Monday, July 28, 2008

Why Did You Choose Celibacy?

For those women who are celibate, my question to you is why? And how does it affect your dating life?

Anyone wo has read this blog long enough knows how I feel about celibacy. But there are many women who swear by it and have, in some cases, been celibate for decades (my mother).

While it is not a choice for me, I would like to hear the stories of those who have made that decision, why they made it and how do they date, have relationships where sex is of of the table.

According to Lisa Vazquez, there are two types of celibacy:

Circumstantial celibacy is produced when the choices of sexual partners are not readily available.

Intentional celibacy is a result of a planned decision not to indulge sexual interests and sexual activities for a period of time due to a stated objective.

Which one are you? For those who are remaining celibate until you are married, are you actively seeking a mate? Are you prepared to remain celibate if you never find a husband? Do you think that is what God wants?

I have some posts I'm writing in the future and I want to hear from those who have either intentionally or accidentally chosen to abstain from sex.

16 comments:

yes said...

i have been a circumstantial celibate several times...

JJ said...

The only time I'm ever celibate i if it's circumstantial..lol.

I don't see any reason to do it intentionally?

yes said...

i dont either, maybe im just not very strong willed lol

shelia said...

I'm "Intentionally celibate" and mind you its been hard but easy in another sense because I'm not in a serious relationship right now. I'm just dating. It seems I get propositioned more now than ever before. I've been able to weed out some guys though. I've had one guy offer a marriage proposal with hopes of changing my mind to sleep with him (as if I'm some teenager believing everything that comes out of a man's mouth). One guy I would have went from friend to man but he showed his a** after he realized I wasn't giving up the goods.

There are pros and cons to being celibate but for me the pros outweigh the cons.

Tara said...

For the better part of my life I was intentionally celibate for spiritual reasons. Though it may have been difficult, particularly during my high school and college days where sex is a prequisite rather than a privilege, I found it to be empowering not only spiritually but also because of all the things in this world I can't control, I had control over sharing my body. It is powerful these days. Plus most guys were cool with it for a while, but once they realized they wouldn't break me down, they showed their a** as Sheila stated, haha..now I'm in a committed relationship and we're planning to get married once he finishes school..This can be such a touchy issue and everyone has their different view of course, but I'm really happy I waited.

Anonymous said...

I'm currently extremely bitter from a relationship where I respected his wishes to be celibate for the past 2 years. On the pro side I felt it was a deeper relationship and I thought that I'd actually got lucky and would be loved by this man. We played by his rules which was celibacy until marriage because he was really religious. We even talked about marriage, children, moving together, life goals, etc. The con side is that now that he decided he can't say I love you (mind you his actions said that he loved me until recently) and I had to let it go, I'm pissed off that I haven't gotten any for 2 years because of some BS idea that sex will ruin a relationship. A$$holes (both male and female) and their actions ruin relationships not sex. It hurts just as bad when you invest the time and think you're getting that investment back just to find out it's all a lie. Hell at least you're getting laid in the meantime. The con side of being celibate is that you get really involved and deeper than you would because you're sharing absolutely EVERYTHING else and supposingly it's a good idea that you'll have something later. You're putting more in so you lose so much more. I think it's the biggest con that I ever let a man play on me and I swear NEVER AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

Before anyone makes the assumption: we never moved in together, yes we met each other's family and friends, we did go out as well as stay in, could talk about anything and everything, never lied to each other, were never dependent (financially) on each other or cheated on the other person. No I did not believe in celibacy before we met, but I thought the relationship was worth it so I put myself into the relationship the same way I'd expect someone to do for me in a relationship. I'm not religious but I learned about his church, went with him to church and had the conversations with him. Yes, he got one over on me. It's so not worth it!

Letrece said...

I am celebate and have been for some years now. I made a vow to God that I wouldnt again until I got married. It is just one of the ways I honor God's Word. It really isnt easy dating because alot of men I seem to meet want that. And no sex isnt an option for them. It weeds alot of the men who strictly want sex though. Besides the men many friends and family dont really understand why Ive chosen this either. But Im happy with the decision Ive made and Im not turning back. Sex is a very emotional and spiritual thing. That shouldnt be just shared with anyone(in my opinion). But I do need to add that in the 8 years of my committment I dont have the worries that many men and women have that are having sex. No diseases or pregnancy scares or just the stress in wondering "am I pleasing him" or vice versa.lol. Just trying to take care of me until God sends me the man he has for me. Im not saying I havent made mistakes or that its been easy. Sometimes it can be lonely. But I trust that God knows whats and whos best for me. So Im committed to waiting to share that special and intimate moment again on my wedding night.

chou said...

I'm a little late to this entry but i found you through necole bitchie's blog.

I was celibate circumstantially after a 7yr relationship that ended because i wasn't ready to life-commit to who I was with, and the (pefectly ok) life he wanted to lead. He was a very responsible, strong and dependable man. But, I felt we weren't ready for the next step for the main reason that I wasnt ready for marriage, and couldn't see myself being ready for marriage because there were things missing from our coupling that I felt I needed in myself, and in my partner.

I would say that sex and sexual (would i smash?) feelings for me is intrinsically intertwined with (physical YESS, but!!)a man's way of thinking about life, his leader qualities, how he can think on his feet, and his overall outlook on long-term life. It really doesn't take a long time to find out how a guy feels about this, they usually clue you in right off. If they are all smoke and mirrors, they just want to sex you or theres some other secrets lurking. ITS REALLY TOUGH TO FIND ALL YOU WANT IN ONE MAN, it takes time!!

So anyway it took a really long time (4years!)for me to find another person smash-worthy. He ended up not being long term potential for me in the long run, but at least he was worthy on other levels, you know, kind, gentleman,creative,appreciative, not using criticism as a means to make you do the things they want you to do, non-abusive, a sweetheart...but i digress

I've never been the type of woman to put up with BS in order to have or keep a man. The right man comes along that wants to play by your rules eventually...you just have to re-adjust all those old superficial requirements from your teenage years and learn about what the REAL you wants and needs in your significant other.

yes said...

anonymous sex does change things, but that still doesn't mean your relationship will last without it, maybe he just felt you two were growing apart

u agreed to not have sex because you cared, but now u seem to be upset because you thought it would happen eventually and it didnt pan out that way and thats not right

Anonymous said...

@yes - I'm not upset that we didn't wind up having sex. Being celibate just adds insult to injury. I'd be just as pissed off if we were having sex and we broke up after 2 years of commitment to each other. I'm angry that that after all the things we've been through he can just throw it all away like what we had didn't mean anything.

I also like sex, so having single woman problems when I'm not single ain't cool.

Vivrant Thang said...

In a LONG ago past, I was circumstantially celibate for 2 1/2 years. I pledge to never ever ever do that again. I almost went insane! Seriously. Like you, I don't see any other reason to. I hear what some of the intentionally celibate commenters are saying and respect it. I've had battles within myself about some of the issues they've raised. But I just can't do it!

JJ said...

@vivrant thang

I was (maybe) intentionally celibate for 1.5 years. Halft that time I was pregnant and the other year I was breast feeding the other year.

Talk about depressing the sex drive..lol. But yeah..I don't see the point. Life is MUCH more interesting (and I'm a MUCH nicer person) when I'm getting laid regularly...lol.

Vol de Nuit said...

Isn't all celibacy intentional? Let's face it, ANY woman, regardless of attractivess, can find a man to have sex with her-- simply by virtue of possessing a vagina.

I think women who chooses to abstain from sex for non-religous reasons, do so because they have not found a guy/girl who is "good enough."

Personally, I have been happily celibate for over six years. Some of the benefits have been:

* no pregnancy scares/ unplanned kids

* no STD worries

* a general feeling of cleanliness/purity-- even though my choice to abstain was not religous.

* Knowing that no lame-ass man will be able to say that he "had me." I have not wasted my body on inferior men.

Raqsi said...

I got divorced about a year and a half ago and have been celibate since. It wasn't intentional at first. I just didn't want any man touching me. But after about 6 months, I started realizing the benefits and started abstaining from sex consciously.

All four of vol de nuit's reasons are on my list as well.

It helps that I am NOT dating anyone and not really looking to date. I work full-time, and I'm in school half-time (nights) so I'm crazy busy. I don't do the casual sex thing, so if it's not within a committed relationship it doesn't happen.

I may start dating again after I'm done with school, but casually only. I'm not bold enough to demand that I'm his one and only when I'm not putting out.

Besides, I find that, for me, it's really the opposite of what you said. My life is much better when I'm not having sex. No disappointment (being really into someone and finding out they suck in bed - and not in a good way), no emotional drama, no worries about getting knocked up, and no worries about HIV or some other disease, etc.

No lie - it's nice to know when I itch, that it's probably just a yeast infection.

Anonymous said...

Ive decided to be celibate simply because I can. I don't want to be bothered with dating, relationships marriage or children of my own. I must say its not easy but Im cool with it and pretty happy :-)