch" "good" men---in the United States. My favorite example is the story of how W.E.B. DuBois met his wife. (His marriage was rumored not to be a happy one but this is not my point.)

The secret to this success was that elder Black women cared enough to raise young Black women that obeyed them (even through puberty) and then arranged these little meetings with young, qualified Black men.

For my generation this was not possible because of the metoric rise of "youth culture" and egocentrism such that women don't really care for women like they used to...

You notice how God has little direct contact here? The divine must work within people...

JJ said...

@Bryan

Thank You. I have more to write on this theme...but one of the points I plan on making is that finding a man doesn't happen by happenstance. And in cultures I know where marriage is still a premium (Mormon, Islamic, African and Caribbean) families are HEAVILY involved in the process. Hell, families plot on you to get you married.

I can't tell you how many of my African friends go home and their "accidentally" in the company of a family friend who has a daughter of marriageable age. LOL.

It seems within a generation or two Black women have forgotten how this is done.

clnmike said...

Im not buying that JJ, single black women runs contrary to what the church is looking for, which is more people attending and more money. History has shown that the church has had no problem getting work out of black women when they were married. There is no conspiracy to keep black women single, the truth is men are not marrying because they see no reason to.

JJ said...

There is no conspiracy to keep black women single, the truth is men are not marrying because they see no reason to.

I'm not speculating on that. Nor am I suggesting their's some grand conspiracy...but have u ever seen the Soulmate...DVD?

I've flat out watched preachers (male and female) say that God didn't want Black women to e married. That may of them wouldn't be married...ever and they should accept that.

Huh?

So God only wants Black American women NOT to be married? Or some preachers who encourage polygamy.

I can't make this stuff up. There is a nice little cottage industry that teaches women to be "Christian and single," but not one that teaches a Sister "how to get her Christian married."

U act like Black American women are the only men there are to marry. The world is full of men...ya'll ain't the only ones.

JJ said...

That should read: U act like Black American men are the only men there are to mary.

Glennisha Morgan said...

Great post! I agree!

clnmike said...

Hey marry who ever you want, I will definitely not stop you or miss you.

When I said men see no reason to I meant across color lines, because contrary to popular belief the lack of marriage "problem" is not exclusive to black women.

And no I am not aware of the Soulmate DVD if that is the message being sent out than yeah it is pathetic but they have power and influence because there are women who will give it to them.

A few nut jobs does not equal a plot against black women.

JJ said...

LOl @ Clnmike

I'm a say it again...I don't believe there is a plot against Black women...I do believe that there is a culture that pushes this foolishness.

And yes marriage is down across the board. And contrary to popular belief there are men and WOMEN who don't won't to be married.

But I believe if you're a woman who wants to be married...then u should be. But Black women aren't getting that message in general.

And its more than a few nut jobs...

clnmike said...

Your right there is more than a few, there is an industry on both sides of the debate.

ed said...

I believe God do bring people in our lives.

The problem is some people don't know or recognize God blessings and confuse their vanity standards as being God standard.

But what you said is exactly on point:

God's role isn't to find your man for you and drop him off at your front door, but to help you make a decision between the three men you've narrowed it down to and make sure that you choose the best guy for you

K@LiENTe said...

yeah this is true, God does bring ppl in our lives and like they say some are for a season and some are for a lifetime...you have to figure out when that season ends...you have to let go of some ppl.

K@LiENTe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rikyrah said...

I am single, but would like to be married. I don't know if I believe the tinfoil hat theory about the Black church. I do believe, however, that the institutions upon which our elders depended to help us ' hookup' are fractured. I look at other communities, and they have cultural entities that help them meet like-minded singles.

And, yes, families are very involved in the mating process. We've forgotten about that too.

JJ said...

LOL @ "tinfoil hat theory"

Have u seen the Soulmate DVD?

Have u listened to preachers espouse the possibilities of polygamy instead of even considering interracial or actively being involved in their congregations marrying?

How about the ones who flat out say a good many Black women won't get married and then in the next breath espouse the virtues of celibacy?

Oh...so if I"m to understand it...Black women are supposed to be husband-less and sexless and this is what God wants?

That's not a tinfoil hat. That's reality. Folk have a vested interest in the status quo.

Shazza said...

jj i love the way you put it. your hypothetical scenarios in particular made me laugh...

okay, i get you... so what is the first step towards helping yourself???

Kim C. said...

God created marriage for HIS people. he blesses his people with the desires of their hearts. if a woman truly desires marriage, she must begin to date christian, marriage-minded men. stop accepting and wasting time w/ any old 'joe' that walks up and says hello

i hate hearing black women complaining about how 'tyrone' is no good, but they knew he wasn't any good 5 years ago when they met him! black women are to blame for their own downfall. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different.

when women and men change the way they are conducting themselves in dating and in choosing a mate, they will have happy, successful, everlasting marriages

Kim C. said...

also wanted to add that the bible does state 'happy is he who finds a wife' and 'he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing'

not the other way around. the man who becomes the husband is going to lead his entire household (in a christian marriage). perhaps it's worded that way b/c only when a man decides he's able and willing to take on the responsibility of loving and caring for a wife and family does he need to go and seek a mate.

Anonymous said...

May i suggest SBW read these blogs

BWWDI.com

and Black Women Deserve Better

Also

Black Female Interracial Marriage E-Zine

Ginger said...

I disagree.

In my situation, yes I sat still an got the answers an solutions to the very problems you mentioned.

My car needed some expensive repairs and my mechanic took care of it this week.

I received a scholarship for graduate school which left me with more than enough for the rest of the year and this meant not having to live the life of a broke grad student.

On paying bills, I can't tell you the countless times that God has come through in this area. I just received 3 unexpected checks in the mail which will cover hefty household maintenance and utility bills.

So yea, I do advocate waiting for the answer, knowing that it will come.

Choosing a partner is a life commitment and one that should not be taken lightly.

I dont believe there is some mass conspiracy to keep black women single. Some of us are single because we want to be and some are single because we dont know how to be still.

Real Talk:

God will bring the man into your life that you LET him bring into your life. So if you're open for foolishness than that's what you get at your doorstep. When you're ready for a REAL man, he'll show up then.

I got EXACTLY the man that I prayed for, so I wholeheartedly believe in the saying, be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.

Ginger,
Happily Married in DC

Anonymous said...

I beleive that one should seek GOD's first and everything else will fall into place. When GOD has work for us to do who has time for a relationship? That is what women should focus on while they are "waiting for GOD to send them a man". Marriage is great but only if both parties put GOD first. Until that happens there will be issues both major and minor that neither will understand how to deal with as a couple. Also if you have a man that is not "any good" then you ask GOD to make him the man that HE wants him to be and how could you go wrong with that. It's vanity that GOD hates and if you are looking for the perfect man ask yourself, are you perfect? If your answer is yes then you have some praying, reading of the word and soul searching to do. God bless:)

Anonymous said...

Oops, I meant seek GOD's Kingdom first.(referring to the first line of the last comment).

Anonymous said...

Oh, how I love God's everlasting word. Pure genius, I don't even have to lean into my own understanding.

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