This is a letter from the Secret Council of Negroes regarding the status of your request of a formal decree of blackness.
We apologize that SCAN has taken so long in processing your application, but our organization has had a severe backlog of white people who aspire for a "ghetto pass" or "honorary Negro" status.
The formalities and prerequisites to meet the high standard of "blackness" often takes years to digest as SCAN does not want to give a honor as coveted as "musically black" to any person who fancies "pop n' lock" routines and groping Michael Jackson's little sister. Blackness is not a fetish or a passing fad. Blackness is a way of life and a state of mind.
Your request seems very earnest as you filed all your paper work properly with the Los Angeles chapter of SCAN, including letters of recommendation by ethnic black Americans people including Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Timothy Z. Mosley and Pharell Williams. But many things have changed since your original application.
1.) Janet Jackson has rescinded her letter of recommendation and Michael Jackson has distanced himself from his initial endorsement. One would think that Mr. Jackson wouldn't have much pull in SCAN, but never underestimate black people's love of "Thriller." Jackson specifically cited you as abusing blackness by wanting to be "black enough" to "bump and grind" Ms. Jackson on the stage at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004, but denied any blackness during the media fallout after her bare breast was exposed for less than a second on national television.
Mr. Timberlake threw me under the bus. He was up on that stage with me, wanting to take advantage of my very sexy and very popular blackness to advance his career. He said he admired myself and my brother, who as you know made "Thriller," but when he grabbed the top of my costume and my "wardrobe malfunctioned" Timberlake ran as far from blackness as he could. He did not call me to apologize or even ask how I was doing. He did not defend me in the press. There were two people up on that stage, one BLACK and one a wannabe BLACK and wouldn't you know it, Mr. Timberlake rediscovered his whiteness. It was the BLACK person who took all the blame. My career has not been the same since!
SCAN cannot ignore these claims. She is Janet Jackson. Her brother made "Thriller." Despite the Jacksons' sometimes "curious" public behavior, they have never disavowed their blackness, even at the height of Mr. Jackson's translucency. Keep Reading